Here is a poem for you.
I don't know how
I don't know why
and as the Beatles say,
I might have looked the other way,
but I didn't
not today
you've got it
the floppys
the gangles
the grins
the interest
and
(good God!)
you've got the sweets
and while you've also got
the age difference
there's still something about you that screams
YES
this guy, right here
is
what we in the business call:
A! Good! Idea!
(complete with capitals)
there is something in your smile
that wakes me up
there is something in the way you peer
through the hair in your eyes
that melts me down
there is something in how you feel
next to me
that makes me want to hold on
there is something in you that makes me feel
like I've known you for ages
no, that's not right
there is something in you that I know
already
like how California seemed to have sprung
palm trees and smog and low lights and ocean,
part and parcel from my blood
familiar and alien and strange and delicious
all at once:
this is how you feel to me
there is something unsurprising
about your sudden grasp of the situation
there is something charming
about your shy smile
there is something fascinating
about you
there is something
about how you jumped on that scrap of words
idle conversation I tried to lure you in with
making it full and beautiful and
way more interesting than it would have been otherwise
there is something
about how you were charmed (?)
by some awkward words
(I'm sure I blushed) and you probably
thought it was cute
but I was mortified
sure that it had chased you off
but there is something
there is something
that seems to have drawn you closer
and I can't say I'd argue with it
there is something
there is definitely something
there is
something
there
!
***
Good lord. This is why I shouldn't go out in public. It's been like this:
Friday - don't know exactly what to think. i drop those words, "i don't have a boyfriend," like an atomic bomb, coy with (un)intention, and suddenly you go rapt. i want to put you at ease because you seem nice, and the way you've been looking at me lets me know you want to know more. i sit next to you semi-uncomfortably positively WRACKING my brain trying to come up with something worth your time, your interest. i am close to giving up and i tell the girl sitting on the other side that i recognize this song from dj'ing, that i know everything from the release date to the band to the album title, probably the library number too, if i stretched. then suddenly you jump on that idle piece of information as though it's a life raft. you must know more, and we speak for a few frenzied moments before the lights start to dim and we continue whispering throughout the intro. i am sweetly enchanted, but the tale ends here tonight. we part and go our separate ways and at the end i know nearly nothing.
Saturday - kind of hoping i see you again. not likely as friend has brought her kind of boyfriend, not the friend who's friends with you. friend is excited though and is whispery and giggly and won't tell why. finally there is an opportune moment where she grabs me and hisses through clenched teeth lest someone else hear that you think i'm cute. that's all she says. i am unsurprised because of your attentions but thoroughly flattered.
Sunday - i start thinking about it. i start overthinking about it. i realize that if you could throw the men that i have loved in a pot, stir it up, and lift out the finished product it would probably look kind of like you. part dream, part jon brion, the kind of guy who shimmies out of his coat once inside the theatre. sweet. meltingly achingly adorable. my brain has turned to goo and though normally i would care, today i don't because apparently you are interested back. this makes the heat crackle more sharply than normal. i am giggly and curious, but even friend knows very little other than what she originally told. i am left frustrated by your enigma. however, i learn i get to see you again in five days.
Monday - four days is too long to conceal my curiosity. i am secretive and reflective and realize things i probably should have before. namely, that you were just as eager to talk to me as i was to you. that's new. i remember you leaning in and smiling and everything, so close it felt strange not to touch you. i spend all day away and on the way home a stranger hits on me on the bus and to get him to stop i craft an imaginary boyfriend out of thin air who sounds surprisingly like you. he backs off and then i get to thinking... that i do too much thinking.
Tuesday - i write this and realize three days is so far away. i have millions of miles to write and by the time it's midnight friday i am going to be a dead horse getting beaten. i am tired already and it's only from one night on four hours' sleep. i am writing and writing and still all i can think of is not what i'm writing about and it's a wonder i can finish ten papers today and not think about any of them. i smile without thinking and it must show because people smile back. and i am at a loss. three days.