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I've recently been communicating with a "women only" spa. I'm often read as male (though I don't identify as such) and I enquired ahead of time to find out whether or not I'd be welcomed there by the establishment. As their policy is to ensure the comfort of their patrons, they eventually implied that I shouldn't come (without literally saying that
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OK, when it comes down to it, I do identify as a woman, but not neatly or by the rules that the society in which I live, plays. It would be great to not give a flying fuck, but I still need to function in this world. I find that existing within that dichotomous world is more manageable for me at this point if I agree that I don't fit neatly into one of the two pre-constructed boxes and play on the side-lines than to trounce out onto the field wearing this big sign around my neck that announces YOUR SYSTEM SUCKS, NOW LET'S PLAY BY MY RULES!
So, I don't change my concept of self to play the game, but I've changed how I engage with the game and sometimes the language I use, depending on the environment I'm in and the people I'm interacting with...even though it's still outside the bounds of the accepted.
For ME, personally (using language that seems to make sense to others), being a boi seems kind of a composition of woman and boy. There are times when I feel more of one than the other, and times when I feel like both at the same time.
I chose to communicate (via e-mail) with the spa prior to showing up there, b/c:
A) I have no desire to purposefully insert myself into a situation where I know I'd feel extremely vulnerable, without preparing myself as much as possible beforehand, and
B) I have no desire to purposefully put the spa in a situation that blindsides them. I've heard lots of other great things about this particular place, and could easily find a bazillion other places more worthy of being targeted by my activism.
I wanted to be able to join my friends and feel reasonably comfortable in the environment, knowing that even if some of the other clients were a little uncomfortable with my presence (I'm going to get that just about anywhere I go that's a "women only" space) that at least the establishment would support my right to be there.
But it's a business, not a non-profit organization, and I need to keep that in mind. I don't agree with the "logic" [cough] they used to explain their stance, and could poke a million holes in it (and have every intention of doing that) but when all is said and done, they're there to make money...as they have a right to do.
This is the spa my friends invited me to (not even considering it an issue). And there is no other spa space in Toronto of which I'm aware that is both woman and truly gender-queer positive (let alone that I could afford).
Today, this particular battle is not one I have the energy to fight.
How do you see your scenario 2 being any different than scenario 1, if both include identifying as a woman?
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