(no subject)
I have let this journal lapse for way too long. I'm angry with myself because I went through a lot over the last several months, and I really wish I had written more down. Someday, I might want to look back on it, and now I won't have that chance. I doubt I will want to though. The last several months have been the hardest months of my life.
Jon broke up with me. You know, it's almost 5 months after the fact and I still don't know exactly how I feel about it. I have known it was coming for a long time. We have broken up before, and somehow, I have always convinced him to come back--to try again. I don't even know why I convinced him in the first place though because I knew it was over. It was over the day I made love to Michael. I don't even think I tried to convince him to stay because I loved him because I don't think I've loved him for 2 years. We just had such an established life together. We had furniture and a home and pets. He knew me so well. We were never in love, but we worked and I think I was willing to sacrifice that passion for stability. But he wasn't.
I think he was cheating on me. To this day, he swears he never did, but he has always been such a liar you never know whether to believe him or not. He hurt me so much. I went home to Michigan the night he broke up with me. I left on good terms with him, and the only thing I asked him was not to bring that girl into my house, not to have her on my furniture or my bed. He told me he wouldn't, and when I got back, he swears he didn't. But just a few months ago I found her myspace, and she had left a comment to one of her friends saying she'd spent the night with Jon the day I left. It hurt to read that. It breaks my heart to know that every night I lay down to sleep in a bed that Jon slept with another girl in. I try not to think about it. I try to remind myself I did the same thing to him, but he just never knew. Part of me wants to tell him. I want to tell him the sorted details of my affair, how very much I loved Michael, how many times we actually were together. But I never did, and I never will. Partly because I know I would just be doing it to be vindictive, and partly because Michael was worth more to me than that. I wasn't with him out of spite or desperation or loneliness, or any of the reasons I think a lot of people have affairs. I was with him because I truly loved him and it would just belittle it to use that as a weapon against Jon. Michael deserves better than that. But I'm digressing.
Things got worse and worse with Jon. We talked a couple of times on the phone, and it turned to arguing and fighting. In the end, he threatened to change the locks and keep all of my stuff because we had changed the lease already and he could have legally done it. I went home the second we hung up which happened to be the night of the worst blizzard in history and of course I went into the ditch. Jon has AAA and I could have gotten towed for free, but he wouldn't even do that for me. I ended up calling 911, and I had to have the police and a wrecker come. The cop gave me a $198 ticket for driving "left of center". It was just the last thing I needed in my life. To top it off, when I got back to the apartment, Jon had a huge hickey on his neck. My God, even writing about it now, I don't know how I made it through. There were so many nights I thought about suicide, and on top of that, I started cutting. Worse than I had been when I was with Jon. I still do from time to time, but not so much. Mostly because of the scars. It's not that I even care about the scars but it's embarassing when other people see them. People are always judging you.
I guess one of the good things that came out of all of this is I realized how great my family is and how much I love them. I spent a lot of hours on the phone with my grandma, my aunts, and my uncle. Everyone pulled through. Especially Kevin. He's not even my real uncle, just my uncle through marriage, but he came through more than anyone. He had his friend get a U-Haul, and the two of them came over one day when Jon was working and we took everything. All the furniture, all my stuff. Just everything that belonged to me. The apartment was bare. It literally looked like when we first moved in. Then my uncle left, and I was packing up the last of my clothes. Jon wasn't supposed to be home until 7pm, but he came home 2 hours early. I think that's when things reached the climax. When he came in and realized for the first time how much it was going to cost him to break up with me, he just sort of flipped out. I don't think he ever thought about how much I had contributed to the relationship until it was time to split up the belongings. He just started being such a jackass about it and he was screaming at me and saying such mean things. Finally, he ran outside for something and I locked him out. I told him to come back at 7pm and let me move in peace and I'd be gone. I called my mom and was crying on the phone, telling her how I couldn't believe it had come down to this when Jon broke a window and climbed into the apartment. Up until that point, I had felt depression, bargaining, denial--but that was the first time I felt anger. I just dropped the phone and flew at him in a rage. We started screaming at each other and swearing, and soon it got physical. My mom must have called Kevin because he broke the door open right when we were hitting each other. I've never been so relieved to see someone. We got the last of my things and we left.
