(no subject)
This sucks. i'm all sweaty, hot, and depressed again. He signed online...and it's so much easier to get over him when I pretend he isn't real and then he went and proved that he was there..and he proved that he's living his life and his life is so completely separate than mine now...he didn't even IM me...it's gone from good friends to such a close relationship to nothing...it's just so depressing. Now I know that he's basically ignoring me. I mean I know if I were in his shoes I wouldn't know what to say to me but still...it still hurts. i thought i was through with this being sad shit but i'm not. this just sucks. no one has any idea how this feels. to be so close to somebody and to want somebody so badly and to be constantly reminded of how happy you were at once and to have all of that taken away by force..and for you to have no say in it at all. it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me..for me to love him so much and for at a time him to love me that much back and then all of a sudden he just stopped loving me...do you know how that feels? no...nobody can possibly know how i feel. and I know there are people out there that want me to feel better and want me to stop hurting..and i appreciate those people..it's just..at times like these, there is only one person that cna stop the hurting..and thats the person who caused it. so i'm in a catch-22 situation here (hey i can still be humorous when im depressed). I've had my fairy tale taken away from me..and now it's dangling in front of me and out of my reach. I think about him, I feel him, I dream about him, I see constant reminders that he's there, but he's not...I can't have him. and he doesnt think of me anymore...and to him, I'm probably just a girl he can brag about...and I'm just an addition to his experience...thinking like this just makes me sick to my stomach...i love him. i know i do. and that's what hurts the most. the hting is...is that i dont even really care about me not being with him anymore b/c i know it was a bad relationship b/c he didnt treat me like he should have if he really loved me...but the thing is, i love him and i want to be in his life and stuff..and thats what hurts the msot..is that now i cant even be his friend. when i got that list of ppl that made the honor roll, before i checked my own name i wante dto see if he'd made it..not to make fun of him if he didnt, but to be proud of him..and it almost broke my heart all over again when he wanst on there b/c i knew how important school was to him...and thats what hurts..i love him..he doesnt love me...he'll never know.