paying for my past (part one)
Lately I have been dealing with my past.
Things that I have done biting me in the ass today.
Point One:
Being bulimic..
When I was a freshman in high school I asked my mom to send me to "fitness camp" because I wanted to lose weight. She, of course, obliged me because I wanted it so badly and it was a good idea.
I loved it... besides the homesickness. For five weeks, I basically worked out all the time. I looked pretty good... but when I got home, I followed everything they taught me, measured food, walked everywhere, etc. I looked damn good.
Soon this whole thing turned into an obsession.
I was going to the gym right when it opened at 5am on the dot, measuring every single thing I ate for the most part, and just being serious about my body.
Soon this turned into an eating disorder.
I would see how long I could go each day without eating too much, keeping my calories at under 400 by dinner if I could..
My older sister who I had met only later in life, had been bulimic coming into my life. I'm NOT saying this is why I did it, but maybe subconsciously I tried it because I heard her doing it.
Anyways, one day, I believe it was New Years Eve, I had a big dessert with my parents. Feeling full and incredibly guilty, I went to the bathroom and made myself purge until I felt better of myself.
Soon this turned into a habit.
I went to the dentist sometime into my "problem" and he called my parents to tell me about the acid in the back of my throat, implying he could tell I was throwing up on a regular basis.
This led to my dad confronting me about my problem.
We decided that it would be a good idea to send me to my grandpa (a psychologist) for help with my issues.
After much hypnosis and sessions... I pretty much had kicked my problem.
But, once a bulimic always a bulimic (just like an alcoholic). My body has the tendency to want to "purge" everytime I eat too much or get too full.
As a freshman in college, I started falling into my old habit.. it was an easy way for me to relieve stress...
I confronted my boyfriend about it and together we decided that he would stop smoking cigarettes (a habit he picked up) and I would stop doing what I was doing. Knowing that he was stopping smoking just for me (and vice versa) made it easy.
So, I would say that was when I "officially" stopped.. but, like I said, once a bulimic, always a bulimic. I've purged since then.. I wouldn't say I'm proud of that statement, but sometimes I can't keep it down, sometimes the reflex occurs on it's own...
Why I bring this up now is because of my ear problem.. My ear problem??? Confused yet?
Well, for the past few years, I've had pain in my ears, a lack of hearing, feeling they were clogged.. so finally I went to an Ear Nose Throat doctor. What it came down to was putting tubes in my ears to relieve the pressure and drain any fluid that may be keeping me from hearing.
Months later I feel the same.
So I go back to the ENT and he tells me that my pain could be a few things .. TMJ, something with my lymph nodes, or something going on with my teeth.
When he said that my ear problems could be related to my teeth, a light bulb went off.
I have not been to the dentist since he "ratted me out."
My teeth are terrible.
I KNOW I have cavities (plural). They are REALLY REALLY bad.
I brush everyday, but the damage I've caused them over the past years isn't something that is prevented from brushing two times a day.
I've been too embarrassed about my teeth to go to the dentist. Yes, it seems terrible and maybe even disgusting.. but my embarrassment has outweighed my want to fix my teeth.
But now I have to go to the dentist. I have to face the music and I have to suck up my embarrassment.
I told the dentist I'd come see him soon. He saved my life. Who knows when I would've stopped binging and purging if he didn't call my dad. Did I mention that I see him everyday at work... He's one of my regular customers at Starbucks...
Things that I have done biting me in the ass today.
Point One:
Being bulimic..
When I was a freshman in high school I asked my mom to send me to "fitness camp" because I wanted to lose weight. She, of course, obliged me because I wanted it so badly and it was a good idea.
I loved it... besides the homesickness. For five weeks, I basically worked out all the time. I looked pretty good... but when I got home, I followed everything they taught me, measured food, walked everywhere, etc. I looked damn good.
Soon this whole thing turned into an obsession.
I was going to the gym right when it opened at 5am on the dot, measuring every single thing I ate for the most part, and just being serious about my body.
Soon this turned into an eating disorder.
I would see how long I could go each day without eating too much, keeping my calories at under 400 by dinner if I could..
My older sister who I had met only later in life, had been bulimic coming into my life. I'm NOT saying this is why I did it, but maybe subconsciously I tried it because I heard her doing it.
Anyways, one day, I believe it was New Years Eve, I had a big dessert with my parents. Feeling full and incredibly guilty, I went to the bathroom and made myself purge until I felt better of myself.
Soon this turned into a habit.
I went to the dentist sometime into my "problem" and he called my parents to tell me about the acid in the back of my throat, implying he could tell I was throwing up on a regular basis.
This led to my dad confronting me about my problem.
We decided that it would be a good idea to send me to my grandpa (a psychologist) for help with my issues.
After much hypnosis and sessions... I pretty much had kicked my problem.
But, once a bulimic always a bulimic (just like an alcoholic). My body has the tendency to want to "purge" everytime I eat too much or get too full.
As a freshman in college, I started falling into my old habit.. it was an easy way for me to relieve stress...
I confronted my boyfriend about it and together we decided that he would stop smoking cigarettes (a habit he picked up) and I would stop doing what I was doing. Knowing that he was stopping smoking just for me (and vice versa) made it easy.
So, I would say that was when I "officially" stopped.. but, like I said, once a bulimic, always a bulimic. I've purged since then.. I wouldn't say I'm proud of that statement, but sometimes I can't keep it down, sometimes the reflex occurs on it's own...
Why I bring this up now is because of my ear problem.. My ear problem??? Confused yet?
Well, for the past few years, I've had pain in my ears, a lack of hearing, feeling they were clogged.. so finally I went to an Ear Nose Throat doctor. What it came down to was putting tubes in my ears to relieve the pressure and drain any fluid that may be keeping me from hearing.
Months later I feel the same.
So I go back to the ENT and he tells me that my pain could be a few things .. TMJ, something with my lymph nodes, or something going on with my teeth.
When he said that my ear problems could be related to my teeth, a light bulb went off.
I have not been to the dentist since he "ratted me out."
My teeth are terrible.
I KNOW I have cavities (plural). They are REALLY REALLY bad.
I brush everyday, but the damage I've caused them over the past years isn't something that is prevented from brushing two times a day.
I've been too embarrassed about my teeth to go to the dentist. Yes, it seems terrible and maybe even disgusting.. but my embarrassment has outweighed my want to fix my teeth.
But now I have to go to the dentist. I have to face the music and I have to suck up my embarrassment.
I told the dentist I'd come see him soon. He saved my life. Who knows when I would've stopped binging and purging if he didn't call my dad. Did I mention that I see him everyday at work... He's one of my regular customers at Starbucks...