ladies and gentlemen!
Mr Jarrod Moore has been an asshole, we all know this! but why? what the hell's goin on in that ol' noggin of his? well, i got the chance to have a sit down for a little one-on-one Q&A with the bastard:
Me: hey man, thanks for comin!
J: well, i'm missing some shit for this, so it'd better be good, homey.
Me: alrighty, so how's school?
J: pretty good, i think i have 3 a's and a b, but i feel pretty old being a freshman at 23.
Me: what classes are you taking?
J: umm..that question's kind of boring, are you gonna waste my time? I'M IMPORTANT!!
Me: ok sorry, here's a good one: what, if anything, have you learned over the last 12 months?
J: (thinks)..No matter how hard you try, you cannot and will not eat an entire summer sausage before it goes bad.
Me: ...is that it?
J: umm, never date someone just for the sake of dating someone, especially if it's someone you work with who is short, blonde, and named crystal...chances are she'll turn out to be an idiot, she may cheat on you with someone you work with, and you may be stuck having to see her every day until you finally get the balls to quit your shitty job..and also, if you DO meet someone you really like a lot, don't keep doing stupid things that will fuck it up just because you feel like being a butthole and crying for attention..i also had a revellation: i want to own an otter.
Me: you should let that crystal thing go..and i assume the latter statement was about caitlin..and also, otters are definitely cute.
J: yeah, well, i perpetuate stupid things, especially when i know i'm right, and sometimes just because i can be retarded as well. and fuck yeah. they're god damned adorable.
Me: so let's get to the meat and potatoes! how did you meet caitlin?
J: through a medium that will remain unidentified for the sake of protecting our nerdiness!
Me: oh, you mean the internet?
J: yeah.
Me: i see! what was your first thought when you met her in person?
J: "daisy's mom has got it goin' on!"
Me: she certainly does. so what happened?
J: well i have this kick ass affliction; every time i really like someone, and realize that she likes me as well, i get terrified and do something shitty to mess everything up, she normally winds up hating me, and that makes it easier for both of us to let it go..i don't really know why i do it but it's happened quite a few times, and my friends always make fun of me for it..
Me: so what do you do when things aren't going so well for ya?
J: one of two things: i get really mad and act like an FAE victim (learned that in sociology today), often writing or talking with large words in run-on sentences utilizing plenty of expletives, or try to use humor as a means to get through it, like laughing at the situation and making fun of whoever is responsible for it, whether it be me (as in this situation) or someone else (as in the situation where i got mugged, which i will write about after this...stay tuned!)..i prefer to do the latter of those, but sometimes i act way too quickly.
Me: man, you sound like a jackass!
J: hey damnit! that was all heartfelt and sincere and shit..i didn't come down here to be berated and insulted!
Me: yo, yo, we're all friends here buddy! but how do you rate what you did to her among the dumbest things you've ever done?
J: (thinks for a second) hmmm...i'd have to put it right below the time when i was 12, i sprayed a bunch of lysol into a fish bowl, to throw a match in and make a fireball, only without realizing that i should not look directly over the bowl while lighting it, which resulted in my eyelids being stuck closed for a little while because my eyelashes melted together when i closed my eyes (because fire was coming at my face), and my eyebrows were singed. i smelled like burnt hair for days. i would say what i did to caitlin was dumber than that, but, come on, what could possibly be dumber than setting your face on fire?
Me: Dumbass. well, why did you remove her from your myspace list?
J: in a childish hissie-fit, but i left her off of it in order to help us stay out of each others' lives for a bit. nothing in spite.
Me: why'd you remove her friends from your myspace?
J: ummm cause they probably don't like me too much right now...
Me: probably not! so you say you're staying away "for a bit." how long is that?
J: until i finally stop drinking so much.
Me: how's that process going, and what does the drinking have to do with this situation?
J: pretty well, i no longer start drinking in the afternoon, and am having more and more days without drinking at all. every time i have freaked out on her was after i had been drinking. damn i'm like a redneck now huh? i should go burn some garbage in a barrel!
Me: so if you could talk to her right now, what would you say?
J: i'd probably get kicked in the balls before i'd have a chance to say anything!
Me: have you ever been kicked in the balls?
J: once, in third grade.
Me: did it hurt?
J: ..like 8 bitches in a bitch-boat.
Me: that sucks dude, i'm sorry.
J: thanks, my balls are ok now though.
Me: so, are you just playing games by constantly hurting her by saying irrational and insulting things to her and then apologizing, thinking that makes it all better, or what?
J: nope, and if you're referring to that e-mail..there was one definite bit of truth in there, when taken out of the context of the letter and transferred into present-tense.
Me: and what is that?
J: your mom, fool!
Me: ..so you're not gonna tell me?
J: nope!
Me: so, about that letter, and how you've been acting...are you nuts or what??
J: i think i kinda lost my shit for a bit. mainly because of stress.
Me: and what about now? did you get your shit back?
J: i'd say i've retrieved about three-fourths of my shit.
Me: well, you know there's a strong possibility that she may read this, right? what then?
J: well, i'd certainly hope she'd see the humor in it and call me a silly dork. she's one of the few people i've met out here who understands my sense of humor. i'd also hope it would make her smile if she's in a bad mood.
Me: is there anything you dislike about her?
J: only that she set the stakes at a 3.9, so i dont' think i'm gonna win!
Me: there's a lot you had thought of earlier that you forgot now and therefore isn't included in this interview.
J: i know...it was pretty funny shit too.
Me: well, then, that must mean you're tired as shit huh?
J: Sho 'Nuff!
Me: well, write about that mugging and go to sleep!
J: thanks! i think i will!
