Harvest Moon
So, here I am again. This time I have something to show y'all. This is a script written by Julie Constantine and I last night for the little Chill'uns to perform at drama camp. Enjoy!
Harvest Moon
A play in one act by Julie Constantine and Mario Di Nicola
Presented by the Plymouth Uptown Players
Dramatis Personae:
Three astronauts named… Also some robots… And a few aliens…
Daniel Atch Eg
Rupert Outch Mima
Emma Itch Theb
Etch Oj
[Open: Astronauts setting up equipment… Banter.]
Daniel: Wow, can you believe it? We’re finally here on the moon!
Rupert: Yeah, I know. After so many years of hard work and we can finally begin our tests.
Emma: Okay! All done setting up the equipment. Now what?
Daniel & Rupert: We wait.
Emma: How about we play golf or something?
[Rupert and Daniel begin to respond, but stop upon hearing a strange metallic noise. Voices from offstage are heard.]
Atch: Outch! Life forms detected!
Outch: Presence confirmed, Atch. Scanning for intelligence.
Itch: Designation: Human. Intelligence: Minor. Threat: Small.
Etch: Should we make ourselves known?
Atch: Affirmative.
[The robots approach the astronauts confidently. Astronauts start in surprise.]
Daniel: Woah! What in the world?
Rupert: Moon.
Daniel: Oh, Yeah.
Emma: Who are you?
Itch: I see you are the intelligent one. We are Atch, Etch, Itch and Outch. Why have you crossed our path, primates?
Rupert: We are Emma, Daniel and Rupert. We are here because our people asked us to do some research. Why are you here?
Outch: We have need. That is all.
Emma: What sort of…
Etch: Alternate lifeforms detected!
Daniel: What?
Etch: It would seem our language interpretation software is not fully functional, Outch.
Rupert: Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Outch: Outch is my name. Do not be alarmed. Scan for intelligence, Itch.
Emma [to astronauts]: Did you think robots would itch?
[Aliens approach. They face the robots and are annoyed to see them, but do not acknowledge the astronauts.]
Eg: Outch.
Outch: Eg.
Mima: Etch.
Etch: Mima.
Theb: Itch.
Itch: Theb.
Oj: Atch.
Atch: Oj. There is no need for you to state your purpose here. We have asked you on every other moon in this system and the answer has not changed.
Eg: And after 166 moons, haven’t you learned our need is greater than your own?
Itch: We concede your need is great, but remain unsympathetic.
Mima: Oh, have a heart! I’d give you one of mine if it weren’t starved.
Outch: We have no need for your flimsy meat parts.
Theb: This is stupid.
Oj: I agree, let’s get to work.
[The aliens begin pulling out what look like weapons. The astronauts finally find their voices and move between the robots and aliens.]
Astronauts: WAIT! STOP! HOLD ON!
Emma: You can’t do this! Our moon is peaceful!
Rupert: Put away the weapons!
Daniel: And please, won’t someone tell us WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Etch: Is the software broken again? He said weapons, but scans are negative.
Theb: These aren’t weapons.
Emma: Not weapons? Than what are they?
Oj: Harvesting equipment.
Rupert: Harvesting equipment? But Earth’s moon is barren! There’s nothing here to harvest except the….
Aliens and robots together: The moon itself.
[The astronauts are in complete shock.]
Daniel: So wait a minute….you’re aliens…and you’re robots….and you want our MOON?
Emma: How does that help your…needs?
Atch: Your moon is made of cheese.
Rupert: Yes, we know. It was a big day in the scientific community when we figured that out.
Daniel: We’re here to test what variety it is really.
Emma: My money’s on gouda. But what do you need cheese for?
Itch: Simple. Our kind ran out of fossil fuels so we have converted to a dairy based method of energy use.
Daniel: You run on cheese?
Rupert: I have a cousin like that.
Emma [to aliens]: But what about you?
Eg: As annoying as we find these robots, we are the same.
Mima: Our numbers grew large.
Theb: We need sustenance.
Oj: We’re here to collect.
