you'll never land again until you stop falling down
im so frustrated with everyone right now. i apparently am supposed to be seeing darin, but he hasnt showed me that he likes me as much as he says he does. he doesnt try and see me, he talks to me when its convenient for him, and he just in general shows a lack of consideration. i wanted to keep my distance for this exact reason. i just dont believe him even though i want to, and because i WANT to i feel vulnerable and become the needy girl. its irritating bc i didnt want this to happen.
on top of that ive felt discouragement from him and other people about moving to austin.
i went over to scottys place the other night bc hes been feeling sorry for himself and needed my presence apparently. its been like that a lot lately actually. he feels lonely and blah and calls on me when he needs me or when hes drunk , but when i need him hes nowhere to be found. pretty par for the course really. we did have fun though just watching tv and falling asleep. the next day i made pancakes and hung around and he started making me question my soon to be situation. what if you are miserable in austin like you are in dallas? what if ashley and kelly get tired of you not having a job? what if you end up in a similar situation as are you are in? basically being super pessimistic....as if im not pessimistic enough. it was really disheartening because its not like this hasnt been stuff ive thought about myself. on top of that his band had their first gig and he lied to me about it bc he thought it would be 'awkward' and didnt want to hurt my feelings. newsflash: lying hurts my feelings. i keep him in my life despite the crap i get from people. i try and be there for him and yet ive received nothing in return. nothing but the same feeling ive had for the past almost 2 years. moving is really the only way i can stop myself from trying to "save" him.
i know austin is not japan and im only moving 4 hours away, but i AM moving away from my comfort zone... all the familiarity and dysfunction that ive gotten used to that seems normal for me, and i was EXCITED about it, but now...im not as happy as i feel like i should be. i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. my therapist told me i was harder on myself than any of her other patients. its so true and it makes criticism that much more hard because its like....if i feel this way about myself then other people start to project that on me, maybe its all true.
i hope once i start actively looking for a job and getting things rolling i will start to feel better. i also reallyreallyreally hope the next couple of weeks start to pick up otherwise im taking all this baggage from one city to another and thats something i was trying to avoid.
on top of that ive felt discouragement from him and other people about moving to austin.
i went over to scottys place the other night bc hes been feeling sorry for himself and needed my presence apparently. its been like that a lot lately actually. he feels lonely and blah and calls on me when he needs me or when hes drunk , but when i need him hes nowhere to be found. pretty par for the course really. we did have fun though just watching tv and falling asleep. the next day i made pancakes and hung around and he started making me question my soon to be situation. what if you are miserable in austin like you are in dallas? what if ashley and kelly get tired of you not having a job? what if you end up in a similar situation as are you are in? basically being super pessimistic....as if im not pessimistic enough. it was really disheartening because its not like this hasnt been stuff ive thought about myself. on top of that his band had their first gig and he lied to me about it bc he thought it would be 'awkward' and didnt want to hurt my feelings. newsflash: lying hurts my feelings. i keep him in my life despite the crap i get from people. i try and be there for him and yet ive received nothing in return. nothing but the same feeling ive had for the past almost 2 years. moving is really the only way i can stop myself from trying to "save" him.
i know austin is not japan and im only moving 4 hours away, but i AM moving away from my comfort zone... all the familiarity and dysfunction that ive gotten used to that seems normal for me, and i was EXCITED about it, but now...im not as happy as i feel like i should be. i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. my therapist told me i was harder on myself than any of her other patients. its so true and it makes criticism that much more hard because its like....if i feel this way about myself then other people start to project that on me, maybe its all true.
i hope once i start actively looking for a job and getting things rolling i will start to feel better. i also reallyreallyreally hope the next couple of weeks start to pick up otherwise im taking all this baggage from one city to another and thats something i was trying to avoid.