The first couple nights in my new apartment were so weird. My family came up the very first weekend and unpacked me since prior to that I just sort of sat there. I had no will to live, no desire to move on. Plus on top of it, Jon and I were still sleeping together which is the weird thing. We made up after the fight because we didn't want things to end like that. Then when I would feel the most alone or the most upset, I would go there and we would have sex. I know he was just using me, but it was okay because for half an hour, it let me feel like things had never changed, like he still loved me. I talked to Brad about it one night though and he really set me straight, kind of like I knew he would or I never would have told him. Brad's another one I couldn't have lived without when things ended. He was so great about finding me an apartment and making things work financially and listening. I don't know.
All of this was so long ago, I have so much I want to remember but I keep cutting in and out. I just want to get the important things down. I did a lot of thinking during everything that happened. I did a lot of thinking about Michael. And to be perfectly honest, it was the first time I really had. When everything was still fresh with him, I didn't think about it because I didn't want to realize how hard it would be to make it work. When we ended things yet again and I confessed to Jon, I didn't think about Michael because it felt like I had already cheated on him physically, but if I kept fantasizing about him and thinking about him, I was cheating on him emotionally too. Then we moved away, and I was trying so hard to leave Michael in the past, I just pretended it hadn't happened. But I thought long and hard about everything, and I loved him. I loved him so much for the way he made me feel. It's been 5 months since Jon and I broke up, and every day I think about Michael and I regret not giving it a chance. I went back to the casino, hoping maybe I would get a chance to see him. I had so much I wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. That I was sorry for being too afraid to try. That I was sorry for leading him on and pushing him away. That I was sorry for hurting him, not once, but twice. That I really did love him. That I felt all the things that he felt and that it was worth fighting for and giving it a chance. That I never should have stayed with Jon over him, that Jon and I never belonged together and I never should have gotten engaged to him. That Michael and I belonged together, and even though I know I didn't deserve a second chance, wouldn't he please try because I know he still feels everything I feel. I remember seeing him for the first time. I saw his wedding ring. And for the second time, my heart broke. I just held my left hand up, my bare ring finger. I saw everything in his eyes. Shock, questions, regret, the realization that yet again something was between us. I started to walk away, and he just watched me. He stopped dealing and just watched me, and then Trish yelled at him. Trish was there, she knew. She's always there.
And even now I'm torn up inside. What do I do? Do I respect the institution of marriage? No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I know he loves me, he made a promise to her. He swore to love another woman until death do them part. Even if I know it was a mistake and even if I don't think they belong together or that it will last, or that if I asked I know he would leave her, can I really do that? Do I have any right to interfere in their marriage? What if things don't work out with him? What if he leaves her for me, and for some reason, it doesn't work between us. Haven't I hurt him enough? And I have been on the receiving end now. I know what it's like to have some young girl come in and wreck my relationship. Can I willingly do that to another woman?
But if I love him. If I know he loves me. If I know he regrets marrying her and if I know he wouldn't have made those promises to her if he hadn't thought I had already made them to another man, can I walk away? If I tingle when he touches me, if the blue of his eyes stop me in my tracks, if I can still remember how he smells, how soft his hair is, what he feels like inside me, what I feel like inside when I'm around him, can I walk away? I don't know if I can.
