The Who Whating How With Huh?
Title: The Who Whating How With Huh?
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: Simon/Wash; Wash/Zoe
Wordcount: 1472
Rating: PG
Notes: CRACK! Written as a backup spacesanta fic for wedjateye who wanted Wash/Simon but I couldn't break up Wash/Zoe. And so my brain went here. Kinda AU to the episode Jaynestown. Title is a line spoken by Buffy in the episode Intervention.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, blah blah blah.
“Did you know Jayne is a bonafide folk hero? Got a song and everything.”
“You’ve been drinkin’ husband.”
“That he has. Don’t make it any less the case.” - Jaynestown
Wash snorted as he listened to Mal tell Zoe about what had gone on in town and the plans they now had for “Jayne Day.” Or rather he tried to listen. He hadn’t meant to get drunk. But a few drinks of the Mudder’s Milk was really all it took. And there had been a song. Jayne was a hero, and there had been a song. The milk really seemed like his only option.
Wash realized Zoe was talking to him when she tugged on his sleeve.
“Come on husband. Let’s get you to bed.”
Wash smiled and followed along happily after Zoe. Jayne was a folk hero and Wash was drunk. Really there could be worse things.
*
Wash woke up, his brain evidently trying to escape from his head.
“Nnnngh.”
“I’m not surprised dear. You were pretty drunk last night.”
Wash cradled his head in his hands. Zoe’s voice sounded strange. He tried to open his eyes and look around. It took him a bit of time, but he eventually got his eyes to stay open and for the room to stop spinning.
“You’re gonna have to move a little quicker there honey. Cap’n wants us ready to go soon. Gotta find the cargo and get it across town while everyone is captivated by Jayne.”
Wash sat up slowly. “Honey are you feeling okay? Your voice sounds… ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng!”
“Honey what?” Simon rushed over to where Wash had scrambled off the bed, his back up against the wall. “Are you feeling sick? Do I need to find the doctor?”
“I. Um. What?” Wash looked at Simon, eyes wide with confusion and not a little bit of fear. “What are you doing in here?”
“That’s exactly what I was just saying. Hurry up. Cap’n won’t want to be kept waiting.”
Wash watched with wide eyes as Simon climbed the ladder and slipped out of the cabin. He shook his head slightly, careful not to reawaken the headache that had subsided a bit. Maybe he was still drunk. Maybe he was having some sort of hallucination brought on by the evils of Mudder’s Milk. Yes. That was it.
He looked around the cabin. Pictures of he and Simon in various stages of wedded bliss lined the shelf above the bed. He stared at them in disbelief. In the clothes locker he finds Hawaiian shirts hanging next to jewel-toned vests. The weapons chest looks the same, but when he opens it he finds only two guns, small and almost dainty, rather than the sawed off shotgun that his wife favored.
“Ta ma de!”
The headache came back with a vengeance.
*
Wash drove the mule into town, Simon at his side. He’s trying not to flinch every time Simon leaned into him, but it’s difficult. Something is going on. Something very strange. Stranger than Jayne being a hero. No wait. Nothing is stranger than that. Still Wash thinks it might be wise to try and reason what is going on rather than freaking out at every turn.
However tempting that might be.
They pick up Mal and Kaylee in town and then drive out to look for Kessler’s hiding place. Wash worked quietly alongside the others, still trying to work out in his mind what the hell is going on. They load the cargo and miraculously get it back to the ship without incident. Mal and Kaylee leave again to go collect Jayne after the “celebration.”
“And Zoe. Don’t forget to bring back Zoe,” Wash called after them.
Kaylee grimaced. “Right. Because now that she’s had her breakfast like is proper in the civilized world maybe she’ll be ready to come back to the ship.”
“Right. Wait. What?”
“Lil’ Kaylee here is just upset that Zoe didn’t try nothin’ with her last night.”
“But Cap’n. Things were going so well. She told me I was pretty.”
“And that you are.” Mal leaned down and kissed her temple.
“Why would Zoe tell you you’re pretty?” Wash asked.
Kaylee stomped out of the cargo bay. Mal spared Wash a withering look before running to catch up with his mechanic.