Emma: But why here? The galaxy is full of other resources!
Theb: True. But we have mice-like brains.
Rupert [visibly upset]: But you can’t take our moon! Earth needs it!
Daniel: That’s right! The moon controls the tides and keeps the ecosystems in balance!
Emma: It provides light at night for people lost in the dark!
Rupert: It’s mythic and beautiful and ours! What if there’s starvation on Earth some day?
Daniel: The moon could feed billions for generations, as long as they like macaroni and cheese…
Emma: Or quesadillas, or cheese puffs…
Rupert: Assuming they aren’t allergic to dairy.
Mima: You speak well, but are not well-informed.
Oj: Didn’t the robots claim Earth people were intelligent?
Outch: We seem to be experiencing small levels of equipment malfunction.
Daniel [confused]: Don’t do this again! Explain to us!
Itch: Primate, have you never wondered why the moon changes shape in the sky?
Emma: We’ve never wondered, we know, it’s movement and shadows, a trick of the eye.
Eg: You have tricked yourselves!
Theb: The moon changes size every day.
Oj: We make it so.
Rupert: But how?
Atch: Lunar dairy is self-replenishing. This is why our people chose it as a fuel source.
Emma: You mean it grows back? You take cheese from our moon, and just let it grow back every month?
Mima: Almost all of it.
Eg: Every month.
Oj: For generations.
Daniel: What fantastic technology!
Itch: We are the same. We harvest this moon in small portions regularly, as well as the rest of the moons in System Sol.
Rupert: Well, as long as it grows back all the time, I guess that isn’t a problem.
Emma: We’ll have to tell our countries about you though.
Daniel: Our scientists will probably love this new kind of fuel!
Atch: As long as they don’t impede our progress.
Robots: Our need is great.
Aliens: And ours!
Emma: We’ll do our best to make them understand!
Rupert [slyly]: But that just leaves one question…
Robots and aliens: Yes?
Astronauts: So what kind of cheese IS the moon made out of?
End.
and there you go. Aliens like cheese, Robots use cheese as a renewable energy source, and humans still know nothing about our universe.
Harvest Moon
A play in one act by Julie Constantine and Mario Di Nicola
Presented by the Plymouth Uptown Players
Dramatis Personae:
Three astronauts named… Also some robots… And a few aliens…
Daniel Atch Eg
Rupert Outch Mima
Emma Itch Theb
Etch Oj
[Open: Astronauts setting up equipment… Banter.]
Daniel: Wow, can you believe it? We’re finally here on the moon!
Rupert: Yeah, I know. After so many years of hard work and we can finally begin our tests.
Emma: Okay! All done setting up the equipment. Now what?
Daniel & Rupert: We wait.
Emma: How about we play golf or something?
[Rupert and Daniel begin to respond, but stop upon hearing a strange metallic noise. Voices from offstage are heard.]
Atch: Outch! Life forms detected!
Outch: Presence confirmed, Atch. Scanning for intelligence.
Itch: Designation: Human. Intelligence: Minor. Threat: Small.
Etch: Should we make ourselves known?
Atch: Affirmative.
[The robots approach the astronauts confidently. Astronauts start in surprise.]
Daniel: Woah! What in the world?
Rupert: Moon.
Daniel: Oh, Yeah.
Emma: Who are you?
Itch: I see you are the intelligent one. We are Atch, Etch, Itch and Outch. Why have you crossed our path, primates?
Rupert: We are Emma, Daniel and Rupert. We are here because our people asked us to do some research. Why are you here?
Outch: We have need. That is all.
Emma: What sort of…
Etch: Alternate lifeforms detected!
Daniel: What?
Etch: It would seem our language interpretation software is not fully functional, Outch.
Rupert: Oh, did you hurt yourself?
Outch: Outch is my name. Do not be alarmed. Scan for intelligence, Itch.
Emma [to astronauts]: Did you think robots would itch?
[Aliens approach. They face the robots and are annoyed to see them, but do not acknowledge the astronauts.]
Eg: Outch.
Outch: Eg.
