(no subject)
I feel betrayed. Flat out, knife between the ribs.
There is a wheel in the sky, and it does turn. Karma being what it is, I got slapped today.
Brian may not be coming back from hartford. I'm almost confident enough in that statement to remove the may. He was my only ally in this struggle that is living at 547, and now he's gone. I felt like he understood those feelings. The ones that tell you to run away, and start over. To try life from a different angle, and live more fully. The feelings I still get. I suppose I just never expected him to act on them.
Gabes leaving too. He's off to visit his father in California, and won't be back for a month. or two. or ever. I'm not even sure how to take that.
I knew, in the back of my head, that people leave this town in droves. I suppose I just felt like my wanderlust was confined to me. Turns out everyone else got to act on it first.
That leaves me here, living in this house with only Iggy and Joe. I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can call iggy a friend. I don't think he considers me one. He sees me as a tenant, someone who owes him money, and nothing redeemable. I do owe iggy money, and I would like to pay him back, but I barely make enough to live on as is. I don't know how I'm going to pay anyone back.
And sometimes, when I think about leaving, I realize how cowardly that is. To just turn face and run from all my friends I have here. But I also think about how difficult it is to stay here.
Brian summed it up to me best when he said "I washed away my sins enough to get out of purgatory, i think you should consider that as well."
I never saw it happening this way. I never imagined us all walking away in seperate direction, ala the end of the sandlot. but it is, and my choice now is to live with it or move on.
I'm returning to california in august. I think it's time to start laying down roots. I'm going to look for a job while I'm there, and check apartment prices and room-mate status. If things go well in that regard, then I'll only be returning to gather my things and say good bye.
By the way, if you haven't guessed already, this is my new thing. add it at will.
There is a wheel in the sky, and it does turn. Karma being what it is, I got slapped today.
Brian may not be coming back from hartford. I'm almost confident enough in that statement to remove the may. He was my only ally in this struggle that is living at 547, and now he's gone. I felt like he understood those feelings. The ones that tell you to run away, and start over. To try life from a different angle, and live more fully. The feelings I still get. I suppose I just never expected him to act on them.
Gabes leaving too. He's off to visit his father in California, and won't be back for a month. or two. or ever. I'm not even sure how to take that.
I knew, in the back of my head, that people leave this town in droves. I suppose I just felt like my wanderlust was confined to me. Turns out everyone else got to act on it first.
That leaves me here, living in this house with only Iggy and Joe. I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can call iggy a friend. I don't think he considers me one. He sees me as a tenant, someone who owes him money, and nothing redeemable. I do owe iggy money, and I would like to pay him back, but I barely make enough to live on as is. I don't know how I'm going to pay anyone back.
And sometimes, when I think about leaving, I realize how cowardly that is. To just turn face and run from all my friends I have here. But I also think about how difficult it is to stay here.
Brian summed it up to me best when he said "I washed away my sins enough to get out of purgatory, i think you should consider that as well."
I never saw it happening this way. I never imagined us all walking away in seperate direction, ala the end of the sandlot. but it is, and my choice now is to live with it or move on.
I'm returning to california in august. I think it's time to start laying down roots. I'm going to look for a job while I'm there, and check apartment prices and room-mate status. If things go well in that regard, then I'll only be returning to gather my things and say good bye.
By the way, if you haven't guessed already, this is my new thing. add it at will.