i wish i could have been warned.
so i just got the cops called on me.
i slapped my brother.
big whoop.
i probably shouldn't have smacked him, but i still think he deserved it.
he got in trouble with the cops twice in 3 days, so i grounded him.
he broke the grounding 3 times already, and he's only been grounded for a week.
he's only 12.
but anyway.
the cops were obviously on my side.
he told the cops that i left bruises from hitting him the other night, and that i had a knife and i tried to kill him.
i only slapped him.
and he has been gone for 2 days, and he's still grounded.
i did not leave bruises on him.
i'm not strong.
at all.
i can barely bench press the bar.
and i'm not really violent.
there's no way i'd have a knife and try to kill him.
my mom is obviously really sick.
and my brother is really good at making her feel guilty about everything, so she lets him get away with anything.
and here i am trying to raise him decent because i don't want my name to go to shame.
and i'm trying to do the right thing too because, well.
he's my brother.
unfortunately.
and i just turned 18 in november.
my mom told me i don't know how to raise kids, but neither does she.
and i'm not supposed to know how to raise kids.
i don't have any kids.
i don't plan on having any soon.
and i'm way too young to have any responsibilities over someone else's life.
i'm barely responsible enough to run mine.
my dad's obviously not here.
and i'm supposed to be doing everything, but no one understands that it's way too hard for me too.
i'm at an age where i just want to be free of responsibility and just be freeeee all together.
i want to do stuff for me.
i want to be selfish.
i want to not care about anything or anyone but myself.
i want to go hang out with my friends at any time of the day and have no commitment to anything.
i want to be able to go to school and not have to worry about my mom.
i want to be able to go to work and not have to worry about what my brother's doing.
i want to be able to go out and just have a clear mind.
my god.
i know life is not fair and everyone has it hard, but i'm not prepared for this.
my whole life i've always been the one that's had to grow up fast because i never had parents.
i never had anyone take care of me.
i've always just been a huge burden to everyone.
so by the time i was 5 i figured out things that normal people don't figure out their whole lives.
i figured out that disappointments were just a normal part of life.
and that even though you love someone so much, that don't always love you back.
and i learned that there is no such thing as unconditional love.
and i learned not to annoy anyone or get in anyone's way because they don't owe you anything and can just leave or do whatever they want.
and i learned that you have to learn to do everything for yourself because that's the only person you can really depend on.
and i learned that you can't always do what you want and you have to do things that will be good for whatever situation you're in.
and i learned that i'm replacable.
maybe it took me 6 years to figure this all out.
but i did.
and i've been living my life with that knowledge since.
everyone left me.
i never thought it could happen, but one day it did.
i came home, my dad was gone.
my mom was gone.
my brother was gone.
and all that was left was me.
i called all of my other family members trying to find out where they were.
none of them knew.
i was 7.
none of them wanted to take me in.
and like i said, i've just always been a big burden to everyone.
and they did a good job of letting me know that.
every fucking day.
i mean what did they want me to do?
what could i do?
i was 7.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to be without my parents.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to try and readjust my whole life.
if i could've lived on my own then, i would've.
the thing i hate most is feeling like i'm a burden, or that i'm annoying.
what it boils down to is just feeling unwanted.
no one wanted me.
and i never wanted this.
and i want to be a prick and just leave.
but unlike them, i care.
i care about my mom.
i care about my dad.
i care about my family.
i care about my friends.
i don't see them as a burden.
i just wish i could treat them the same way they've treated me.
but that wouldn't be right.
but all those years i felt unwanted, i was.
now i can't have a decent friendship, and i definitely can't have a decent relationship.
everyone expects so much of me.
i can't do that.
i'm sorry.
i was a strong 7 year old.
but only because i didn't have a choice.
now i just want to be a coward, and i'll be okay with that.
i can't deal with taking care of my mom, feeding her, buying her everything she wants, and trying to fulfill all of her wants before she dies.
i can't take care of my brother, go to school, go to work, and still have a social life.
i'm tired of growing up.
i wanted these years to be the years that i could take back and just do what i want, but it's apparent that i can't.
even though i don't have kids, i have the responsibilites of having them.
because my mom is pretty much my baby, and so is my brother.
when did i ever get to be the baby?
when did anyone ever take care of me?
please someone tell me.
what did i do to deserve this.
i'm feeling way too sorry for myself right now.
but i can't help but not want this life.
i need a big break.
just for me.
to figure out my whole life.
where i'm at, and where i want to go.
because right now everything's just a mess.
