(no subject)
My throat hurts.
This isn't meant to depress you.
I wrote the letter five times. Christina had me cut it down from four pages to one. Four pages were for me. One was for you.
i hope you find this, because I don't want thursday to be the last time I see you.
I am afraid that thursday will be the last time i see you.
I'll sit in the back of class, back behind you, stare at the back of your head
for three hours. (Two an a half?) While i'm supposed to be taking our final exam.
You will sit in the center on the left. You will finish in class. I will wait until you leave, but somehow i will exit the building before you. Maybe you stepped into the men's room. Maybe you went out the side exit. Maybe you went to kiss the professor's ass. You've taken his class three times now. He still doesn't know your name.
I have no motivation to get an A anymore. I don't want to beat you.
You don't want to talk to me anymore. Bragging rights don't count if I can't brag to you.
Speak to you.
Not even with my eyes.
We were so not perfect.
I'm not even sure if we were right for each other.
but man, I loved the shit out of you. Every inch of you. Everything about you. I loved the things that annoyed me. I loved your failings and our rough edges where we grated and chiseled and chipped away at each other. I loved you so much. We never fought. But when we did i loved you more. Right afterwards i loved you most of all. Because when we fought, i saw the best side of you.
Were we too soft on each other?
Was that it? Because I can be tough. I can be firm, but not mean. I was so mean.
I was so
How funny that when we were together i wanted to go to LA to get some space
and now that we're apart I want to go to Cal to get you back.
Can i get you back?
How. Tell me?
How? Tell me. Please I wont do those things i did back then i was unhappy
upset
unwell
insane
insecure
unsure
unstable
unprepared
unavailable
unaware
inaccessible
and now i'm half of that.
remember
when i looked up at you
we were landlocked in your sheets
and your hair stuck to the bed
and shot out at the sides
scruffy, you my youre mine
and the soft underside of your arm
that tickles to touch
was under me
and the soft underside of your arm
was over me
and the soft undersides of your arms
were around me
and i was so close to you
breathing in your chest
beating into your shoulder
you held me so so s o st t t to oh so still
your eyes are green.
mine are blue.
how appropriate.
Here is my plan. I don't know if i will go to cal or ucla.
But
sit, please, here is my chair
here is my plan
I was very foolish, but i know why
you made me afraid
because i could see it
and it wasn't everything that i imagined
it wasn't anything like i imagined
i didn't even really want it
but i had it
and i loved it
and i don't have it
and i need it
God, i need you.
i will tell you everything that i've done since
and all of the good that came out of all of this
this pain
this
this hurts so bad
did you know?
my heart
it hurts so bad.
this was not premeditated
it was hormonal
it was too much.
you know i hit that car right?
when i saw you?
i hit that car
because i saw you
and i wanted you to see me
but you didn't
and i hit that car.
and i will tell you
"matt, i went and i kissed and i flirted and i looked and i played and i laughed and i smiled and i did not touch and i did not fuck and i did not laugh and i did not smile and i did not love.
I choose love.
Will you love me?
and you will say yes or no.
And i will say .thankyou.
i do not know if you will say yes
or if you will
say no.
But i will thank you.
You will not come looking for me.
I regret this so much.
i wish i could have learned this much much earlier.
because i still love you
and i would still be loving you
and i would still have you to love
if only i had the courage to stand up
to stand up for us
like i do now.
I can stand up for us all i want now
all the time now
because youre not here.
This isn't meant to depress you.
I wrote the letter five times. Christina had me cut it down from four pages to one. Four pages were for me. One was for you.
i hope you find this, because I don't want thursday to be the last time I see you.
I am afraid that thursday will be the last time i see you.
I'll sit in the back of class, back behind you, stare at the back of your head
for three hours. (Two an a half?) While i'm supposed to be taking our final exam.
You will sit in the center on the left. You will finish in class. I will wait until you leave, but somehow i will exit the building before you. Maybe you stepped into the men's room. Maybe you went out the side exit. Maybe you went to kiss the professor's ass. You've taken his class three times now. He still doesn't know your name.
I have no motivation to get an A anymore. I don't want to beat you.
You don't want to talk to me anymore. Bragging rights don't count if I can't brag to you.
Speak to you.
Not even with my eyes.
We were so not perfect.
I'm not even sure if we were right for each other.
but man, I loved the shit out of you. Every inch of you. Everything about you. I loved the things that annoyed me. I loved your failings and our rough edges where we grated and chiseled and chipped away at each other. I loved you so much. We never fought. But when we did i loved you more. Right afterwards i loved you most of all. Because when we fought, i saw the best side of you.
Were we too soft on each other?
Was that it? Because I can be tough. I can be firm, but not mean. I was so mean.
I was so
How funny that when we were together i wanted to go to LA to get some space
and now that we're apart I want to go to Cal to get you back.
Can i get you back?
How. Tell me?
How? Tell me. Please I wont do those things i did back then i was unhappy
upset
unwell
insane
insecure
unsure
unstable
unprepared
unavailable
unaware
inaccessible
and now i'm half of that.
remember
when i looked up at you
we were landlocked in your sheets
and your hair stuck to the bed
and shot out at the sides
scruffy, you my youre mine
and the soft underside of your arm
that tickles to touch
was under me
and the soft underside of your arm
was over me
and the soft undersides of your arms
were around me
and i was so close to you
breathing in your chest
beating into your shoulder
you held me so so s o st t t to oh so still
your eyes are green.
mine are blue.
how appropriate.
Here is my plan. I don't know if i will go to cal or ucla.
But
sit, please, here is my chair
here is my plan
I was very foolish, but i know why
you made me afraid
because i could see it
and it wasn't everything that i imagined
it wasn't anything like i imagined
i didn't even really want it
but i had it
and i loved it
and i don't have it
and i need it
God, i need you.
i will tell you everything that i've done since
and all of the good that came out of all of this
this pain
this
this hurts so bad
did you know?
my heart
it hurts so bad.
this was not premeditated
it was hormonal
it was too much.
you know i hit that car right?
when i saw you?
i hit that car
because i saw you
and i wanted you to see me
but you didn't
and i hit that car.
and i will tell you
"matt, i went and i kissed and i flirted and i looked and i played and i laughed and i smiled and i did not touch and i did not fuck and i did not laugh and i did not smile and i did not love.
I choose love.
Will you love me?
and you will say yes or no.
And i will say .thankyou.
i do not know if you will say yes
or if you will
say no.
But i will thank you.
You will not come looking for me.
I regret this so much.
i wish i could have learned this much much earlier.
because i still love you
and i would still be loving you
and i would still have you to love
if only i had the courage to stand up
to stand up for us
like i do now.
I can stand up for us all i want now
all the time now
because youre not here.