Either way, there is no right answer. Someone gets hurt in every situation. Trish gets hurt if he leaves her, and maybe Michael does too if we can't make it work. I get hurt if he stays with her, and Michael does too because he lives with the same questions I do and he's not as happy as he could be. And in a way, doesn't Trish get hurt also? Don't you think it breaks her heart to see the way he looks at me? To know he will never love her like he loved me? I don't know. I've been going back to the casino every so often now. I guess I have a plan, whether it's the right one or not, I don't think I can say. I just want to talk to him. I just want to have a few moments without her hovering around. All I want to tell him is that Jon and I broke up. That I'm sorry I hurt him. I want to ask him if he's happy with her, and if he says yes, then I want to tell him I'm happy for him. And if he says no, then I want to tell him I still love him. That's all. Put the ball in his court and let him figure out what to do. Then I wouldn't be asking him to leave her. But the problem is, if I say that, isn't it basically the same thing? I'm not sure. Part of me hopes that maybe if I back off, they will just break up on their own. But how long will it take? How long can I wait? What if they never do and I wait for something that never happens? There are so many questions about him and so few answers. The thing that scares me most is I worry there never will be answers. I don't know how I can live my life carrying this burden inside me, how can I ever have a healthy relationship in the future when I will always wonder about him?
I am having too many man troubles.
Then I said Brad was really there for me when Jon and I broke up. He really was. We started talking and hanging out again. Then he broke up with Kay. When we were alone, he made me feel like maybe he was interested in me. But when he was with his friends, he acted like he was too good for me and he would never be with someone who wasn't pretty and skinny and perfect. It was hot/cold, hot/cold. I couldn't take it anymore. I was hurting so much as it is and I was going through so many other questions in my life. I finally just told him to leave me alone. That I didn't want to be friends anymore and with the exception of the apartment, I didn't want him to talk to me again. He looked shocked, and a little hurt. But he respected me. He got back together with Kay. He wished me happy birthday when I paid the rent, and I was surprised he had remembered. We stopped talking for awhile altogether, but we've started chatting a little bit when I go in there. I still think he's a nice guy, I would still like to be friends with him, but I don't think he's capable of being a good friend to me anymore. Partially because of how Kay acts when we talk and hang out and partially because of everything that we've been through now. Too many things have happened.
Josh and I stopped talking. I knew it would happen eventually. It's weird because he added me on myspace, so I don't think he's quite angry with me. Maybe frustrated. I'm not sure. I call him every once in awhile, but he doesn't answer. I have so many things I want to tell him. I need to thank him. I want him to know that without him to listen to me at all hours of the night, and to help me when I was hurting that I might not have made it through. He saved me when I needed it, and I am grateful. I want him to know that I am here for him too if he ever needs it. No matter what.
Then Michael from New Zealand and I started talking again. Mya broke up with Josh, Lynn broke up with Michael, Jon broke up with me. God what a crazy mixed up world. Anyways, Michael and I totally caught up on the last 3 years of our lives. I have to be honest, in the beginning it was weird. Three years is a long time to go without talking to someone. Especially the last 3 years of my life. I graduated high school, I graduated college, I got engaged, I had an affair, I moved into my own apartment. I've never had so many major life changings in such a short period of time before. How do you catch up on all that? And things changed for him too. But we did. It took a little while for us to get into our old rhythm, but we did. Better than ever actually. He told me he liked me as more than a friend, and I've realized that I like him as more than a friend. God it's crazy. I'm so hesitant to do the online dating thing because it never works, but here I am caught up in it. I am going down to see him actually. In 11 days if you can believe it. I don't know what to make of it or how to feel. We literally talk on the phone for 8 or 9 horus a night, several nights a week. We never run out of things to talk about. He's funny and sweet and he's smarter than me, which I hate to say it but I love because it challenges me. He's worldly and a grown man. He's sincere. And I love him. But I am terrified. I have never had a problem finding guys to like me. I am smart and funny and flirtatious and fun. I'm not a skinny, but I'm pretty. And guys like me. But the guys that like me see me, they know me, they know what they're getting into. With Michael, I don't know what to expect. I've sent him literally hundreds of pictures trying to scare him away, to prepare him, and he just won't be shaken. I know he still expects this beautiful girl, and he's going to be so heart broken when he gets me, but I don't know what else to do. Plus I'm scared to go. I've never been out of the country or on a major airplane, and now I'm doing all these things by myself. And I'm supposed to go for the whole summer. What if I get there, and he is disappointed? Or what if we don't get along? I'm stuck for the whole summer. What if I love him and I don't want to leave? No good can come of this.
