meet me at the cemetary gates.
i've done some thinking since my birthday.
i hate the fact that im once again questioning my future.
that once again, i am unsure of what i want to do with my life.
i hate the fact that no matter what i do, i always seem to fall down.
i hate the fact that this time around, im not sure i want to get back up again.
there are some things that i feel you should always be certain of.
& recently, i dont feel they are.
those things that i put my entire self into, seem to be leaving me.
things aren't what they used to be.
The things i held so close in my heart don't seem as important now.
religion has always been one of those things.
i can't seem to do anything without it.
& i know it.
but lately, religion isn't as important to me.
i dont want that to be true.
i want things to be how they were freshman year.
when i was at my lowest point in my life...& yet the closest i've ever been to God.
at least then i knew things would end up alright.
because back then, i was certain of so many things.
friends have been changing too.
the group of people i call my best friends.
the people i used to call my best friends.
it's so weird how life can change so dramatically in such a short period of time.
it truly is a miracle how things work.
lately. i've thought a lot about my gma,
the lady that i thought would always be around.
the strongest woman i've ever known.
the one to always be able to make me laugh,
no matter how low things seemed.
the one woman that i hold so dear to my heart.
the special woman in my life that fought so hard even until the very end.
& yet, it bothers me so much that i still havent gone to visit her.
it's been almost two years.
and i still can't bring myself to visit her.
i can't.
i knew who i was this year as a senior.
or so i thought.
i was the girl that people came to when they needed to talk.
when they needed someone to just tell them things would work out in the end.
thanks to this, i met so many great new people.
i met people i dont think i ever would have met on a normal day.
but thanks to God, these people came into my life.
Thanks to God, i now know that I always have someone to talk to when i need it most.
i know now that no matter how many times i fall,
someone is always gonna be there next to me waiting
to pick me up, dust me off, & get me started again.
it may not always be the same person, but at least i know.
it's funny how fast things can change.
its funny how one event can put everything into perspective.
it's weird to know that life is always unchanging.
it makes me feel uneasy knowing that in the morning when i wake up,
things will not be the same as yesterday.
i figured out yesterday that we all need a place to feel comfortable.
Somewhere along the way i think i figured out
I have mine-an odd collection of friends, music,
daytime talk shows, half filled notebooks, trips to target,
pointless ramblings, books,
the occasional movie trip, and dreams.
this is where i'll stay...at least for now.
and you know what? thats all right with me.
the only thing i see wrong with it is that i dont have a boy to share it with.
i know who i want it to be though.
that's another thing.
i was so sure of him.
i had it all figured out.
i knew what i wanted.
& i made God laugh.
He knew it wasnt meant for me.
at least not yet.
i just wanted so bad for things to work out.
and in the end, he wasn't meant to be.
but i still can't seem to get him out of my head.
no matter what he does.
some days, he's the last person i want to talk to.
& some day, he is the sweetest guy i know.
but in the end, he is always in the back of my mine.
& im not gonna lie, i hate it.
i hate the fact that i fell head over heels for him.
even when i told myself to be careful.
even though i told myself i wasnt gonna be sucked into that game again.
& in a matter of days, i failed.
i failed at what i wanted to achieve so badly.
& i'm pretty sure that's what messed things up.
in the end, im just gonna keep waiting.
waiting for God.
waiting for my friends.
waiting for things to be alright.
waiting for the right guy.
waiting.
& it's gets on my last nerve
because i want things to be great now.
i dont want to wait anymore.