“What?” Wash turned to find Simon glaring at him. “WHAT?”
“Kaylee’s a nice girl and she’s got a mighty big crush on the doctor. Don’t go making her feel bad about it. Might do the doc some good too, she ever let herself go around Kaylee. Maybe get her mind of that sister of hers.”
“Wait. Zoe and River are sisters?”
“You sure you’re feeling okay husband? You’ve been acting awfully strange since this morning.”
Wash sat down on a nearby crate. Was he feeling okay? Physically he thought so. He was breathing in and out, he seemed to be able to move all his limbs, and he was walking and talking. Physically he thought he probably checked out okay. His mental state however was beginning to worry him. He was married to Simon? Zoe was the doctor and River’s sister. No. No this wasn’t right. None of this was right.
*
Wash set Serenity to autopilot and went in search of his wife. His real one.
Zoe was in the infirmary tending to her own wounds.
“Whoa. How’d that happen?”
“Jayne’s former partner thought I was one of Jayne’s ‘crew.’ Decided he’d try to teach Jayne a lesson by hurting me.” Zoe paused to shoot a wry smile at Wash. “I’m sure that would really upset Jayne. Hell he could have killed me and Jayne probably would’ve thrown a party.”
“Don’t say that!”
Zoe looked up. “I know where I stand with Jayne. It’s okay.”
“I just don’t like the thought of you dying,” Wash caught himself before the word ‘baby’ could escape his lips.
Zoe walked over to him. She still dressed for a fight, but there was something different about her. Softer.
“Thank you Wash.”
“He isn’t who he thinks he is. He sees you but he’s seeing someone else.” Wash hadn’t noticed River sitting in the corner of the room.
“Mei mei?” Zoe crouched in front of River and ran a comforting hand through her hair.
“Reflections. Other times. Other versions of ourselves. He is lost.”
Zoe turned toward Wash. “I. I don’t know what she’s talking about.”
“It’s okay,” Wash turned and left the infirmary. “I think I do.”
*
Simon is there when Wash finally goes down into their cabin for the night.
“You’ve been avoiding me husband.”
Wash looks at Simon.
“Yeah. Yeah I think maybe I have.”
“You want to explain that?”
“Did I go crazy today? No wait. Did everyone else go crazy? There’s something here, and I don’t think it’s right, but no one else sees it. No one else even realizes there’s a problem. Except River. And frankly that doesn’t really go very far in the I’m still totally sane department.”
“Slow down. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Wash took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. “What if I told you that all of my memories before today have me married to somebody else? What if I told you that I keep thinking you aren’t who you are supposed to be?”
“I’d say you’d been drinkin’ again.”
Wash smiled. “Well, that does seem to be where the trouble started. Simon, in my head you’re the doctor. And River is your sister.”
“And what, you’re married to Zoe?”
“Yes.”
Simon looked at Wash for a long moment and then burst out laughing.
“Oh. Oh. I can’t.” He sat down next to Wash leaning heavily on him as his laughter rang through the room. As his mirth died away he looked at Wash and smiled. Wash recognized that smile. He’d seen it on Zoe a million times.
Without thinking he leaned forward and kissed Simon gently. Simon responded, his arms coming up to encircle Wash. As they fell back on the bed together, Wash couldn’t help but think that all of this was so familiar.
*
“Mmmm… Simon.”
“Simon? What are you dreamin’ about?”
Wash sat up. Zoe, already dressed, was looking down at him, an amused smirk on her face.
“Um. I. I don’t know.”
“Well just let me know if I should be jealous of the doctor.”
“NO! No.”
Zoe laughed as she climbed the ladder. “Hurry up or you’ll miss breakfast!”
Wash dressed quickly, and was on his way to the mess when River suddenly stepped into his path.
“Sometimes dreams are just dreams except when they are not.”
Wash blinked. “What? How did you?”
River smiled. “She knows it was strange and wonderful. It wouldn’t do to go traveling again.”
Wash just stared.
River laughed. “Breakfast is getting cold.”
Wash shook his head and followed the girl into the dining area. Taking his seat next to Zoe and across from Simon he finally felt like everything in the ‘verse was right.
