Revulsion
Pure, unbridled hatred. Yeah.
Since my last post I have had a major mental incident which involved locking myself away, being rather ill, not eating and not sleeping for several days due to one of my friends inadvertantly introducing me to the object of my one true phobia. I can think of many times in my life where I have wished to have a photographic memory but I now wholeheartedly thank whatever power deemed to bless me without one, otherwise I do believe I'd be a gibbering wreck right now.
There was mild hatred towards my friend for basically breaking me for a few days but this feeling eventually faded as I realised that he had no way of knowing that I'm a complete fucking mess in my head. I was so desperate at one point I seriously considered going to a hypnotist & I'm still considering it to stop my occasional flashbacks & any future incidents as that experience ranks rather high in my worst ever.
The shock to my system did, perhaps unsuprisingly, rattle some things loose in my mind & as such certain things which I thought long buried have resurfaced & none of them are particularly welcome. One of them is the hatred mentioned above which is like an addictive poison & I must get rid of.
On the lighter side I have been keeping myself rather busy this week & for the first time in a while I had & have plans with friends & loved ones for every day this week. Despite my reclusive nature I really do enjoy the people I have surrounded myself with at the moment & the the time I spend with them ends all to quickly. I think that a part of me is still resistant to the experience & I do occasionally retreat into myself & go into automatic which is a hard habit to break out of but I do believe I'll enjoy myself more when I do.
[EDIT]: Please excuse the incredibly poor standard of writing here. A combination of tiredness & the heat has left me a bit dim.