I had a one night stand with a guy named Michael. I need to stop messing with around with guys named Michael.
Friday was my last day of school. I thought about dropping out when Jon and I broke up, but I didn't want to let him have that big of an effect on me. Maybe I should have because I didn't do very well. I skipped a lot of class and work, and I think this will be the first semester I get a C and D. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter. That at least I made it through and things will be okay and in the grand scheme of things, grades don't really matter. But I know when the report card comes out, I will cry.
I won $3000 at the casino right after Jon and I broke up. I know that seems silly, but it was huge. It was the first time I realized I would be okay without him, and the first time I felt happy in a long time. It made me feel good about being a poker player and it was also the first time I saw how much he was holding me back.
I started selling plasma to make extra money for New Zealand. That in itself isn't very important, but I met a really nice guy that works there. His name is Mattm and there's something special about him. We talk a lot and we exchanged phone numbers. He's with someone right now but they are having trouble. Part of me thinks he just wants to be friends, and I'm more than fine with that. But part of me thinks he has a crush on me. I know he's too good for me, but all the signs are there. He looks forward to seeing me, he asked me to write to him while I'm away and if he could write back, he touches me a lot--small things like my hair or my face, my back when he leads me to get my blood drawn. Part of me wonders if wouldn't it be crazy if I had to choose Jon over Michael to move to Duluth, Jon and I had to break up at the moment we did for Michael from New Zealand and I to start talking again, to get close and for me to go to New Zealand so that I would feel the need to whore my bodily fluids and meet Matt. They say things happen for a reason . . . I don't know, I know I'm being silly. But he's a really nice guy and if nothing else, I am more than happy with a new friend.
This is so long and rambly, and still I haven't said it all. I hate myself for waiting so long. But I guess at least I started again. It was nice to clear my head. I have so many things racing around up there. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore or who I'm supposed to be. I should get a new journal: I-am-Lost.
Jon broke up with me. You know, it's almost 5 months after the fact and I still don't know exactly how I feel about it. I have known it was coming for a long time. We have broken up before, and somehow, I have always convinced him to come back--to try again. I don't even know why I convinced him in the first place though because I knew it was over. It was over the day I made love to Michael. I don't even think I tried to convince him to stay because I loved him because I don't think I've loved him for 2 years. We just had such an established life together. We had furniture and a home and pets. He knew me so well. We were never in love, but we worked and I think I was willing to sacrifice that passion for stability. But he wasn't.
I think he was cheating on me. To this day, he swears he never did, but he has always been such a liar you never know whether to believe him or not. He hurt me so much. I went home to Michigan the night he broke up with me. I left on good terms with him, and the only thing I asked him was not to bring that girl into my house, not to have her on my furniture or my bed. He told me he wouldn't, and when I got back, he swears he didn't. But just a few months ago I found her myspace, and she had left a comment to one of her friends saying she'd spent the night with Jon the day I left. It hurt to read that. It breaks my heart to know that every night I lay down to sleep in a bed that Jon slept with another girl in. I try not to think about it. I try to remind myself I did the same thing to him, but he just never knew. Part of me wants to tell him. I want to tell him the sorted details of my affair, how very much I loved Michael, how many times we actually were together. But I never did, and I never will. Partly because I know I would just be doing it to be vindictive, and partly because Michael was worth more to me than that. I wasn't with him out of spite or desperation or loneliness, or any of the reasons I think a lot of people have affairs. I was with him because I truly loved him and it would just belittle it to use that as a weapon against Jon. Michael deserves better than that. But I'm digressing.
