finally i can say 'fuck it'
well you shouldn't doctor yourself
well i pictured somebody else
someone who looks like
what i look like
would you say that the one of your dreams
got in you and ripped out the seams?
that's what i'd say
that's what i'd say
he's a sucker for your double dose
mother fucker turned white as a ghost
don't you say hi
don't you say hi
with a broken sink for a face
in a head that just takes up space
he's not half right
he's not half right
it's already half past
and it won't last
i was sticking up for my friend
when there's nothing much to defend
it's a lost fight
it's a lost fight
cause when i talk to you on the phone
well it's just like being alone
it's not half right
it's not half right
-jimmy eat world
so in my defense, i think i might have lost my mind. if not a bit, the whole damn thing. it's been a while and yet he's one of the things still on my mind, but not like before. now i'm stuck here wondering what the hell happened to the boy that i knew and loved and why he was replaced with this cowardly, strange, cold hearted douche bag who won't even begin to explain himself to me. it's ok, i've learnt to cope with it all. i'm no longer crying my eyes out everynight or getting drunk and calling his phone just to have him not answer it or leaving stupid e-mails that he never answered. i'm all good. i've moved on and i'm proud. i can look at other guys and have interest in them. i can laugh til it hurts and til tears of joy spill out of my eyes. i can watch movies that i watched with him and not reminecse the whole time. i'm better. which is better than he can say, i'm guessing. the one thing that bothers me is why he changed, because i still don't know why. it's the fact that he promised me everything and left me empty handed to start out once again in this world. oh fucking well. i have the best friends in the world and i have a job that i now love and i have my music as always. i'm done with high school and i've started to pursue my dream and i'm not sitting around on my ass moping. i have tattoos and i have dreams and i have potential which is more than i can say for him. it's this that finally gives me the strength to say:
I don't need you anymore.
it's amazing to finally be able to say that, as you know. i never knew i'd be here. i love it.
as for you though, if you ever change your mind and decide to tell me just what the fuck happened to the boy i spent so much time with, sharing myself or if you finally get back your heart that you claimed to have lost so long ago, I would happily accept an explanation of why you became such a cold-hearted douchebag that you never were before. If not, have a good life pushing carts and watching vh1 reruns in your dad's house.
sn: i kill radios