Mima: Etch.
Etch: Mima.
Theb: Itch.
Itch: Theb.
Oj: Atch.
Atch: Oj. There is no need for you to state your purpose here. We have asked you on every other moon in this system and the answer has not changed.
Eg: And after 166 moons, haven’t you learned our need is greater than your own?
Itch: We concede your need is great, but remain unsympathetic.
Mima: Oh, have a heart! I’d give you one of mine if it weren’t starved.
Outch: We have no need for your flimsy meat parts.
Theb: This is stupid.
Oj: I agree, let’s get to work.
[The aliens begin pulling out what look like weapons. The astronauts finally find their voices and move between the robots and aliens.]
Astronauts: WAIT! STOP! HOLD ON!
Emma: You can’t do this! Our moon is peaceful!
Rupert: Put away the weapons!
Daniel: And please, won’t someone tell us WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Etch: Is the software broken again? He said weapons, but scans are negative.
Theb: These aren’t weapons.
Emma: Not weapons? Than what are they?
Oj: Harvesting equipment.
Rupert: Harvesting equipment? But Earth’s moon is barren! There’s nothing here to harvest except the….
Aliens and robots together: The moon itself.
[The astronauts are in complete shock.]
Daniel: So wait a minute….you’re aliens…and you’re robots….and you want our MOON?
Emma: How does that help your…needs?
Atch: Your moon is made of cheese.
Rupert: Yes, we know. It was a big day in the scientific community when we figured that out.
Daniel: We’re here to test what variety it is really.
Emma: My money’s on gouda. But what do you need cheese for?
Itch: Simple. Our kind ran out of fossil fuels so we have converted to a dairy based method of energy use.
Daniel: You run on cheese?
Rupert: I have a cousin like that.
Emma [to aliens]: But what about you?
Eg: As annoying as we find these robots, we are the same.
Mima: Our numbers grew large.
Theb: We need sustenance.
Oj: We’re here to collect.
Emma: But why here? The galaxy is full of other resources!
Theb: True. But we have mice-like brains.
Rupert [visibly upset]: But you can’t take our moon! Earth needs it!
Daniel: That’s right! The moon controls the tides and keeps the ecosystems in balance!
Emma: It provides light at night for people lost in the dark!
Rupert: It’s mythic and beautiful and ours! What if there’s starvation on Earth some day?
Daniel: The moon could feed billions for generations, as long as they like macaroni and cheese…
Emma: Or quesadillas, or cheese puffs…
Rupert: Assuming they aren’t allergic to dairy.
Mima: You speak well, but are not well-informed.
Oj: Didn’t the robots claim Earth people were intelligent?
Outch: We seem to be experiencing small levels of equipment malfunction.
Daniel [confused]: Don’t do this again! Explain to us!
Itch: Primate, have you never wondered why the moon changes shape in the sky?
Emma: We’ve never wondered, we know, it’s movement and shadows, a trick of the eye.
Eg: You have tricked yourselves!
Theb: The moon changes size every day.
Oj: We make it so.
Rupert: But how?
Atch: Lunar dairy is self-replenishing. This is why our people chose it as a fuel source.
Emma: You mean it grows back? You take cheese from our moon, and just let it grow back every month?
Mima: Almost all of it.
Eg: Every month.
Oj: For generations.
Daniel: What fantastic technology!
Itch: We are the same. We harvest this moon in small portions regularly, as well as the rest of the moons in System Sol.
Rupert: Well, as long as it grows back all the time, I guess that isn’t a problem.
Emma: We’ll have to tell our countries about you though.
Daniel: Our scientists will probably love this new kind of fuel!
Atch: As long as they don’t impede our progress.
Robots: Our need is great.
Aliens: And ours!
Emma: We’ll do our best to make them understand!
Rupert [slyly]: But that just leaves one question…
Robots and aliens: Yes?
Astronauts: So what kind of cheese IS the moon made out of?
End.
and there you go. Aliens like cheese, Robots use cheese as a renewable energy source, and humans still know nothing about our universe.