What is so important to you that without it, life would not be worth living?
I lived without Steerpike for the first fifteen years of my life, although I fully admit that life was extremely boring and not at all exciting. I also lived without my brother Titus for that time, and often my parents would leave me with Nanny Slagg so long, it seemed as if I didn't have them. So clearly, it's not any particular person that would make living impossible.
Another writer in this journal mentioned books as a reason for living, and I do adore my books and stories a great deal. But if I didn't have mine, I could make up stories and poems on my own, I think. So that's not a good enough reason.
Gormenghast itself...there have been times when I wished it away, particularly out of solidarity for Titus while he was being punished for running off. I mean, I hardly know what existence would be like without the Stones. Even after I died and came back mysteriously, I could still look down from the mountaintop and see the castle. But...if I didn't have it, I expect I'd find other places to have adventures. So that's not the answer either.
Fuchsia set down her pen for a moment and pondered. She glanced out through the window, where it was beginning to rain, and this jogged her memory a bit. She frowned, and took up her pen once more.
It is true, though, that towards the end of my first life, I seriously contemplated making an end of myself. And so perhaps it is in that, that my answer is. I wanted to die because...
She paused once more. It was really quite hard to put her finger on specifics; she remembered most the terrible, hopeless sensation. Ah! That was it!
I wanted to die because I had no hope. I had no love, because the only person who had ever seemed to be attracted to me had shown me that his affections were all a sham. My mother didn't love me, she only cared about Titus. My father was long dead. Nanny Slagg, who had been more mother to me than my own mother, was dead. My aunts were dead. Mr. Flay was dead. Everyone, it seemed was dead or going to die, in the rising flood waters! Everything was cold and wet and grey and uncomfortable. And there was nothing to be done about it, and it seemed like the sun would never return, and I'd never, ever be happy again. There was no hope, no hope in the world, and I wanted it all to end, all to go away.
(Cross-posted to theatrical_muse)
Another writer in this journal mentioned books as a reason for living, and I do adore my books and stories a great deal. But if I didn't have mine, I could make up stories and poems on my own, I think. So that's not a good enough reason.
Gormenghast itself...there have been times when I wished it away, particularly out of solidarity for Titus while he was being punished for running off. I mean, I hardly know what existence would be like without the Stones. Even after I died and came back mysteriously, I could still look down from the mountaintop and see the castle. But...if I didn't have it, I expect I'd find other places to have adventures. So that's not the answer either.
Fuchsia set down her pen for a moment and pondered. She glanced out through the window, where it was beginning to rain, and this jogged her memory a bit. She frowned, and took up her pen once more.
It is true, though, that towards the end of my first life, I seriously contemplated making an end of myself. And so perhaps it is in that, that my answer is. I wanted to die because...
She paused once more. It was really quite hard to put her finger on specifics; she remembered most the terrible, hopeless sensation. Ah! That was it!
I wanted to die because I had no hope. I had no love, because the only person who had ever seemed to be attracted to me had shown me that his affections were all a sham. My mother didn't love me, she only cared about Titus. My father was long dead. Nanny Slagg, who had been more mother to me than my own mother, was dead. My aunts were dead. Mr. Flay was dead. Everyone, it seemed was dead or going to die, in the rising flood waters! Everything was cold and wet and grey and uncomfortable. And there was nothing to be done about it, and it seemed like the sun would never return, and I'd never, ever be happy again. There was no hope, no hope in the world, and I wanted it all to end, all to go away.
(Cross-posted to theatrical_muse)