i'm a mess.
i slapped my brother.
big whoop.
i probably shouldn't have smacked him, but i still think he deserved it.
he got in trouble with the cops twice in 3 days, so i grounded him.
he broke the grounding 3 times already, and he's only been grounded for a week.
he's only 12.
but anyway.
the cops were obviously on my side.
he told the cops that i left bruises from hitting him the other night, and that i had a knife and i tried to kill him.
i only slapped him.
and he has been gone for 2 days, and he's still grounded.
i did not leave bruises on him.
i'm not strong.
at all.
i can barely bench press the bar.
and i'm not really violent.
there's no way i'd have a knife and try to kill him.
my mom is obviously really sick.
and my brother is really good at making her feel guilty about everything, so she lets him get away with anything.
and here i am trying to raise him decent because i don't want my name to go to shame.
and i'm trying to do the right thing too because, well.
he's my brother.
unfortunately.
and i just turned 18 in november.
my mom told me i don't know how to raise kids, but neither does she.
and i'm not supposed to know how to raise kids.
i don't have any kids.
i don't plan on having any soon.
and i'm way too young to have any responsibilities over someone else's life.
i'm barely responsible enough to run mine.
my dad's obviously not here.
and i'm supposed to be doing everything, but no one understands that it's way too hard for me too.
i'm at an age where i just want to be free of responsibility and just be freeeee all together.
i want to do stuff for me.
i want to be selfish.
i want to not care about anything or anyone but myself.
i want to go hang out with my friends at any time of the day and have no commitment to anything.
i want to be able to go to school and not have to worry about my mom.
i want to be able to go to work and not have to worry about what my brother's doing.
i want to be able to go out and just have a clear mind.
my god.
i know life is not fair and everyone has it hard, but i'm not prepared for this.
my whole life i've always been the one that's had to grow up fast because i never had parents.
i never had anyone take care of me.
i've always just been a huge burden to everyone.
so by the time i was 5 i figured out things that normal people don't figure out their whole lives.
i figured out that disappointments were just a normal part of life.
and that even though you love someone so much, that don't always love you back.
and i learned that there is no such thing as unconditional love.
and i learned not to annoy anyone or get in anyone's way because they don't owe you anything and can just leave or do whatever they want.
and i learned that you have to learn to do everything for yourself because that's the only person you can really depend on.
and i learned that you can't always do what you want and you have to do things that will be good for whatever situation you're in.
and i learned that i'm replacable.
maybe it took me 6 years to figure this all out.
but i did.
and i've been living my life with that knowledge since.
everyone left me.
i never thought it could happen, but one day it did.
i came home, my dad was gone.
my mom was gone.
my brother was gone.
and all that was left was me.
i called all of my other family members trying to find out where they were.
none of them knew.
i was 7.
none of them wanted to take me in.
and like i said, i've just always been a big burden to everyone.
and they did a good job of letting me know that.
every fucking day.
i mean what did they want me to do?
what could i do?
i was 7.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to be without my parents.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to try and readjust my whole life.
if i could've lived on my own then, i would've.
the thing i hate most is feeling like i'm a burden, or that i'm annoying.
what it boils down to is just feeling unwanted.
no one wanted me.
and i never wanted this.
and i want to be a prick and just leave.
but unlike them, i care.
i care about my mom.
i care about my dad.
i care about my family.
i care about my friends.
i don't see them as a burden.
i just wish i could treat them the same way they've treated me.
but that wouldn't be right.
but all those years i felt unwanted, i was.
now i can't have a decent friendship, and i definitely can't have a decent relationship.
everyone expects so much of me.
i can't do that.
i'm sorry.
i was a strong 7 year old.
but only because i didn't have a choice.
now i just want to be a coward, and i'll be okay with that.
i can't deal with taking care of my mom, feeding her, buying her everything she wants, and trying to fulfill all of her wants before she dies.
i can't take care of my brother, go to school, go to work, and still have a social life.
i'm tired of growing up.
i wanted these years to be the years that i could take back and just do what i want, but it's apparent that i can't.
even though i don't have kids, i have the responsibilites of having them.
because my mom is pretty much my baby, and so is my brother.
when did i ever get to be the baby?
when did anyone ever take care of me?
please someone tell me.
what did i do to deserve this.
i'm feeling way too sorry for myself right now.
but i can't help but not want this life.
i need a big break.
just for me.
to figure out my whole life.
where i'm at, and where i want to go.
because right now everything's just a mess.
i'm a mess.