Executive Whiplash
Here I sit in air-conditioned comfort in the leather-armed swivel chair of my third floor office. I peer out through the partly open silver venetians and gaze at the rows of shiny executive vehicles parked across the street. In the nearby gardens, businessmen sit eating prepacked lunches, young couples lie on the grass fondling each other tenderly and exchanging saliva. A lone businessman does tai-chi manoeuvres on a tartan picnic mat, unfazed by the curious gaze of passing onlookers and the fact that he looks like a complete twit. A beaming newlywed couple emerge from a dumpy old Mazda 626, arms intertwined, bouquet still in hand, smiling and waving at those in attendance. (WTF? Couldn’t they afford a limo? They probably blew the wedding budget on solicitor’s fees for drafting the pre-nuptial.)
I recline in my soft leather seating vessel and hook my thumbs under the tops of the suspenders that hold up my pinstripe trousers. I gaze vacantly up at the ceiling, pondering deeply whilst I chew open the sealed end of a Cuban double corona and light it with a confident swipe of a thick match.
Dear readers, due to an unforeseeable, unfortunate and extraordinary number of staff absences at my organisation today, the entire hierarchy of administration staff above me are out of action. So somehow, this award wage shitkicker who never finished high school gets to be the Executive Assistant of a prominent government department for a day! Yeah I know, it’s just a glorified P.A. role, but the fact that I can put “Acting Executive Assistant” on my resume makes it pretty cool. The fact that I can put “anything executive anything” on my resume is pretty cool! I suppose I’ll have to put a clause written in lemon juice at the bottom of the page, explaining the circumstances.
Even though this job involves practically the same thing as what I do downstairs (i.e. nothing) it’s a far more interesting and prestigious nothing. The three calls I took in an hour were from corporate lawyers, top brass and government big wigs. Whereas normally when dealing with ordinary telephone enquiries, I speak to bogans, wifebeaters and prostitutes. Earlier I had to arrange a meeting with the C.E.O. of the world’s second largest company in their field of operation. Even the stamps here are more interesting. Whereas at my desk I have “received”, “entered”, “scanned” and the date, here I have “confidential”, “to be shredded” and “urgent”.
I can’t believe I’ve found a job that’s even easier than mine! It’s quite true the old saying - the less work you do, the more you get paid. Perhaps I should apply for this position when it’s renewed in July - I could work for a couple of months then take a holiday and I’d still end up with more money.
The C.E.O. has left his door open and he’s having a meeting with a couple of foreign diplomats. I’m trying to eavesdrop but all I can hear over the thick accents is a few isolated words - “inspectors”, “regulation”, “new legislation”.
Thanks for that, God. You knew I didn’t want to come to work today but you always manage to provide a little bit of consolation when I most need it.
I recline in my soft leather seating vessel and hook my thumbs under the tops of the suspenders that hold up my pinstripe trousers. I gaze vacantly up at the ceiling, pondering deeply whilst I chew open the sealed end of a Cuban double corona and light it with a confident swipe of a thick match.
Dear readers, due to an unforeseeable, unfortunate and extraordinary number of staff absences at my organisation today, the entire hierarchy of administration staff above me are out of action. So somehow, this award wage shitkicker who never finished high school gets to be the Executive Assistant of a prominent government department for a day! Yeah I know, it’s just a glorified P.A. role, but the fact that I can put “Acting Executive Assistant” on my resume makes it pretty cool. The fact that I can put “anything executive anything” on my resume is pretty cool! I suppose I’ll have to put a clause written in lemon juice at the bottom of the page, explaining the circumstances.
Even though this job involves practically the same thing as what I do downstairs (i.e. nothing) it’s a far more interesting and prestigious nothing. The three calls I took in an hour were from corporate lawyers, top brass and government big wigs. Whereas normally when dealing with ordinary telephone enquiries, I speak to bogans, wifebeaters and prostitutes. Earlier I had to arrange a meeting with the C.E.O. of the world’s second largest company in their field of operation. Even the stamps here are more interesting. Whereas at my desk I have “received”, “entered”, “scanned” and the date, here I have “confidential”, “to be shredded” and “urgent”.
I can’t believe I’ve found a job that’s even easier than mine! It’s quite true the old saying - the less work you do, the more you get paid. Perhaps I should apply for this position when it’s renewed in July - I could work for a couple of months then take a holiday and I’d still end up with more money.
The C.E.O. has left his door open and he’s having a meeting with a couple of foreign diplomats. I’m trying to eavesdrop but all I can hear over the thick accents is a few isolated words - “inspectors”, “regulation”, “new legislation”.
Thanks for that, God. You knew I didn’t want to come to work today but you always manage to provide a little bit of consolation when I most need it.