more bitching about being fat.
So, Doran is under the assumption that my body is "sexy." Now, a normal person would take this as a very generous compliment, but I only take it as a very offending insult.
Maybe I'm not so much insulted as I am disturbed. Me? Sexy? That's like saying George Bush is goodwill-twins with Benazir Bhutto.
I've never really looked at myself as "sexy"--or "desirable," even--just as blobbish and grotesque. I mean, I guess I could get used to this change in how people perceive me without clothing, but maybe not.
I know, I bitch a lot about my weight and how unhappy I am with it, but I guess what I want to say--or try to say--is that I'm not unhappy about being fat, I just don't like the way I'm treated because of it.
I am 6'2" tall, and weigh close to twenty stone. That is a lot. People my height do not typically weigh that much, and if they do, I think that they are ugly. And I don't find my own body ugly? I mean, sure, every now and then I throw up a little in the back of my mouth when I walk by a mirror (clothed), but I'm not ugly. I have a nice shape to me, I think. I have a stomach and an ass, and they kind of blend together to form one... solid... barrel-like portion of my body, flanked by skinny portions (my legs, arms, and shoulders).
I've said to Benj--during those times--that he's not allowed to see my body under lights, and that I don't even look at my body with the lights on. I still don't. I wrap myself snug and tight before walking to my chair to blowdry my hair in the morning. There are no other mirrors in my apartment, except one by my sink that I use to check to see if the shirt I chose makes my breasts look big and noticeable (that is usually a yes).
I'm fat.
And I'm kind of okay with that.
I'm fat.
And this boy that "really likes" me thinks that it is sexy.
I'm fat.
And I really want ice cream.
Maybe I'm not so much insulted as I am disturbed. Me? Sexy? That's like saying George Bush is goodwill-twins with Benazir Bhutto.
I've never really looked at myself as "sexy"--or "desirable," even--just as blobbish and grotesque. I mean, I guess I could get used to this change in how people perceive me without clothing, but maybe not.
I know, I bitch a lot about my weight and how unhappy I am with it, but I guess what I want to say--or try to say--is that I'm not unhappy about being fat, I just don't like the way I'm treated because of it.
I am 6'2" tall, and weigh close to twenty stone. That is a lot. People my height do not typically weigh that much, and if they do, I think that they are ugly. And I don't find my own body ugly? I mean, sure, every now and then I throw up a little in the back of my mouth when I walk by a mirror (clothed), but I'm not ugly. I have a nice shape to me, I think. I have a stomach and an ass, and they kind of blend together to form one... solid... barrel-like portion of my body, flanked by skinny portions (my legs, arms, and shoulders).
I've said to Benj--during those times--that he's not allowed to see my body under lights, and that I don't even look at my body with the lights on. I still don't. I wrap myself snug and tight before walking to my chair to blowdry my hair in the morning. There are no other mirrors in my apartment, except one by my sink that I use to check to see if the shirt I chose makes my breasts look big and noticeable (that is usually a yes).
I'm fat.
And I'm kind of okay with that.
I'm fat.
And this boy that "really likes" me thinks that it is sexy.
I'm fat.
And I really want ice cream.