(no subject)
I made a playlist today. It was supposed to be light and sweet and full of optimistic promise about the Spring romance I'm craving so badly.
But then it started to get dark, and it rained.
And I watched grown men get choked up thinking about losing their friend to sickness.
I watched them get faraway looks in their eyes while the peered into the past and remembered.
I watched their eyes glaze over with a thin layer of tears as they fought back their rage for how full of shit something like this is.
I saw messages of love travel between hearts across the world for the sudden loss of a young friend.
And I felt so sad...
And I got scared. I worried...
I left work a half hour before close because I knew if I got home early enough I could sit in silence a while and feel everything deeply for a little bit.
I took deep breaths and thought about everything I am. How happy I am to be who I am.
I admitted to myself that I am so scared to be alone.
I admitted that every ounce of me craves warmth. Touch. Reassurance. Comfort.
It's nothing new, but right now, the emptiness is so loud.
It's so cliche, but all I hear screaming through my head as I listen to this romantic playlist is "I just don't want to be alone. Please.."