(no subject)
Ahhhh, all right.
I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm not so sure why. Well, yeah I am... because for the past 3 months, I've been running around like crazy just trying to survive. Now my thought processes are running out of control. It's really just life catching up to me. I've been overworked and stressed and just generally tired for a while now, but I try to hard to brush it off and not let it get to me.
I don't know what happened, but on the way home it just... hit me. Like, I felt like I was going to burst out in tears, but I'm not sad. Not at all. It's the weirdest thing.
Uuuuugh, I don't know. I just don't. I need to get away. I just need to be away from Bethlehem, away from Washington, away from everything I'm comfortable with and away from everything that I know.
Other than talking myself out of a mental collapse, things are good. Just hectic. Money's tight, time's tight, everything's crazy.
Right now I have so, so, so many options. But I have no idea what I'm going to choose. I'll just let fate take hold and steer me until I can pick myself up.
In the car Josh Groban- You Raise Me Up came on, followed by AFI- Days of the Phoenix, followed by Counting Crows- Anna Begins (acoustic). Bad combinations for my emotions. Before the first song was over, I was texting Mel to see what she's up to tonight, because I just need to talk. She's with her family. My sister's waiting for her boyfriend. No clue where Cheryl is. And I'm sitting in my apartment alone, avoiding sleep because I know I'll lay down in the dark and think.... way too much. I think enough as it is, and tonight... ugh, tonight I just don't need that.
I just need to spend some time with people who truely know and care about me. I'm craving familiarity as much as I'm craving newness. Maybe it's just this whole stuck in between phase I'm going through.
I feel like lately all my entries are talking about how I need to see people. But really.... I do. I haven't seen my sister since September. I miss her. I haven't seen Mel in a month, and I miss her too. I haven't seen Cheryl since August, and I need to see her. Chances are I'll cry when I see her, it's been so long. I haven't spoken to Kyle since probably April, and I haven't seen him in over a year. I just need the comfort of seeing these people and knowing that I'm in the presence of someone who really cares about me.
I miss Allison too, she called me today, I called her back, then she called me back, and I called her. We're playing an awful game of phone tag.
I just want to lay in bed and pretend there aren't so many things that need to be done.
Maybe it's time for some "Dear You" type-letters. 10-ish?
1. I miss you. Plain and simple. I know that you're doing well for yourself and you're excited about life, and that makes me so, so happy for you. I wish that I could just watch you for a day. Pick up a mirror and see what's happening in your life. Are you really as happy as you sound? I need to see you so we can laugh, hard. So we can bond and be nostalgic. I can't wait to grow old together, it's something we've been waiting for since the day we've met.
2. I miss you too. But... I feel like you're so busy doing superficial things with people who will never care about you as much as we do. Maybe they wont, maybe they will. But I suppose that's your choice, isn't it? It doesn't matter. I just wish we had more time to talk. And when we do talk, I wish we had more to say. I don't feel as close to you as I want to. But I know that as soon as I see you that will all change. Take care of yourself, because no one else will. You're too bright and too bold to be dulled by anyone, that's something I admire.
3. You don't look happy, at all. I'm sick of the excuses. Just come clean, we all know why but you wont admit it. I just want to see you smile, that's all. I want to see you laugh and have your eyes sparkle. You sad makes me worry... if you, someone so full or life and love, can't be happy... what's in store for the rest of us? I love you, and I hope you know that. I just want to hold you in my arms and warm your soul so that you can smile again.
4. I can't help but be thrilled by you, although I have come to realize that I am not thrilled by anyone. Maybe you catch my eye because you are the master of deceit. I know that I cannot get hurt by you because I refuse to get close to you. But at the same time, we're close to each other. It doesn't matter that we're living our lives on parallel tracks.
5. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I can't say it enough. I want you to believe it. Your eyes tell me that you aren't hearing a word that I or anyone else is saying. I love you, we love you and we'll always be there for you. What you have is fleeting, and you know that. But us, we're forever. Whether it be a hill, a state, an ocean, or a universe that seperates us, I hope you know that I love you and I care about your happiness. When you feel like you have nothing else to come back to, you will always have a place in my heart, mind, and home. You are quintessential in the process of finding myself.
