May Madness
I have decided to start writing again, not that anyone is going to read it, but that's really not the point. I need an outlet. I need to stop feeling so angry and confused all the time. I'm wearing my friends thin, and my shrink is just too damn expensive to keep going twice a week.
I'm so confused about my life. Four years ago I came to college. I came with friends that have since died. I came with an outstanding record of good grades and advanced classes, only to fail out of a university and barely pass after they let me back in. Four years ago, I was hopeful and excited; I had acquired all these new friends, college was still a new experience... It's not the same. What the fuck happened?
I have this undying feeling that my life just isn't fair. I have an intense amount of crazy things that are constantly going on. I just don't understand. I am so lost!
Julie is coming to stay for the week some time tomorrow. According to her anyway... We'll see if she actually comes. I love Julie to death, but know her to well to think that she's going to do all the things she says she will. I do hope she actually comes though, it's nice to have her around. I think it is important to have the people who knew you when you were young spend time with you. It's comforting and convenient. You don't have to put up any sort of front or fake being happy when you're sad, because they have known you for so long that they see through the bullshit. That kind of nakedness is good. It's nice to know someone can know you that well.
I'm really tired of living at my apartment, but I have nowhere to go. And I can already tell that next year is going to be even harder. Durran is obviously not living with us... Big shock that was, not. I love Durran for his boyish demeanor and good attitude, but I think he is the most inconsistent person I've ever met in my life. Every single time he moves somewhere, he only stays for a few months, and then some dire situation comes up that makes him have to move out. Even when he was living by himself, he found a reason to have to move. I just don't understand what makes him have such intense hatred for every single place he's ever lived.
The fact that Chris is no longer my fuck buddy, or really no longer my friend, is insanely depressing. I try to act all friendly and nice to him, but it just seems like he has absolutely no interest in being my friend. Why? I have no idea... I think it's more the idea that this kid who's life is also a mess, who isn't that sweet, who is kind of an ass; that he, wants nothing to do with me. The most depressing part is that I don't understand why he doesn't want to associate with me, or maybe not that I don't understand why he doesn't want to; but that he probably hates me as much as I hate myself. And to see that hatred manifest itself is hard.
Hung out with Mika the other day, and that was bizarre...
I'm too tired to type anymore
I'm so confused about my life. Four years ago I came to college. I came with friends that have since died. I came with an outstanding record of good grades and advanced classes, only to fail out of a university and barely pass after they let me back in. Four years ago, I was hopeful and excited; I had acquired all these new friends, college was still a new experience... It's not the same. What the fuck happened?
I have this undying feeling that my life just isn't fair. I have an intense amount of crazy things that are constantly going on. I just don't understand. I am so lost!
Julie is coming to stay for the week some time tomorrow. According to her anyway... We'll see if she actually comes. I love Julie to death, but know her to well to think that she's going to do all the things she says she will. I do hope she actually comes though, it's nice to have her around. I think it is important to have the people who knew you when you were young spend time with you. It's comforting and convenient. You don't have to put up any sort of front or fake being happy when you're sad, because they have known you for so long that they see through the bullshit. That kind of nakedness is good. It's nice to know someone can know you that well.
I'm really tired of living at my apartment, but I have nowhere to go. And I can already tell that next year is going to be even harder. Durran is obviously not living with us... Big shock that was, not. I love Durran for his boyish demeanor and good attitude, but I think he is the most inconsistent person I've ever met in my life. Every single time he moves somewhere, he only stays for a few months, and then some dire situation comes up that makes him have to move out. Even when he was living by himself, he found a reason to have to move. I just don't understand what makes him have such intense hatred for every single place he's ever lived.
The fact that Chris is no longer my fuck buddy, or really no longer my friend, is insanely depressing. I try to act all friendly and nice to him, but it just seems like he has absolutely no interest in being my friend. Why? I have no idea... I think it's more the idea that this kid who's life is also a mess, who isn't that sweet, who is kind of an ass; that he, wants nothing to do with me. The most depressing part is that I don't understand why he doesn't want to associate with me, or maybe not that I don't understand why he doesn't want to; but that he probably hates me as much as I hate myself. And to see that hatred manifest itself is hard.
Hung out with Mika the other day, and that was bizarre...
I'm too tired to type anymore