when you lose something you cant replace....
happy new year eh? i dont have a boyfriend anymore, and my boss's last day was today. i know that doesnt seem like a big deal to most people but this lady has been a part of my life for 3 years and she was the one thing on my side at that place. her boss (ceo's daughter) hates me and told our new supervisor in so many words that im a slacker. not having my boss there is like being front of the firing squad with no shield. im basically done for. it was just a depressing realization.
scotty used to be my port in the storm. after work going downstairs to seeing him waiting to pick me up was the only part of my day i could stand. coming home and him being here on his laptop on the futon was the one thing i could look forward to daily and now its gone. last night i was at the mavs game with my friend richie and i texted him and he texted me back saying he was going to the cavern around 10 and if i wanted to stop by but he wouldnt be out too late. i told him if it wasnt too late i definitely would bc i had already had some drinks and i told him to tell me when he got there. we left the game around 10 i guess so i called him to see if he was there and if not when he could get there bc when he says a time its usually like 3 hours later and he just got really pissy with me bc he was with his mom and i kept calling him and that he wasnt going to be out all night blah blah blah and i tried to tell him i didnt know he was with his mom eating dinner and i just wanted to know when he would be there so i wasnt sitting up there waiting alone and i hadnt planned on staying out late either bc i do have a job to go to in the morning and i just wanted to see if he could also take me home bc i would have to get a ride up there and he was just being unnecessarily edgy. so instead of going home and going to bed and just leaving it alone like i should have i call this guy dirk that goes up there a lot and asked if he wanted to go and he said yeah so he picks me up and i walk in and scotty is playing and he just gives me this look like i had just betrayed him or something by being with dirk. why does it matter? youre not my boyfriend anymore. so then he and i start getting into it and i tried telling him why i was pissed and he kept just saying youre just drunk and acting like this all the while his mom is sitting at a table by herself and im like ok cool so you yell at me in front of her and now youre yelling at me more in front of her. so then i met her....i was kinda drunk but he acted like i was falling over breaking shit...but i was maintaining my composure. should i have met her like that? no. i was already in a shitty mood bc of him. so then he insisted on taking me home even though i was saying id just get a ride back from dirk and he was just like treating me like i was a small child. lets just forget the dozens of times hes gotten way more drunk than i was and acted like a retard. so then i call him when i got all showered and stuff and just started yelling at him and he eventually got tired of it and just hung up on me and would not answer the phone. i woke up this morning even more broken hearted than i had been bc i think i knew the lines of communication weve been working on for the past week or so were broken and there was nothing i could do to fix them.
just throughout the day its been nothing but tough realizations and now i have realized i need to get over it and just let it go. last night i think i just kind of had enough of what i felt like was being strung along. he wasnt giving me definite answers, he kept acting like yes he wanted to make things work but then kept acting like there was nothing he could do to make it work, and i just cant sit around waiting to see if he decides to be with me. all these i miss you and i love you texts dont mean anything if hes not even going to try. i lost a lot of feeling with rene before we even broke up and then i met scotty and it felt like ...wow....is this what love is really like? it was the best feeling in the world, and now its gone and its the worst feeling in the world. when you dont have it anymore where does the love go? am i supposed to just forget it and he ever existed? hes sent me a few texts today and they were almost as if they were from a distant friend that i talk to once a month. im glad he can just shut it off so easily bc its a little more difficult for me. i wish i could...just turn it off...because i really dont want to feel like this anymore. i wish i kept my distance like i thought i shouldve when we first met. i knew i was going to end up with the broken heart.
scotty used to be my port in the storm. after work going downstairs to seeing him waiting to pick me up was the only part of my day i could stand. coming home and him being here on his laptop on the futon was the one thing i could look forward to daily and now its gone. last night i was at the mavs game with my friend richie and i texted him and he texted me back saying he was going to the cavern around 10 and if i wanted to stop by but he wouldnt be out too late. i told him if it wasnt too late i definitely would bc i had already had some drinks and i told him to tell me when he got there. we left the game around 10 i guess so i called him to see if he was there and if not when he could get there bc when he says a time its usually like 3 hours later and he just got really pissy with me bc he was with his mom and i kept calling him and that he wasnt going to be out all night blah blah blah and i tried to tell him i didnt know he was with his mom eating dinner and i just wanted to know when he would be there so i wasnt sitting up there waiting alone and i hadnt planned on staying out late either bc i do have a job to go to in the morning and i just wanted to see if he could also take me home bc i would have to get a ride up there and he was just being unnecessarily edgy. so instead of going home and going to bed and just leaving it alone like i should have i call this guy dirk that goes up there a lot and asked if he wanted to go and he said yeah so he picks me up and i walk in and scotty is playing and he just gives me this look like i had just betrayed him or something by being with dirk. why does it matter? youre not my boyfriend anymore. so then he and i start getting into it and i tried telling him why i was pissed and he kept just saying youre just drunk and acting like this all the while his mom is sitting at a table by herself and im like ok cool so you yell at me in front of her and now youre yelling at me more in front of her. so then i met her....i was kinda drunk but he acted like i was falling over breaking shit...but i was maintaining my composure. should i have met her like that? no. i was already in a shitty mood bc of him. so then he insisted on taking me home even though i was saying id just get a ride back from dirk and he was just like treating me like i was a small child. lets just forget the dozens of times hes gotten way more drunk than i was and acted like a retard. so then i call him when i got all showered and stuff and just started yelling at him and he eventually got tired of it and just hung up on me and would not answer the phone. i woke up this morning even more broken hearted than i had been bc i think i knew the lines of communication weve been working on for the past week or so were broken and there was nothing i could do to fix them.
just throughout the day its been nothing but tough realizations and now i have realized i need to get over it and just let it go. last night i think i just kind of had enough of what i felt like was being strung along. he wasnt giving me definite answers, he kept acting like yes he wanted to make things work but then kept acting like there was nothing he could do to make it work, and i just cant sit around waiting to see if he decides to be with me. all these i miss you and i love you texts dont mean anything if hes not even going to try. i lost a lot of feeling with rene before we even broke up and then i met scotty and it felt like ...wow....is this what love is really like? it was the best feeling in the world, and now its gone and its the worst feeling in the world. when you dont have it anymore where does the love go? am i supposed to just forget it and he ever existed? hes sent me a few texts today and they were almost as if they were from a distant friend that i talk to once a month. im glad he can just shut it off so easily bc its a little more difficult for me. i wish i could...just turn it off...because i really dont want to feel like this anymore. i wish i kept my distance like i thought i shouldve when we first met. i knew i was going to end up with the broken heart.