(no subject)
It's been a long first month here. Once again, I am stunned by how much can happen and change a person in 24 hours. It's astounding. I've been up, down, and floored over and over again since the semester kicked off. I've drank more than usual...I think it's my way of "breaking the rules" without actually breaking them.
Sometimes I worry about myself though. Like an out of body experience...I just kind of look myself over and shake my head as if to say "what the hell are you doing?
I was rejected again today. Another guy I feel for that doesnt like me back. Before I told him, he had mentioned that I'm not alone becaus everyone on the campus loves me since I would do anything for anyone...he's right. And it made me sick. Because SO FEW of those people would do anything for me. It used to make me happy helping people...I was helping the ones that needed it. The outcasts, the ones that no one else liked that I believed in. Now Im kind of a trader and I even help their enemies if I have to.
Why? It's now my "role" as a campus leader. I am leading a pack that I am no longer proud of. And there for I can no longer be proud of myself. Which is too bad...because I was the only one truley proud of myself to begin with.
So I ask, where do you go if you've lost yourself? Do you start again and act like the old you never exisited. Then again...the old me never got the guys...didnt trust anyone...and was never appreciated. So maybe I never changed at all. Perhaps Im just coming to another bittersweet realization. Another that I am not ready to face.
Sometimes I worry about myself though. Like an out of body experience...I just kind of look myself over and shake my head as if to say "what the hell are you doing?
I was rejected again today. Another guy I feel for that doesnt like me back. Before I told him, he had mentioned that I'm not alone becaus everyone on the campus loves me since I would do anything for anyone...he's right. And it made me sick. Because SO FEW of those people would do anything for me. It used to make me happy helping people...I was helping the ones that needed it. The outcasts, the ones that no one else liked that I believed in. Now Im kind of a trader and I even help their enemies if I have to.
Why? It's now my "role" as a campus leader. I am leading a pack that I am no longer proud of. And there for I can no longer be proud of myself. Which is too bad...because I was the only one truley proud of myself to begin with.
So I ask, where do you go if you've lost yourself? Do you start again and act like the old you never exisited. Then again...the old me never got the guys...didnt trust anyone...and was never appreciated. So maybe I never changed at all. Perhaps Im just coming to another bittersweet realization. Another that I am not ready to face.