My Morning Dose of Disappointment
I don't remember my dreams when I wake up lately, but I'm pretty sure they've been about babies. For the last few days, I've been waking up cradling either my pillow or one of my cats in my arms.
Having Hunter here has been harder than I'd expected. It's been worse than having to pee on the ovulation stick first thing every single morning just to drive home the fact that I still can't have a baby. Something I've started referring to as my morning dose of disappointment. Sometimes when I'm holding him, and look down into that sweet little face, all I can see is how he is a symbol of everything I want and will never have. It kills me, and yet I can't put the baby down.
I'm sure it'll get better. The freshness of the feeling will fade. The intensity will die down. In a couple of weeks I go see the doctor again, and I'm sure they'll put me on some new and nifty drug, and I'll get to wait a few more months to see if there will be any resolution, or if it'll just be ongoing uncertainty. But then again, maybe they'll work. Who knows.
Having Hunter here has been harder than I'd expected. It's been worse than having to pee on the ovulation stick first thing every single morning just to drive home the fact that I still can't have a baby. Something I've started referring to as my morning dose of disappointment. Sometimes when I'm holding him, and look down into that sweet little face, all I can see is how he is a symbol of everything I want and will never have. It kills me, and yet I can't put the baby down.
I'm sure it'll get better. The freshness of the feeling will fade. The intensity will die down. In a couple of weeks I go see the doctor again, and I'm sure they'll put me on some new and nifty drug, and I'll get to wait a few more months to see if there will be any resolution, or if it'll just be ongoing uncertainty. But then again, maybe they'll work. Who knows.