(no subject)
right now i don't want to be alone. not to be with someone in some romantic sense, but to be around a being of some intelligence. i had to leave early from a good time, but was it a good time? maybe it was just the chemicals in the fermented grains. i was not so good originally. and i answered honestly. "i am alive". my sister is in the next room, but when have i had a serious conversation with her? plus, she is watching ramna, she wouldn't like it if i interupted that.
things have been fine. but not great. i thought that they might be great. i had some hope again. but they didn't want to leave, and tonight, only hello was said. well, that might have been the only thing said.
i actually asked for help last time and no one said a thing. so why should i ask again? i won't, that is for fucking sure. don't ask me if you can help me. don't say you are always there. don't make me turst you and think i can talk about my shit. but that is all it is. shit. no real problem. no real worries. just the same stuff. who am i to say i am not good. i am alive. and that is all i will ever ask for.
still in the influence of the chems. still feeling fuzzy. all my money is gone, some is in the bank. some wasted on stuff. on people. on more drink. i should spend it all on the drink. waste away, and get that face that you get when no one can talk to you with out looking away and wishing they were talking to someone pretty.
and you try. you try to hope. and you say, say what is in you, and they say they know, and they take it some othe way so they can still be your friend, but nothing more. and they no, but they feel that way for something else, you are sure. something more attractive. something more interesting. something going somewhere. something that makes music. something that is creative. something that isn't yourself. something better.
and you wonder why it matters. you wonder why you care. you wonder why everyone else is being grand and you are left here being alive. and you think, i care because i am normal. i care because i am human. i care because that is what you do, you care, you get hurt, but getting hurt doesn't make you not care, it makes you a being. that is part of being, being able to deal.
this is life, and you will be fine tomorrow. a week from now. a month. a year. you will be down again, but you will be fine again to. you are alive. you aren't dead. you are reading this (maybe) you are hear, and i am glad you are alive. stay alive. don't have schitzophenia and kill yourself. i can't deal with that again.
i love her. but i am stopping now.
the end.
bye.
things have been fine. but not great. i thought that they might be great. i had some hope again. but they didn't want to leave, and tonight, only hello was said. well, that might have been the only thing said.
i actually asked for help last time and no one said a thing. so why should i ask again? i won't, that is for fucking sure. don't ask me if you can help me. don't say you are always there. don't make me turst you and think i can talk about my shit. but that is all it is. shit. no real problem. no real worries. just the same stuff. who am i to say i am not good. i am alive. and that is all i will ever ask for.
still in the influence of the chems. still feeling fuzzy. all my money is gone, some is in the bank. some wasted on stuff. on people. on more drink. i should spend it all on the drink. waste away, and get that face that you get when no one can talk to you with out looking away and wishing they were talking to someone pretty.
and you try. you try to hope. and you say, say what is in you, and they say they know, and they take it some othe way so they can still be your friend, but nothing more. and they no, but they feel that way for something else, you are sure. something more attractive. something more interesting. something going somewhere. something that makes music. something that is creative. something that isn't yourself. something better.
and you wonder why it matters. you wonder why you care. you wonder why everyone else is being grand and you are left here being alive. and you think, i care because i am normal. i care because i am human. i care because that is what you do, you care, you get hurt, but getting hurt doesn't make you not care, it makes you a being. that is part of being, being able to deal.
this is life, and you will be fine tomorrow. a week from now. a month. a year. you will be down again, but you will be fine again to. you are alive. you aren't dead. you are reading this (maybe) you are hear, and i am glad you are alive. stay alive. don't have schitzophenia and kill yourself. i can't deal with that again.
i love her. but i am stopping now.
the end.
bye.