Me: any final thoughts?
J: yeah:
don't try to pull over an ostrich even if you're on a scooter...they won't listen.
Me: hey man, thanks for comin!
J: well, i'm missing some shit for this, so it'd better be good, homey.
Me: alrighty, so how's school?
J: pretty good, i think i have 3 a's and a b, but i feel pretty old being a freshman at 23.
Me: what classes are you taking?
J: umm..that question's kind of boring, are you gonna waste my time? I'M IMPORTANT!!
Me: ok sorry, here's a good one: what, if anything, have you learned over the last 12 months?
J: (thinks)..No matter how hard you try, you cannot and will not eat an entire summer sausage before it goes bad.
Me: ...is that it?
J: umm, never date someone just for the sake of dating someone, especially if it's someone you work with who is short, blonde, and named crystal...chances are she'll turn out to be an idiot, she may cheat on you with someone you work with, and you may be stuck having to see her every day until you finally get the balls to quit your shitty job..and also, if you DO meet someone you really like a lot, don't keep doing stupid things that will fuck it up just because you feel like being a butthole and crying for attention..i also had a revellation: i want to own an otter.
Me: you should let that crystal thing go..and i assume the latter statement was about caitlin..and also, otters are definitely cute.
J: yeah, well, i perpetuate stupid things, especially when i know i'm right, and sometimes just because i can be retarded as well. and fuck yeah. they're god damned adorable.
Me: so let's get to the meat and potatoes! how did you meet caitlin?
J: through a medium that will remain unidentified for the sake of protecting our nerdiness!
Me: oh, you mean the internet?
J: yeah.
Me: i see! what was your first thought when you met her in person?
J: "daisy's mom has got it goin' on!"
Me: she certainly does. so what happened?
J: well i have this kick ass affliction; every time i really like someone, and realize that she likes me as well, i get terrified and do something shitty to mess everything up, she normally winds up hating me, and that makes it easier for both of us to let it go..i don't really know why i do it but it's happened quite a few times, and my friends always make fun of me for it..
Me: so what do you do when things aren't going so well for ya?
J: one of two things: i get really mad and act like an FAE victim (learned that in sociology today), often writing or talking with large words in run-on sentences utilizing plenty of expletives, or try to use humor as a means to get through it, like laughing at the situation and making fun of whoever is responsible for it, whether it be me (as in this situation) or someone else (as in the situation where i got mugged, which i will write about after this...stay tuned!)..i prefer to do the latter of those, but sometimes i act way too quickly.
Me: man, you sound like a jackass!
J: hey damnit! that was all heartfelt and sincere and shit..i didn't come down here to be berated and insulted!
Me: yo, yo, we're all friends here buddy! but how do you rate what you did to her among the dumbest things you've ever done?
J: (thinks for a second) hmmm...i'd have to put it right below the time when i was 12, i sprayed a bunch of lysol into a fish bowl, to throw a match in and make a fireball, only without realizing that i should not look directly over the bowl while lighting it, which resulted in my eyelids being stuck closed for a little while because my eyelashes melted together when i closed my eyes (because fire was coming at my face), and my eyebrows were singed. i smelled like burnt hair for days. i would say what i did to caitlin was dumber than that, but, come on, what could possibly be dumber than setting your face on fire?
Me: Dumbass. well, why did you remove her from your myspace list?
J: in a childish hissie-fit, but i left her off of it in order to help us stay out of each others' lives for a bit. nothing in spite.
Me: why'd you remove her friends from your myspace?
J: ummm cause they probably don't like me too much right now...
Me: probably not! so you say you're staying away "for a bit." how long is that?
J: until i finally stop drinking so much.
Me: how's that process going, and what does the drinking have to do with this situation?
J: pretty well, i no longer start drinking in the afternoon, and am having more and more days without drinking at all. every time i have freaked out on her was after i had been drinking. damn i'm like a redneck now huh? i should go burn some garbage in a barrel!
Me: so if you could talk to her right now, what would you say?
J: i'd probably get kicked in the balls before i'd have a chance to say anything!
Me: have you ever been kicked in the balls?
J: once, in third grade.
Me: did it hurt?
J: ..like 8 bitches in a bitch-boat.
Me: that sucks dude, i'm sorry.
J: thanks, my balls are ok now though.
Me: so, are you just playing games by constantly hurting her by saying irrational and insulting things to her and then apologizing, thinking that makes it all better, or what?
J: nope, and if you're referring to that e-mail..there was one definite bit of truth in there, when taken out of the context of the letter and transferred into present-tense.
Me: and what is that?
J: your mom, fool!
Me: ..so you're not gonna tell me?
J: nope!
Me: so, about that letter, and how you've been acting...are you nuts or what??
J: i think i kinda lost my shit for a bit. mainly because of stress.
Me: and what about now? did you get your shit back?
J: i'd say i've retrieved about three-fourths of my shit.
Me: well, you know there's a strong possibility that she may read this, right? what then?
J: well, i'd certainly hope she'd see the humor in it and call me a silly dork. she's one of the few people i've met out here who understands my sense of humor. i'd also hope it would make her smile if she's in a bad mood.
Me: is there anything you dislike about her?
J: only that she set the stakes at a 3.9, so i dont' think i'm gonna win!
Me: there's a lot you had thought of earlier that you forgot now and therefore isn't included in this interview.
J: i know...it was pretty funny shit too.
Me: well, then, that must mean you're tired as shit huh?
J: Sho 'Nuff!
Me: well, write about that mugging and go to sleep!
J: thanks! i think i will!
Me: any final thoughts?
J: yeah:
don't try to pull over an ostrich even if you're on a scooter...they won't listen.