6. You are one of my newer but most fantastic friends. I love just watching you. Hearing you laugh, watching your eyes dance. How tough you look when you take a drag of your cigarette. You're beautiful both on the inside and out, I hope you know and realize that. You're so deep and I look forward to learning more about you. We always have a great time, be it low key or crazy. That's the best kind of friendship to have. I can't wait to see what you make of yourself. I feel so similar to you that it's crazy, then in an instant I feel like it's our differences that are magnetic. Keep your head held high and those pretty eyes shining, everything's falling into place.
7. I will never, ever understand you and I'm beginning to think that maybe it's best that way. You will always be a part of my life, whether or not we like it. I hate not seeing you or not talking to you. Most of all, I hate not being there for you. I miss you coming to me, and me feeling like I could lift the weight off of your shoulders. I miss being your protector and your confidant. I miss thinking you could make it on your own. I will always worry about you, but I know that you will be okay.
8. I don't know what has gotten into you lately. We're so far apart that it's hard to get close. Not that that is a bad thing, but really... maybe it is. I wish you felt comfortable enough to vocalize your wants and needs. I used to admire your ability to adapt and your impressionable personality. Now I wish you would stand on your own two feet. I want to think that you'll be okay, but independence isn't something that comes easily to all.
9. What you want from me and what you will get from me are two different things. I can't be what you need me to be, so please don't ask that from me. I just want to be myself, but who I am and who you perceive me to be are very, very different. I want to be a part of your life, and I know that I will. I can't wait to see you meet the person that you will spend the rest of your life with... but really, that's not the most important thing in the world, and I wish you wouldn't fixate on it. Love will come, but not when you are active in looking for it or talking about it with regret. Just be patient.
10. I think about you often. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. I know that if I were to see you, I'd be numb with fear, cowardice, and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not because I still want you in my life, but because I know what you were like and why we are no longer a part of each other. I hope you are doing well with all of your endeavors. I hope that you are happy and healthy, and that you're smiling often. I hope that you have found someone to embrace you for who you are and the dreams that you have. I hope that you can find yourself and that you like the person you've become. I worry that you will change to pacify others again, and that's sad. You deserve to shine brightly how you see fit, not how others see fit for you. I hope you think of me too, and that it's not with remorse, but with happiness that we learned from each other.
Think you know what number you are...?? I think I did a pretty good job keeping details neutral.
Anyways, now that I've written a little I feel better and I'm going to go to bed.
Long day at work tomorrow.
Until next time...
I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm not so sure why. Well, yeah I am... because for the past 3 months, I've been running around like crazy just trying to survive. Now my thought processes are running out of control. It's really just life catching up to me. I've been overworked and stressed and just generally tired for a while now, but I try to hard to brush it off and not let it get to me.
I don't know what happened, but on the way home it just... hit me. Like, I felt like I was going to burst out in tears, but I'm not sad. Not at all. It's the weirdest thing.
Uuuuugh, I don't know. I just don't. I need to get away. I just need to be away from Bethlehem, away from Washington, away from everything I'm comfortable with and away from everything that I know.
Other than talking myself out of a mental collapse, things are good. Just hectic. Money's tight, time's tight, everything's crazy.
Right now I have so, so, so many options. But I have no idea what I'm going to choose. I'll just let fate take hold and steer me until I can pick myself up.
In the car Josh Groban- You Raise Me Up came on, followed by AFI- Days of the Phoenix, followed by Counting Crows- Anna Begins (acoustic). Bad combinations for my emotions. Before the first song was over, I was texting Mel to see what she's up to tonight, because I just need to talk. She's with her family. My sister's waiting for her boyfriend. No clue where Cheryl is. And I'm sitting in my apartment alone, avoiding sleep because I know I'll lay down in the dark and think.... way too much. I think enough as it is, and tonight... ugh, tonight I just don't need that.
I just need to spend some time with people who truely know and care about me. I'm craving familiarity as much as I'm craving newness. Maybe it's just this whole stuck in between phase I'm going through.
I feel like lately all my entries are talking about how I need to see people. But really.... I do. I haven't seen my sister since September. I miss her. I haven't seen Mel in a month, and I miss her too. I haven't seen Cheryl since August, and I need to see her. Chances are I'll cry when I see her, it's been so long. I haven't spoken to Kyle since probably April, and I haven't seen him in over a year. I just need the comfort of seeing these people and knowing that I'm in the presence of someone who really cares about me.
I miss Allison too, she called me today, I called her back, then she called me back, and I called her. We're playing an awful game of phone tag.
I just want to lay in bed and pretend there aren't so many things that need to be done.
Maybe it's time for some "Dear You" type-letters. 10-ish?