Things got worse and worse with Jon. We talked a couple of times on the phone, and it turned to arguing and fighting. In the end, he threatened to change the locks and keep all of my stuff because we had changed the lease already and he could have legally done it. I went home the second we hung up which happened to be the night of the worst blizzard in history and of course I went into the ditch. Jon has AAA and I could have gotten towed for free, but he wouldn't even do that for me. I ended up calling 911, and I had to have the police and a wrecker come. The cop gave me a $198 ticket for driving "left of center". It was just the last thing I needed in my life. To top it off, when I got back to the apartment, Jon had a huge hickey on his neck. My God, even writing about it now, I don't know how I made it through. There were so many nights I thought about suicide, and on top of that, I started cutting. Worse than I had been when I was with Jon. I still do from time to time, but not so much. Mostly because of the scars. It's not that I even care about the scars but it's embarassing when other people see them. People are always judging you.
I guess one of the good things that came out of all of this is I realized how great my family is and how much I love them. I spent a lot of hours on the phone with my grandma, my aunts, and my uncle. Everyone pulled through. Especially Kevin. He's not even my real uncle, just my uncle through marriage, but he came through more than anyone. He had his friend get a U-Haul, and the two of them came over one day when Jon was working and we took everything. All the furniture, all my stuff. Just everything that belonged to me. The apartment was bare. It literally looked like when we first moved in. Then my uncle left, and I was packing up the last of my clothes. Jon wasn't supposed to be home until 7pm, but he came home 2 hours early. I think that's when things reached the climax. When he came in and realized for the first time how much it was going to cost him to break up with me, he just sort of flipped out. I don't think he ever thought about how much I had contributed to the relationship until it was time to split up the belongings. He just started being such a jackass about it and he was screaming at me and saying such mean things. Finally, he ran outside for something and I locked him out. I told him to come back at 7pm and let me move in peace and I'd be gone. I called my mom and was crying on the phone, telling her how I couldn't believe it had come down to this when Jon broke a window and climbed into the apartment. Up until that point, I had felt depression, bargaining, denial--but that was the first time I felt anger. I just dropped the phone and flew at him in a rage. We started screaming at each other and swearing, and soon it got physical. My mom must have called Kevin because he broke the door open right when we were hitting each other. I've never been so relieved to see someone. We got the last of my things and we left.
The first couple nights in my new apartment were so weird. My family came up the very first weekend and unpacked me since prior to that I just sort of sat there. I had no will to live, no desire to move on. Plus on top of it, Jon and I were still sleeping together which is the weird thing. We made up after the fight because we didn't want things to end like that. Then when I would feel the most alone or the most upset, I would go there and we would have sex. I know he was just using me, but it was okay because for half an hour, it let me feel like things had never changed, like he still loved me. I talked to Brad about it one night though and he really set me straight, kind of like I knew he would or I never would have told him. Brad's another one I couldn't have lived without when things ended. He was so great about finding me an apartment and making things work financially and listening. I don't know.
All of this was so long ago, I have so much I want to remember but I keep cutting in and out. I just want to get the important things down. I did a lot of thinking during everything that happened. I did a lot of thinking about Michael. And to be perfectly honest, it was the first time I really had. When everything was still fresh with him, I didn't think about it because I didn't want to realize how hard it would be to make it work. When we ended things yet again and I confessed to Jon, I didn't think about Michael because it felt like I had already cheated on him physically, but if I kept fantasizing about him and thinking about him, I was cheating on him emotionally too. Then we moved away, and I was trying so hard to leave Michael in the past, I just pretended it hadn't happened. But I thought long and hard about everything, and I loved him. I loved him so much for the way he made me feel. It's been 5 months since Jon and I broke up, and every day I think about Michael and I regret not giving it a chance. I went back to the casino, hoping maybe I would get a chance to see him. I had so much I wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. That I was sorry for being too afraid to try. That I was sorry for leading him on and pushing him away. That I was sorry for hurting him, not once, but twice. That I really did love him. That I felt all the things that he felt and that it was worth fighting for and giving it a chance. That I never should have stayed with Jon over him, that Jon and I never belonged together and I never should have gotten engaged to him. That Michael and I belonged together, and even though I know I didn't deserve a second chance, wouldn't he please try because I know he still feels everything I feel. I remember seeing him for the first time. I saw his wedding ring. And for the second time, my heart broke. I just held my left hand up, my bare ring finger. I saw everything in his eyes. Shock, questions, regret, the realization that yet again something was between us. I started to walk away, and he just watched me. He stopped dealing and just watched me, and then Trish yelled at him. Trish was there, she knew. She's always there.
