Out-knit Sadaam
That was the best freeking pop-up ad i ever saw.
Well, it's been a while since i've filled y'all in on what's going on with me. Since my freek-out two weeks ago, thing have been tense in my house. To abbreviate a long story, i got my hopes up for haning out with my mom, as usual, and she put the bottle before me, as usual, and i suppose i had a lot of pent-up frustrations that i didn't know how to deal with. (i broke a plate, a cup, one of my paintings, two necklaces, the water-cooler...) My mom called the paramedics when i didn't stop hyperventilating. Anyway, i got over it, and realized that when i hate my mom, or feel that i hate her behavior, i need to tell her. And now i do. When she is sober, i love her and respect her beyond belief. When she's not, she elects to recieve my frustration for the grief her actions cause me (and it's not like she'll remember anyway.)
That afternoon, i talked with allison, and she agreed that i needed to get out of the house as soon as possible. She reccomended taking summer session at college to get out early. Berkeley sent me the paperwork on wednesday confirming that i am enrolled in their spanish 20 intermediate workshop, and class will begin on june 26th. I could not be more excited about it, i'll be close to allison (im styaing in a dorm because her apartment is tiny) I'll be studying a subject i love (the class is 10 units though), and i'll be away from the demonic war-zone that is my house.
However, my mom has realized, i suppose, that not only am i leaving the house, but in fact, have made arrangements to escape prematurely specifically because of her destructive addiction. I will not be around next year to save her marriage, her business, her reputation, her anything. One would think that this would provoke her to sober up and enjoy the last two months (less than) that we have together.
No. That would be too rational.
On sunday night, she threw me a surprise birthday party, which was amazing. Kids from the musical showed up, and we had a nice two hours hanging out and eating food. My mom went through a lot of work, and on top of it, bought me an amazing diamond and something else ring. Too bad that she uses good deeds as excuses to act badly.
She's been drunk in two-day straight blocks every day this week except for wednesday. Last night was the opening night for my musical. Honestly, it was one of the best performances ive ever given. She didn't come. Before going down to my 6:00 call time, she told me she loved me, how proud of me she was, how she thought i would be so successful in life. Stupid drunk. She's a complete foil of herself- when she's sober, she can only find things wrong with me... and whenever she says encouraging things, they're not real... just her drunken rambles. Anyway, she was so moved or whatever, that she gave me a diamond and amathest pendant that she bought for herself when she bought my ring. I didnt want to keep it, but when she insisted, i took it. Stupid thing.
She got in the car to drive me to my call, and could barely sit up. Thinking, "my God, she's going to kill me if she drives" I had her move to the passenger seat so i could drive instead. She had been drinking all while i did my makeup for the show, ensuring herself to be too enebriated to watch me perform. just like the time she missed my horse show. or infact, everything else she ever dissapointed me on that ever meant something. sunday morning drunk. Alcoholic. All the way to church, she futzes with the car, and i felt that overwhelming "i hate her" feeling. She put the bottle before me again, and tried to pacify me with jewelry. A $600 bribe. $600 is what she's decided her worth was as a supportive mother last night, and that necklace was supposed to take her place. That goddamn necklace isn't what i've been in anguish over for the last 10 years of my life. I want my mom to accept me, not a piece of metal and stone. She might as well be.
We were supposed to spend time together today, of course. But we won't, of course. She gave me the money for the house cleaners who come on saturdays. She told me to translate to them "here's the money, you don't have to work today. My mom wants a quiet house." I would rather tell them "my mother has deemed her drinking to be worth your pay. She would rather throw away her money than live right, or better yet, live without alcohol. Anyway, she's hung over, so take the money and go love your kids... or something."
My dad is still trying to appease her.
I'm content to just get away.
Two more nights to dissapoint me. She's doing great so far.
Well, it's been a while since i've filled y'all in on what's going on with me. Since my freek-out two weeks ago, thing have been tense in my house. To abbreviate a long story, i got my hopes up for haning out with my mom, as usual, and she put the bottle before me, as usual, and i suppose i had a lot of pent-up frustrations that i didn't know how to deal with. (i broke a plate, a cup, one of my paintings, two necklaces, the water-cooler...) My mom called the paramedics when i didn't stop hyperventilating. Anyway, i got over it, and realized that when i hate my mom, or feel that i hate her behavior, i need to tell her. And now i do. When she is sober, i love her and respect her beyond belief. When she's not, she elects to recieve my frustration for the grief her actions cause me (and it's not like she'll remember anyway.)
That afternoon, i talked with allison, and she agreed that i needed to get out of the house as soon as possible. She reccomended taking summer session at college to get out early. Berkeley sent me the paperwork on wednesday confirming that i am enrolled in their spanish 20 intermediate workshop, and class will begin on june 26th. I could not be more excited about it, i'll be close to allison (im styaing in a dorm because her apartment is tiny) I'll be studying a subject i love (the class is 10 units though), and i'll be away from the demonic war-zone that is my house.
However, my mom has realized, i suppose, that not only am i leaving the house, but in fact, have made arrangements to escape prematurely specifically because of her destructive addiction. I will not be around next year to save her marriage, her business, her reputation, her anything. One would think that this would provoke her to sober up and enjoy the last two months (less than) that we have together.
No. That would be too rational.
On sunday night, she threw me a surprise birthday party, which was amazing. Kids from the musical showed up, and we had a nice two hours hanging out and eating food. My mom went through a lot of work, and on top of it, bought me an amazing diamond and something else ring. Too bad that she uses good deeds as excuses to act badly.
She's been drunk in two-day straight blocks every day this week except for wednesday. Last night was the opening night for my musical. Honestly, it was one of the best performances ive ever given. She didn't come. Before going down to my 6:00 call time, she told me she loved me, how proud of me she was, how she thought i would be so successful in life. Stupid drunk. She's a complete foil of herself- when she's sober, she can only find things wrong with me... and whenever she says encouraging things, they're not real... just her drunken rambles. Anyway, she was so moved or whatever, that she gave me a diamond and amathest pendant that she bought for herself when she bought my ring. I didnt want to keep it, but when she insisted, i took it. Stupid thing.
She got in the car to drive me to my call, and could barely sit up. Thinking, "my God, she's going to kill me if she drives" I had her move to the passenger seat so i could drive instead. She had been drinking all while i did my makeup for the show, ensuring herself to be too enebriated to watch me perform. just like the time she missed my horse show. or infact, everything else she ever dissapointed me on that ever meant something. sunday morning drunk. Alcoholic. All the way to church, she futzes with the car, and i felt that overwhelming "i hate her" feeling. She put the bottle before me again, and tried to pacify me with jewelry. A $600 bribe. $600 is what she's decided her worth was as a supportive mother last night, and that necklace was supposed to take her place. That goddamn necklace isn't what i've been in anguish over for the last 10 years of my life. I want my mom to accept me, not a piece of metal and stone. She might as well be.
We were supposed to spend time together today, of course. But we won't, of course. She gave me the money for the house cleaners who come on saturdays. She told me to translate to them "here's the money, you don't have to work today. My mom wants a quiet house." I would rather tell them "my mother has deemed her drinking to be worth your pay. She would rather throw away her money than live right, or better yet, live without alcohol. Anyway, she's hung over, so take the money and go love your kids... or something."
My dad is still trying to appease her.
I'm content to just get away.
Two more nights to dissapoint me. She's doing great so far.