Life
hmmmm, emotions are such weird things! I mean they vary from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds. As if hormonal, adolecent life isn't hard enuf to deal with ...BANG......lets add a whole variety of emotions for you to feel just to make u even more confused. Last weekend was a good one...Mark arranged to meet me on saturday nite...we went out had a real laugh and ended up at a romantic country pub....sat there chatting in the candle light for ages (everything was how i wanted it to be) and i felt content for a while, the first time in ages with all the stuff thats been happening with mum an all. Went back to his and fell asleep cuddling, 3am his phone rings.....its his bro and sis in law needing a lift...so he leaves to pick them up. He left his phone behind and it started to ring.....so i flipped it up to cancel tha call as i was trying to sleep.
A message appearred on his phone which was rather suggestive.....OMG.....he is seeing someone else too.....so i went thru his phone and read the otha messages.....thing is they were all from a girl of the same name as his sis in law (he has never mentioned another girl of this name) Then things started to add up....y he never introduced me to them.....ive met everyone else but them......how he got that massive scratch on his back......why he pushes me away if i get carried away and nearly give him a hickey (apparently he could get a warning from work.......?????huh???)and also y im not his g/f "just a bit of fun" as he so nicely put it.....coz he wants to have his cake and eat it! strangely i didnt feel anything....just numb....i don't have tha energy to fight anymore....i can't cry anymore i don't have any tears left. Anyway he drops me back on sunday afternoon....get a tx that nite sayin thx for a great time....thats confuses me as he has never done that b4...thanked me....4 wot????
anyway the week goes by and i don't tx or call him and vice versa. i went to work this friday only to finish and find 5 missed calls from him....2 voice messages....and a txt. the first voice message was a "hi wot u up to? fancy a drink" the second was a slurred "ok well its obv ur with sumone else, so take care...see ya round" HOW FUCKING DARE HE!!!!! i was sooooo mad i mean yeh i wish i was out getting pissed having fun but no i had to work. i used to try for days to get hold of him with no luck....but i never got mad....he tries for 3 hours and gets fucked off!!! Rang him back but signal cut off....good job as i didnt have the time to explode...so think its a good thing.
He rang me on saturday....
him:hey lets meet tonite!!!
me:err sorry im out with the girls....
him:oh ok, wot bout sunday eve?
me:yeh but depends wot time i get back from my friends
him:ok well i'll call u
i was out with terri...and he rang....i missed his call, not on perpose tho and he leaves a message "hope ur havin a good time babe..errmm yeh well can't wait to c u tomorrow" WTF???? was he checking up on me? did he miss me??? what did he really want??? was he annoyed that i was enjoying myself and he wasnt?? oh well i didnt care...i was mashed! He rang about half 6 tha next night saying he'll pick me up at half 7...ok fine sounds good to me. 8pm he calls "sorry im late just bout to leave now" WOT??? why was he calling...he's always late and has never rang b4!! Hmmm strange. anyway we went out....had a drink and a laugh, i had no cred and needed to use his fone....he handed it to me and as i opened it there was a message from her on there!!
I handed tha fone back and he read it....i didnt say a word....but i got this stabbing feeling in my heart and i felt as though it wasn't just the two of us on this date....she mite as well of bin there too. we got home and he said he was knackered, so i blurted out " yeh im not surprised if ur getting it elsewhere" ....he just looked at me "where would i get the time to see someone else?" (me thinking: errr how bout every nite in the week that i dont see u.....not to mention the weekends i don't see u too) i just kept quiet but stared at him. I hope the bastard was sqwirming inside. and even during the most intimate times in our relationship...i feel nothing....just ice cold....discust at myself fo letting him do this to me.
I fell for him...and he hurt me....so i put up a barrier. but now i feel like a bitch coz i feel nothing for him. Except for the time im with him.....i feel like i belong.....to what or who i dont know...but i belong!!! and i know its sad but i can't say goodbye coz i dont wanna be on my own anymore.