1. I miss you. Plain and simple. I know that you're doing well for yourself and you're excited about life, and that makes me so, so happy for you. I wish that I could just watch you for a day. Pick up a mirror and see what's happening in your life. Are you really as happy as you sound? I need to see you so we can laugh, hard. So we can bond and be nostalgic. I can't wait to grow old together, it's something we've been waiting for since the day we've met.
2. I miss you too. But... I feel like you're so busy doing superficial things with people who will never care about you as much as we do. Maybe they wont, maybe they will. But I suppose that's your choice, isn't it? It doesn't matter. I just wish we had more time to talk. And when we do talk, I wish we had more to say. I don't feel as close to you as I want to. But I know that as soon as I see you that will all change. Take care of yourself, because no one else will. You're too bright and too bold to be dulled by anyone, that's something I admire.
3. You don't look happy, at all. I'm sick of the excuses. Just come clean, we all know why but you wont admit it. I just want to see you smile, that's all. I want to see you laugh and have your eyes sparkle. You sad makes me worry... if you, someone so full or life and love, can't be happy... what's in store for the rest of us? I love you, and I hope you know that. I just want to hold you in my arms and warm your soul so that you can smile again.
4. I can't help but be thrilled by you, although I have come to realize that I am not thrilled by anyone. Maybe you catch my eye because you are the master of deceit. I know that I cannot get hurt by you because I refuse to get close to you. But at the same time, we're close to each other. It doesn't matter that we're living our lives on parallel tracks.
5. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I can't say it enough. I want you to believe it. Your eyes tell me that you aren't hearing a word that I or anyone else is saying. I love you, we love you and we'll always be there for you. What you have is fleeting, and you know that. But us, we're forever. Whether it be a hill, a state, an ocean, or a universe that seperates us, I hope you know that I love you and I care about your happiness. When you feel like you have nothing else to come back to, you will always have a place in my heart, mind, and home. You are quintessential in the process of finding myself.
6. You are one of my newer but most fantastic friends. I love just watching you. Hearing you laugh, watching your eyes dance. How tough you look when you take a drag of your cigarette. You're beautiful both on the inside and out, I hope you know and realize that. You're so deep and I look forward to learning more about you. We always have a great time, be it low key or crazy. That's the best kind of friendship to have. I can't wait to see what you make of yourself. I feel so similar to you that it's crazy, then in an instant I feel like it's our differences that are magnetic. Keep your head held high and those pretty eyes shining, everything's falling into place.
7. I will never, ever understand you and I'm beginning to think that maybe it's best that way. You will always be a part of my life, whether or not we like it. I hate not seeing you or not talking to you. Most of all, I hate not being there for you. I miss you coming to me, and me feeling like I could lift the weight off of your shoulders. I miss being your protector and your confidant. I miss thinking you could make it on your own. I will always worry about you, but I know that you will be okay.
8. I don't know what has gotten into you lately. We're so far apart that it's hard to get close. Not that that is a bad thing, but really... maybe it is. I wish you felt comfortable enough to vocalize your wants and needs. I used to admire your ability to adapt and your impressionable personality. Now I wish you would stand on your own two feet. I want to think that you'll be okay, but independence isn't something that comes easily to all.
9. What you want from me and what you will get from me are two different things. I can't be what you need me to be, so please don't ask that from me. I just want to be myself, but who I am and who you perceive me to be are very, very different. I want to be a part of your life, and I know that I will. I can't wait to see you meet the person that you will spend the rest of your life with... but really, that's not the most important thing in the world, and I wish you wouldn't fixate on it. Love will come, but not when you are active in looking for it or talking about it with regret. Just be patient.
10. I think about you often. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. I know that if I were to see you, I'd be numb with fear, cowardice, and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not because I still want you in my life, but because I know what you were like and why we are no longer a part of each other. I hope you are doing well with all of your endeavors. I hope that you are happy and healthy, and that you're smiling often. I hope that you have found someone to embrace you for who you are and the dreams that you have. I hope that you can find yourself and that you like the person you've become. I worry that you will change to pacify others again, and that's sad. You deserve to shine brightly how you see fit, not how others see fit for you. I hope you think of me too, and that it's not with remorse, but with happiness that we learned from each other.
Think you know what number you are...?? I think I did a pretty good job keeping details neutral.
Anyways, now that I've written a little I feel better and I'm going to go to bed.
Long day at work tomorrow.
Until next time...