complete me - mistreat me.
Because I am self-punishing and weird, I have gone back and read some of my entries from last year. What made me do all that shit to myself? I feel like I lost so much time just sitting around, waiting for someone to love me. I've been thinking about it. A lot. I basically spent the last almost two years ramming my head into the wall, hoping that someone would grab me and tell me to stop. And all I got were more reasons to keep going.
I'm honestly proud of the choice I made. I don't like the way everything went down, and I certainly am not proud of the finer points of things, as it pretty much sucked. But I made a choice for me. I couldn't keep hurting myself. And that was the first time I made a conscious decision in that direction. Usually, I'm all like 'bring the pain!" on myself, but I couldn't do it anymore.
I'm happy now. Like, a real happy. Not last year, when 'happy' was basically a compromise and a thin lie over feeling really upset and not wanting to admit it.
I feel like such an ass because all last year I posted about 'real love' and blahblahBLAH, and I feel like a tool posting about it now, but this is pretty legit. Because for the first time, it feels like unadulterated, uncrazy, real love. None of that 'maybe he loves me but is too hurt to say it' and none of that 'he loves me he just doesn't know how to show it sometimes'. For the first time, I have a healthy, functioning, mostly sane relationship. We had nothing to gain from lying to each other or hiding anything anymore. And I was sick of doing that and eventually ruining my relationships. It was crazy slam bang what the fuck and now everything is okay. It feels fantastic.
For the first time, I don't feel scared. Every single one of my past relationships was more fear and doubt and insecurity than love. And yes, I still get some of that every once in awhile. Who doesn't? But now I don't stay that way. There's love here underneath all the stupid bullshit. Its secure.
Sorry. Me are rant. But my computer is back up and running and I felt the need for longpost. :) Muchos besos if you read this. <3
I'm honestly proud of the choice I made. I don't like the way everything went down, and I certainly am not proud of the finer points of things, as it pretty much sucked. But I made a choice for me. I couldn't keep hurting myself. And that was the first time I made a conscious decision in that direction. Usually, I'm all like 'bring the pain!" on myself, but I couldn't do it anymore.
I'm happy now. Like, a real happy. Not last year, when 'happy' was basically a compromise and a thin lie over feeling really upset and not wanting to admit it.
I feel like such an ass because all last year I posted about 'real love' and blahblahBLAH, and I feel like a tool posting about it now, but this is pretty legit. Because for the first time, it feels like unadulterated, uncrazy, real love. None of that 'maybe he loves me but is too hurt to say it' and none of that 'he loves me he just doesn't know how to show it sometimes'. For the first time, I have a healthy, functioning, mostly sane relationship. We had nothing to gain from lying to each other or hiding anything anymore. And I was sick of doing that and eventually ruining my relationships. It was crazy slam bang what the fuck and now everything is okay. It feels fantastic.
For the first time, I don't feel scared. Every single one of my past relationships was more fear and doubt and insecurity than love. And yes, I still get some of that every once in awhile. Who doesn't? But now I don't stay that way. There's love here underneath all the stupid bullshit. Its secure.
Sorry. Me are rant. But my computer is back up and running and I felt the need for longpost. :) Muchos besos if you read this. <3