home isn't where it used to be
i realized i've been reading all my friends' entries and participating in mindless community discussions, yet haven't updated my own shit fer yonks. as per usual, this is for the contradictory reasons that i've been busy doing loads of stuff, and feel i somehow have nothing of import to say. well, as i like to say, fuck that shit.
this semester has been a steaming pile of crap in many ways, since i've been pretty much unable to get a goddamned thing done for months now. the whole cycle of being sick, working on making up work, getting sick again, having even more to catch up on, etc. so now my classes are pretty fucked. i'm going to have to get a medical withdrawal for at least one class, and my plans of adding the film major seem to be slim to nil. in the rare moments of socializing, i end up trying to cram as much fun as possible into the night and end up losing jackets and falling out of trees and showing off my fluffy french armpit hair. so yeah, i kind of feel like a really big douche most of the time, for so very many reasons.
but thankfully my friends are understanding, and as much as i often feel like they should just call me out for being obnoxious and a bit unstable, people somehow still seem to like me, or at least tolerate having me around. for this i'm grateful, and also a bit sad, since the people to whom i'm closest are pretty much all leaving at the end of the year. i'm going to have to develop a higher likeability quotient over the summer, or at least make a lot of money so i can lure new friends into my web with generous offers of booze and things.
i do know it sounds worse from my perspective than it seems to everyone else, and i also know a lot of this is just my self-loathing and social anxiety getting out of hand. things will be easier once i've figured out all the complicated academic bureaucracy bullshit and the semester gets a little closer to being resolved, but for now i'm just trying to roll with the punches and not get myself down just for being me.
recently:
-just got through a bad three or four day migraine. like, sunglasses inside at night bad. looks like i'm in the midst of another bout of the hell i went through towards the end of high school, where i was throwing up a dozen times a day and had a constant headache. awesome!
-my beautiful old bike Helga got stolen (again), but the good folks at security let me pick out a bike from the confiscated bikes in storage. so now at least i've got something to ride, even though it's not at all my style and the chain just dislodged today. sigh. but it's got a basket, which has to count for something, right? y/n?
-i never could have imagined i'd still be with kevin (or, for that matter, to have ever gone out with him in the first place, but that's a whole different story) and yet, here we are. we've gotten past the whole age thing, although sometimes i feel a little twinge of wishing i were with someone young, someone here, with whom i could frolic and be stupid and share the 'becoming a Real Adult' process. but that always passes, and he's always there for me, and i'm learning to not overthink things too much.
these posts wherein i try to condense too much always sound like a mope-fest. there's been a lot of good though: late-night singalongs at the firepit, everyone falling asleep watching tadpole after the potluck on 4/20, the awesome force of The Potato Gun (it's shoulder-mounted, and really more like a rocket launcher, but with potatoes), longer hair and a few less pounds of flab, jazz nights, foliage, discovering i'm actually pretty good at beer pong, the o brother, where art thou soundtrack, the upcoming onslaught of free beer and barbecue, impending founder's day, having multiple pairs of big sunglasses, quality reading in my Me Time (currently: marjane satrapi's persepolis II and don't get too comfortable by david rakoff), the impossibly camp waiter at Dickens (he actually said fabtabular, i swear), a room in the north tower for next year...
aw, i just reassured myself life's not that bad. nice!
i do, however, still want to murder the birds that start chirping at 3 a.m. (particularly this one who goes "FEEEEE-FOO!!!" over and over) and the girl who took the last to-go container yesterday for a WRAPPED-UP SANDWICH when i needed it for a salad (it's already wrapped up, you cunt! SALAD DOESN'T HAVE THAT LUXURY!). other than that, though, my shit list is pretty minute.
so, this is me purging all of that. now that i've given myself this much-needed LJ enema, i'll be back on the map again, and not such a limp dick about updating. it might all be uninteresting drivel, but that's what livejournal's for, so... fuck it.
xoxo
this semester has been a steaming pile of crap in many ways, since i've been pretty much unable to get a goddamned thing done for months now. the whole cycle of being sick, working on making up work, getting sick again, having even more to catch up on, etc. so now my classes are pretty fucked. i'm going to have to get a medical withdrawal for at least one class, and my plans of adding the film major seem to be slim to nil. in the rare moments of socializing, i end up trying to cram as much fun as possible into the night and end up losing jackets and falling out of trees and showing off my fluffy french armpit hair. so yeah, i kind of feel like a really big douche most of the time, for so very many reasons.
but thankfully my friends are understanding, and as much as i often feel like they should just call me out for being obnoxious and a bit unstable, people somehow still seem to like me, or at least tolerate having me around. for this i'm grateful, and also a bit sad, since the people to whom i'm closest are pretty much all leaving at the end of the year. i'm going to have to develop a higher likeability quotient over the summer, or at least make a lot of money so i can lure new friends into my web with generous offers of booze and things.
i do know it sounds worse from my perspective than it seems to everyone else, and i also know a lot of this is just my self-loathing and social anxiety getting out of hand. things will be easier once i've figured out all the complicated academic bureaucracy bullshit and the semester gets a little closer to being resolved, but for now i'm just trying to roll with the punches and not get myself down just for being me.
recently:
-just got through a bad three or four day migraine. like, sunglasses inside at night bad. looks like i'm in the midst of another bout of the hell i went through towards the end of high school, where i was throwing up a dozen times a day and had a constant headache. awesome!
-my beautiful old bike Helga got stolen (again), but the good folks at security let me pick out a bike from the confiscated bikes in storage. so now at least i've got something to ride, even though it's not at all my style and the chain just dislodged today. sigh. but it's got a basket, which has to count for something, right? y/n?
-i never could have imagined i'd still be with kevin (or, for that matter, to have ever gone out with him in the first place, but that's a whole different story) and yet, here we are. we've gotten past the whole age thing, although sometimes i feel a little twinge of wishing i were with someone young, someone here, with whom i could frolic and be stupid and share the 'becoming a Real Adult' process. but that always passes, and he's always there for me, and i'm learning to not overthink things too much.
these posts wherein i try to condense too much always sound like a mope-fest. there's been a lot of good though: late-night singalongs at the firepit, everyone falling asleep watching tadpole after the potluck on 4/20, the awesome force of The Potato Gun (it's shoulder-mounted, and really more like a rocket launcher, but with potatoes), longer hair and a few less pounds of flab, jazz nights, foliage, discovering i'm actually pretty good at beer pong, the o brother, where art thou soundtrack, the upcoming onslaught of free beer and barbecue, impending founder's day, having multiple pairs of big sunglasses, quality reading in my Me Time (currently: marjane satrapi's persepolis II and don't get too comfortable by david rakoff), the impossibly camp waiter at Dickens (he actually said fabtabular, i swear), a room in the north tower for next year...
aw, i just reassured myself life's not that bad. nice!
i do, however, still want to murder the birds that start chirping at 3 a.m. (particularly this one who goes "FEEEEE-FOO!!!" over and over) and the girl who took the last to-go container yesterday for a WRAPPED-UP SANDWICH when i needed it for a salad (it's already wrapped up, you cunt! SALAD DOESN'T HAVE THAT LUXURY!). other than that, though, my shit list is pretty minute.
so, this is me purging all of that. now that i've given myself this much-needed LJ enema, i'll be back on the map again, and not such a limp dick about updating. it might all be uninteresting drivel, but that's what livejournal's for, so... fuck it.
xoxo