And even now I'm torn up inside. What do I do? Do I respect the institution of marriage? No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I know he loves me, he made a promise to her. He swore to love another woman until death do them part. Even if I know it was a mistake and even if I don't think they belong together or that it will last, or that if I asked I know he would leave her, can I really do that? Do I have any right to interfere in their marriage? What if things don't work out with him? What if he leaves her for me, and for some reason, it doesn't work between us. Haven't I hurt him enough? And I have been on the receiving end now. I know what it's like to have some young girl come in and wreck my relationship. Can I willingly do that to another woman?
But if I love him. If I know he loves me. If I know he regrets marrying her and if I know he wouldn't have made those promises to her if he hadn't thought I had already made them to another man, can I walk away? If I tingle when he touches me, if the blue of his eyes stop me in my tracks, if I can still remember how he smells, how soft his hair is, what he feels like inside me, what I feel like inside when I'm around him, can I walk away? I don't know if I can.
Either way, there is no right answer. Someone gets hurt in every situation. Trish gets hurt if he leaves her, and maybe Michael does too if we can't make it work. I get hurt if he stays with her, and Michael does too because he lives with the same questions I do and he's not as happy as he could be. And in a way, doesn't Trish get hurt also? Don't you think it breaks her heart to see the way he looks at me? To know he will never love her like he loved me? I don't know. I've been going back to the casino every so often now. I guess I have a plan, whether it's the right one or not, I don't think I can say. I just want to talk to him. I just want to have a few moments without her hovering around. All I want to tell him is that Jon and I broke up. That I'm sorry I hurt him. I want to ask him if he's happy with her, and if he says yes, then I want to tell him I'm happy for him. And if he says no, then I want to tell him I still love him. That's all. Put the ball in his court and let him figure out what to do. Then I wouldn't be asking him to leave her. But the problem is, if I say that, isn't it basically the same thing? I'm not sure. Part of me hopes that maybe if I back off, they will just break up on their own. But how long will it take? How long can I wait? What if they never do and I wait for something that never happens? There are so many questions about him and so few answers. The thing that scares me most is I worry there never will be answers. I don't know how I can live my life carrying this burden inside me, how can I ever have a healthy relationship in the future when I will always wonder about him?
I am having too many man troubles.
Then I said Brad was really there for me when Jon and I broke up. He really was. We started talking and hanging out again. Then he broke up with Kay. When we were alone, he made me feel like maybe he was interested in me. But when he was with his friends, he acted like he was too good for me and he would never be with someone who wasn't pretty and skinny and perfect. It was hot/cold, hot/cold. I couldn't take it anymore. I was hurting so much as it is and I was going through so many other questions in my life. I finally just told him to leave me alone. That I didn't want to be friends anymore and with the exception of the apartment, I didn't want him to talk to me again. He looked shocked, and a little hurt. But he respected me. He got back together with Kay. He wished me happy birthday when I paid the rent, and I was surprised he had remembered. We stopped talking for awhile altogether, but we've started chatting a little bit when I go in there. I still think he's a nice guy, I would still like to be friends with him, but I don't think he's capable of being a good friend to me anymore. Partially because of how Kay acts when we talk and hang out and partially because of everything that we've been through now. Too many things have happened.
Josh and I stopped talking. I knew it would happen eventually. It's weird because he added me on myspace, so I don't think he's quite angry with me. Maybe frustrated. I'm not sure. I call him every once in awhile, but he doesn't answer. I have so many things I want to tell him. I need to thank him. I want him to know that without him to listen to me at all hours of the night, and to help me when I was hurting that I might not have made it through. He saved me when I needed it, and I am grateful. I want him to know that I am here for him too if he ever needs it. No matter what.
