The One Thing I Can Do
Word Count: 1, 318
Rating: NC-17
Description: Written for longjackets, who wanted angsty Post-Camlann Merlin/Gwen smut. PWP
“No!” she cried, face suddenly losing all royal composure as she grabbed his arm and with a strength he never knew she had, fiercely turned him around.
“I already watched one man I love ride out into battle and never return I won’t do it again!"
There was a ringing silence.
Gwen seemed to be waiting for him to say something; she searched his face while tears streamed down her own, but finding no response she let out a sob and turned to walk away.
It was like a someone had poured hot coals down his back - his entire system reacted with a jolt.
“Gwen wait!:
But she shook her head and refused to meet his gaze, covering her tears with one hand.
“No it isn’t -” he grabbed her arm in a reverse of their positions earlier, and spun her around to face him, ” - it isn’t like that,” he finished softly.
She took a deep breath.
“It was only….." he continued, "you said they rumours that’s all. What the council was saying about us, about your feelings for me. That they were just rumours."
She finally met his gaze, head on, ever the fighter, the strong ruler.
“They weren’t,” she choked out.
It was like a fire being ignited inside of him. Her words shot through his whole body pooling as heat in his groin, and before he knew what he was doing, he had pressed his mouth to hers and was kissing her.
He didn’t know how long his feelings for her had been growing unacknowledged or perhaps deliberately ignored, ever since they had started working side by side as Queen and Sorcerer and nor did he know how long hers had been growing for him
All he knew was that, in this moment, he wanted her.
He pushed her back up against the wall of the corridor, mouth hungrily licking into hers as she groaned and put her fist in his hair
His hands were roaming down her shoulder, down her arms to her waist….
“Merlin,” she said breathlessly, “maybe, the bedroom?”
He stopped, the full realisation of what he was doing suddenly hitting him full force.
He was about to sleep with his best friend’s widow.
He took a step back.
“Gwen I….”
But she smiled, and followed him step for step, until it was he that was backed up against the opposite wall, and Gwen smiling at him, pulling him down into a hug.
He exhaled slowly into her shoulder, guilt pounding him.
“Merlin,” she said, pulling his face back up and kissing him softly on his forehead, then his cheeks, then his eyelids. “He’d have wanted us to happy.”
Merlin nodded half-listening, growing hard again as she continued to kiss her way around his face, getting closer and closer to his lips, until he couldn’t stand it anymore and he turned his mouth to capture hers.
“That’s better,” she said with a grin, breaking the hungry kiss. Merlin smiled sheepishly.
“Come on,” she said, grabbing his hand and leading him back to her chambers.
Gwen had moved chambers after Arthur died.
Merlin was glad that were no reminders of him as she shut the door and promptly moved to unlace her bodice.
“Gwen….”
“Sssh,” she said, moving over to him and lacing her fingers in his. “Let me?"
And he did. He let her take control as she moved his hands first to her shoulders, then to down her arms and back up again to her chest, as she moved his fingers over the laces and worked them open, as she slipped his hand inside.
“Gwen,” he groaned.
“Alright,” she said, rather cheekily - he thought he recognised the smile as being one he had seen her give to Arthur when she was teasing him, long ago, but before he could follow that thought to its guilty conclusion she was taking his hand out of her bodice and sucking his fingers, one by one.
Suddenly, Merlin had had enough of teasing.
He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close to him; Gwen gasped as with a muttered spell, her dress was removed leaving only her underclothes behind.
He took a brief moment to glance down and take her in, almost naked, before he began sucking on her neck, and then her collarbone.
Gwen groaned, and taking his cue, he ran his hand down the side of body, magically melting away the under-dress with it.
He stopped briefly to look at her, to check that she was alright, but she only said “now do it to you” and Merlin obliged.
Hands on Gwen’s hips, he began kissing her as he walked her backwards towards the bed, until the edge of it was bumping into Gwen’s legs and she fell back onto it.
Merlin stopped to gaze down at her; she was beautiful
Suddenly she laughed.
“Get down here!” she giggled, and Merlin smiled and obeyed.
He hovered over her, sucking her neck, peppering little kisses over her ribs as moved down towards her breasts and cupped them before putting one nipple into his mouth.
Gwen breathed low and heavy as he continued to move downward, trailing his lips over her belly until he arrived at the wet curls between her legs.
Gwen’s breath hitched.
Grinning up her, Merlin began slowly to kiss his way around the lips before slipping his tongue inside.
Gwen cried out as he licked and sucked until finally locating the little nub that caused her to grab his hair.
He pressed his tongue gently into it at first and then harder, urged on by her moaning, flicking it back and forth as Gwen gasped and shuddered until finally her thighs began to tremble and she came with a cry of “Merlin!"
He pulled away, gasping and painfully hard, wanting to see her as she came apart.
“You’re beautiful,” he said when she had finished, and she smiled and pulled him down for a kiss, licking herself off his tongue.
She shifted and then she was wrapping one leg around his hip and moving the other up on his other side.
He looked down at her, and she smiled back up at him.
“I’m ready,” she said, and with a shock he thought I love you.
But he didn’t say anything. Instead, never breaking eye contact, with one sure stroke he pushed in.
Gwen gasped.
He pulled out and thrust in again, briefly looking down at her breasts as he revelled in the feeling of her wet heat.
He moved slowly, drinking in every inch of her, until a touch of her hand to his face brought him back up to hers.
She brought his lips to hers and they kissed as he moved inside her, until she broke it and moved her lips down to suck at his neck
Spurred on, he began to move faster, thrusting in earnest until he felt himself crest and finally fall over the edge as he came with a shudder.
Breathing hard, he rested on Gwen awhile, enjoying the feel of her legs wrapped around him until he finally pushed himself up to look at her and ask “alright?”
She smiled, and at that moment he knew he was gone; right or wrong, he would never stop wanting to be with her from this moment
“Never better,” she whispered.
Merlin grinned and rolled off her, conjuring a cloth for the mess.
Later, as he held her in his arms, the guilt hit him afresh - the sense of failure that it should be Arthur holding Gwen like this, that it was disrespectful to his memory to feel toward Gwen as he did, that he shouldn’t have failed Arthur in the first place so that Gwen ruled the kingdom alone.
Not alone anymore, he swore to her silently, looking down at her face pillowed on his shoulder
That’s one thing I can do at least