All this teenage angst....i miss all my mates that have gone to uni......i miss my friends who have moved up in the world......i miss my dad.....i miss my mum (she isn't the same person anymore) i miss myself.....my personality has changed alot lately... and i think my explanation of y im doin this to myself is that im clinging onto anything that crosses my path (MARK) because im frightened of change.....i want things to stay normal for a while!!!
Ok, OK, OK ranting and raving and waffling now over!!!!
A message appearred on his phone which was rather suggestive.....OMG.....he is seeing someone else too.....so i went thru his phone and read the otha messages.....thing is they were all from a girl of the same name as his sis in law (he has never mentioned another girl of this name) Then things started to add up....y he never introduced me to them.....ive met everyone else but them......how he got that massive scratch on his back......why he pushes me away if i get carried away and nearly give him a hickey (apparently he could get a warning from work.......?????huh???)and also y im not his g/f "just a bit of fun" as he so nicely put it.....coz he wants to have his cake and eat it! strangely i didnt feel anything....just numb....i don't have tha energy to fight anymore....i can't cry anymore i don't have any tears left. Anyway he drops me back on sunday afternoon....get a tx that nite sayin thx for a great time....thats confuses me as he has never done that b4...thanked me....4 wot????
anyway the week goes by and i don't tx or call him and vice versa. i went to work this friday only to finish and find 5 missed calls from him....2 voice messages....and a txt. the first voice message was a "hi wot u up to? fancy a drink" the second was a slurred "ok well its obv ur with sumone else, so take care...see ya round" HOW FUCKING DARE HE!!!!! i was sooooo mad i mean yeh i wish i was out getting pissed having fun but no i had to work. i used to try for days to get hold of him with no luck....but i never got mad....he tries for 3 hours and gets fucked off!!! Rang him back but signal cut off....good job as i didnt have the time to explode...so think its a good thing.
He rang me on saturday....
him:hey lets meet tonite!!!
me:err sorry im out with the girls....
him:oh ok, wot bout sunday eve?
me:yeh but depends wot time i get back from my friends
him:ok well i'll call u
i was out with terri...and he rang....i missed his call, not on perpose tho and he leaves a message "hope ur havin a good time babe..errmm yeh well can't wait to c u tomorrow" WTF???? was he checking up on me? did he miss me??? what did he really want??? was he annoyed that i was enjoying myself and he wasnt?? oh well i didnt care...i was mashed! He rang about half 6 tha next night saying he'll pick me up at half 7...ok fine sounds good to me. 8pm he calls "sorry im late just bout to leave now" WOT??? why was he calling...he's always late and has never rang b4!! Hmmm strange. anyway we went out....had a drink and a laugh, i had no cred and needed to use his fone....he handed it to me and as i opened it there was a message from her on there!!
I handed tha fone back and he read it....i didnt say a word....but i got this stabbing feeling in my heart and i felt as though it wasn't just the two of us on this date....she mite as well of bin there too. we got home and he said he was knackered, so i blurted out " yeh im not surprised if ur getting it elsewhere" ....he just looked at me "where would i get the time to see someone else?" (me thinking: errr how bout every nite in the week that i dont see u.....not to mention the weekends i don't see u too) i just kept quiet but stared at him. I hope the bastard was sqwirming inside. and even during the most intimate times in our relationship...i feel nothing....just ice cold....discust at myself fo letting him do this to me.
I fell for him...and he hurt me....so i put up a barrier. but now i feel like a bitch coz i feel nothing for him. Except for the time im with him.....i feel like i belong.....to what or who i dont know...but i belong!!! and i know its sad but i can't say goodbye coz i dont wanna be on my own anymore.
All this teenage angst....i miss all my mates that have gone to uni......i miss my friends who have moved up in the world......i miss my dad.....i miss my mum (she isn't the same person anymore) i miss myself.....my personality has changed alot lately... and i think my explanation of y im doin this to myself is that im clinging onto anything that crosses my path (MARK) because im frightened of change.....i want things to stay normal for a while!!!
Ok, OK, OK ranting and raving and waffling now over!!!!