Then Michael from New Zealand and I started talking again. Mya broke up with Josh, Lynn broke up with Michael, Jon broke up with me. God what a crazy mixed up world. Anyways, Michael and I totally caught up on the last 3 years of our lives. I have to be honest, in the beginning it was weird. Three years is a long time to go without talking to someone. Especially the last 3 years of my life. I graduated high school, I graduated college, I got engaged, I had an affair, I moved into my own apartment. I've never had so many major life changings in such a short period of time before. How do you catch up on all that? And things changed for him too. But we did. It took a little while for us to get into our old rhythm, but we did. Better than ever actually. He told me he liked me as more than a friend, and I've realized that I like him as more than a friend. God it's crazy. I'm so hesitant to do the online dating thing because it never works, but here I am caught up in it. I am going down to see him actually. In 11 days if you can believe it. I don't know what to make of it or how to feel. We literally talk on the phone for 8 or 9 horus a night, several nights a week. We never run out of things to talk about. He's funny and sweet and he's smarter than me, which I hate to say it but I love because it challenges me. He's worldly and a grown man. He's sincere. And I love him. But I am terrified. I have never had a problem finding guys to like me. I am smart and funny and flirtatious and fun. I'm not a skinny, but I'm pretty. And guys like me. But the guys that like me see me, they know me, they know what they're getting into. With Michael, I don't know what to expect. I've sent him literally hundreds of pictures trying to scare him away, to prepare him, and he just won't be shaken. I know he still expects this beautiful girl, and he's going to be so heart broken when he gets me, but I don't know what else to do. Plus I'm scared to go. I've never been out of the country or on a major airplane, and now I'm doing all these things by myself. And I'm supposed to go for the whole summer. What if I get there, and he is disappointed? Or what if we don't get along? I'm stuck for the whole summer. What if I love him and I don't want to leave? No good can come of this.
I had a one night stand with a guy named Michael. I need to stop messing with around with guys named Michael.
Friday was my last day of school. I thought about dropping out when Jon and I broke up, but I didn't want to let him have that big of an effect on me. Maybe I should have because I didn't do very well. I skipped a lot of class and work, and I think this will be the first semester I get a C and D. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter. That at least I made it through and things will be okay and in the grand scheme of things, grades don't really matter. But I know when the report card comes out, I will cry.
I won $3000 at the casino right after Jon and I broke up. I know that seems silly, but it was huge. It was the first time I realized I would be okay without him, and the first time I felt happy in a long time. It made me feel good about being a poker player and it was also the first time I saw how much he was holding me back.
I started selling plasma to make extra money for New Zealand. That in itself isn't very important, but I met a really nice guy that works there. His name is Mattm and there's something special about him. We talk a lot and we exchanged phone numbers. He's with someone right now but they are having trouble. Part of me thinks he just wants to be friends, and I'm more than fine with that. But part of me thinks he has a crush on me. I know he's too good for me, but all the signs are there. He looks forward to seeing me, he asked me to write to him while I'm away and if he could write back, he touches me a lot--small things like my hair or my face, my back when he leads me to get my blood drawn. Part of me wonders if wouldn't it be crazy if I had to choose Jon over Michael to move to Duluth, Jon and I had to break up at the moment we did for Michael from New Zealand and I to start talking again, to get close and for me to go to New Zealand so that I would feel the need to whore my bodily fluids and meet Matt. They say things happen for a reason . . . I don't know, I know I'm being silly. But he's a really nice guy and if nothing else, I am more than happy with a new friend.
This is so long and rambly, and still I haven't said it all. I hate myself for waiting so long. But I guess at least I started again. It was nice to clear my head. I have so many things racing around up there. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore or who I'm supposed to be. I should get a new journal: I-am-Lost.