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: Simon/Wash; Wash/Zoe
Wordcount: 1472
Rating: PG
Notes: CRACK! Written as a backup spacesanta fic for wedjateye who wanted Wash/Simon but I couldn't break up Wash/Zoe. And so my brain went here. Kinda AU to the episode Jaynestown. Title is a line spoken by Buffy in the episode Intervention.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, blah blah blah.
“Did you know Jayne is a bonafide folk hero? Got a song and everything.”
“You’ve been drinkin’ husband.”
“That he has. Don’t make it any less the case.” - Jaynestown
Wash snorted as he listened to Mal tell Zoe about what had gone on in town and the plans they now had for “Jayne Day.” Or rather he tried to listen. He hadn’t meant to get drunk. But a few drinks of the Mudder’s Milk was really all it took. And there had been a song. Jayne was a hero, and there had been a song. The milk really seemed like his only option.
Wash realized Zoe was talking to him when she tugged on his sleeve.
“Come on husband. Let’s get you to bed.”
Wash smiled and followed along happily after Zoe. Jayne was a folk hero and Wash was drunk. Really there could be worse things.
*
Wash woke up, his brain evidently trying to escape from his head.
“Nnnngh.”
“I’m not surprised dear. You were pretty drunk last night.”
Wash cradled his head in his hands. Zoe’s voice sounded strange. He tried to open his eyes and look around. It took him a bit of time, but he eventually got his eyes to stay open and for the room to stop spinning.
“You’re gonna have to move a little quicker there honey. Cap’n wants us ready to go soon. Gotta find the cargo and get it across town while everyone is captivated by Jayne.”
Wash sat up slowly. “Honey are you feeling okay? Your voice sounds… ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng!”
“Honey what?” Simon rushed over to where Wash had scrambled off the bed, his back up against the wall. “Are you feeling sick? Do I need to find the doctor?”
“I. Um. What?” Wash looked at Simon, eyes wide with confusion and not a little bit of fear. “What are you doing in here?”
“That’s exactly what I was just saying. Hurry up. Cap’n won’t want to be kept waiting.”
Wash watched with wide eyes as Simon climbed the ladder and slipped out of the cabin. He shook his head slightly, careful not to reawaken the headache that had subsided a bit. Maybe he was still drunk. Maybe he was having some sort of hallucination brought on by the evils of Mudder’s Milk. Yes. That was it.
He looked around the cabin. Pictures of he and Simon in various stages of wedded bliss lined the shelf above the bed. He stared at them in disbelief. In the clothes locker he finds Hawaiian shirts hanging next to jewel-toned vests. The weapons chest looks the same, but when he opens it he finds only two guns, small and almost dainty, rather than the sawed off shotgun that his wife favored.
“Ta ma de!”
The headache came back with a vengeance.
*
Wash drove the mule into town, Simon at his side. He’s trying not to flinch every time Simon leaned into him, but it’s difficult. Something is going on. Something very strange. Stranger than Jayne being a hero. No wait. Nothing is stranger than that. Still Wash thinks it might be wise to try and reason what is going on rather than freaking out at every turn.
However tempting that might be.
They pick up Mal and Kaylee in town and then drive out to look for Kessler’s hiding place. Wash worked quietly alongside the others, still trying to work out in his mind what the hell is going on. They load the cargo and miraculously get it back to the ship without incident. Mal and Kaylee leave again to go collect Jayne after the “celebration.”
“And Zoe. Don’t forget to bring back Zoe,” Wash called after them.
Kaylee grimaced. “Right. Because now that she’s had her breakfast like is proper in the civilized world maybe she’ll be ready to come back to the ship.”
“Right. Wait. What?”
“Lil’ Kaylee here is just upset that Zoe didn’t try nothin’ with her last night.”
“But Cap’n. Things were going so well. She told me I was pretty.”
“And that you are.” Mal leaned down and kissed her temple.
“Why would Zoe tell you you’re pretty?” Wash asked.
Kaylee stomped out of the cargo bay. Mal spared Wash a withering look before running to catch up with his mechanic.
