As lead rains.
What if you were right?
I feel like i've been treading a very delicate line between reality and.. non-reality. Looking back on things, it all feels so.. hazy. Like a fast fading dream that lingers on the edge of your consciousness, but all it takes is one minute trigger.. and you're overwhelmed by recognition.
What gets me is this heavy blanket of.. apathy? I've felt so numb this whole time and i'm terrified my mind hasn't caught up to the events that have passed around me, or even stranger yet.. that i've been left indifferent. Some nights I entertain the sharp pangs of the warmer memories just to see if it elicits any response, and it works.. but why didn't they consume me in the beginning? Have I become that emotionally dead that i've just stopped.. feeling?
Is it possible to be so ruined.. your subconscious so torn by shock that the only noticeable sign is just.. nothing? It happens with the physical body, a sudden shock to the system renders you pretty much motionless.. I don't think my theory is too far-fetched.
But how does it heal? Does time play the savior, or am I supposed to be searching out something more. There's always the cliche "Do what makes you happy" advice that's so easily tossed out.. but what if you don't know? What if there's no spark of passion, no flutter of joy at any particular idea.
Neutral. Indifferent. I guess when everything gets wiped clean in an instant, you're left scrambling to remember what it was exactly that made you.. you. And I guess that's just it, without that solid knowledge how do you expect to introduce yourself if even you don't know who you are? It kills me to think people miss who I think I really am, or.. how everyone has seemed to believe me this whole time. I don't think i'm that good of an actress, really.
I haven't let a lot of this out, and this seems like the healthiest way to do it. It's not like anyone actually reads this.. and what do I have to hide anymore? Despite being a very quiet person lately i'm also so much more open, and willing to be honest. Not that I was ever a dishonest person.. but why hide emotion.
I kind of feel pacified already.. I just wish my ups were a bit more substantial.
I feel like i've been treading a very delicate line between reality and.. non-reality. Looking back on things, it all feels so.. hazy. Like a fast fading dream that lingers on the edge of your consciousness, but all it takes is one minute trigger.. and you're overwhelmed by recognition.
What gets me is this heavy blanket of.. apathy? I've felt so numb this whole time and i'm terrified my mind hasn't caught up to the events that have passed around me, or even stranger yet.. that i've been left indifferent. Some nights I entertain the sharp pangs of the warmer memories just to see if it elicits any response, and it works.. but why didn't they consume me in the beginning? Have I become that emotionally dead that i've just stopped.. feeling?
Is it possible to be so ruined.. your subconscious so torn by shock that the only noticeable sign is just.. nothing? It happens with the physical body, a sudden shock to the system renders you pretty much motionless.. I don't think my theory is too far-fetched.
But how does it heal? Does time play the savior, or am I supposed to be searching out something more. There's always the cliche "Do what makes you happy" advice that's so easily tossed out.. but what if you don't know? What if there's no spark of passion, no flutter of joy at any particular idea.
Neutral. Indifferent. I guess when everything gets wiped clean in an instant, you're left scrambling to remember what it was exactly that made you.. you. And I guess that's just it, without that solid knowledge how do you expect to introduce yourself if even you don't know who you are? It kills me to think people miss who I think I really am, or.. how everyone has seemed to believe me this whole time. I don't think i'm that good of an actress, really.
I haven't let a lot of this out, and this seems like the healthiest way to do it. It's not like anyone actually reads this.. and what do I have to hide anymore? Despite being a very quiet person lately i'm also so much more open, and willing to be honest. Not that I was ever a dishonest person.. but why hide emotion.
I kind of feel pacified already.. I just wish my ups were a bit more substantial.