“What?” Wash turned to find Simon glaring at him. “WHAT?”
“Kaylee’s a nice girl and she’s got a mighty big crush on the doctor. Don’t go making her feel bad about it. Might do the doc some good too, she ever let herself go around Kaylee. Maybe get her mind of that sister of hers.”
“Wait. Zoe and River are sisters?”
“You sure you’re feeling okay husband? You’ve been acting awfully strange since this morning.”
Wash sat down on a nearby crate. Was he feeling okay? Physically he thought so. He was breathing in and out, he seemed to be able to move all his limbs, and he was walking and talking. Physically he thought he probably checked out okay. His mental state however was beginning to worry him. He was married to Simon? Zoe was the doctor and River’s sister. No. No this wasn’t right. None of this was right.
*
Wash set Serenity to autopilot and went in search of his wife. His real one.
Zoe was in the infirmary tending to her own wounds.
“Whoa. How’d that happen?”
“Jayne’s former partner thought I was one of Jayne’s ‘crew.’ Decided he’d try to teach Jayne a lesson by hurting me.” Zoe paused to shoot a wry smile at Wash. “I’m sure that would really upset Jayne. Hell he could have killed me and Jayne probably would’ve thrown a party.”
“Don’t say that!”
Zoe looked up. “I know where I stand with Jayne. It’s okay.”
“I just don’t like the thought of you dying,” Wash caught himself before the word ‘baby’ could escape his lips.
Zoe walked over to him. She still dressed for a fight, but there was something different about her. Softer.
“Thank you Wash.”
“He isn’t who he thinks he is. He sees you but he’s seeing someone else.” Wash hadn’t noticed River sitting in the corner of the room.
“Mei mei?” Zoe crouched in front of River and ran a comforting hand through her hair.
“Reflections. Other times. Other versions of ourselves. He is lost.”
Zoe turned toward Wash. “I. I don’t know what she’s talking about.”
“It’s okay,” Wash turned and left the infirmary. “I think I do.”
*
Simon is there when Wash finally goes down into their cabin for the night.
“You’ve been avoiding me husband.”
Wash looks at Simon.
“Yeah. Yeah I think maybe I have.”
“You want to explain that?”
“Did I go crazy today? No wait. Did everyone else go crazy? There’s something here, and I don’t think it’s right, but no one else sees it. No one else even realizes there’s a problem. Except River. And frankly that doesn’t really go very far in the I’m still totally sane department.”
“Slow down. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Wash took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. “What if I told you that all of my memories before today have me married to somebody else? What if I told you that I keep thinking you aren’t who you are supposed to be?”
“I’d say you’d been drinkin’ again.”
Wash smiled. “Well, that does seem to be where the trouble started. Simon, in my head you’re the doctor. And River is your sister.”
“And what, you’re married to Zoe?”
“Yes.”
Simon looked at Wash for a long moment and then burst out laughing.
“Oh. Oh. I can’t.” He sat down next to Wash leaning heavily on him as his laughter rang through the room. As his mirth died away he looked at Wash and smiled. Wash recognized that smile. He’d seen it on Zoe a million times.
Without thinking he leaned forward and kissed Simon gently. Simon responded, his arms coming up to encircle Wash. As they fell back on the bed together, Wash couldn’t help but think that all of this was so familiar.
*
“Mmmm… Simon.”
“Simon? What are you dreamin’ about?”
Wash sat up. Zoe, already dressed, was looking down at him, an amused smirk on her face.
“Um. I. I don’t know.”
“Well just let me know if I should be jealous of the doctor.”
“NO! No.”
Zoe laughed as she climbed the ladder. “Hurry up or you’ll miss breakfast!”
Wash dressed quickly, and was on his way to the mess when River suddenly stepped into his path.
“Sometimes dreams are just dreams except when they are not.”
Wash blinked. “What? How did you?”
River smiled. “She knows it was strange and wonderful. It wouldn’t do to go traveling again.”
Wash just stared.
River laughed. “Breakfast is getting cold.”
Wash shook his head and followed the girl into the dining area. Taking his seat next to Zoe and across from Simon he finally felt like everything in the ‘verse was right.