I get that this is a bridge that sets up other scenes in a longer piece. I think you need to do a lot more tweaking. I think you're a talented writer. I realize my critiques below may seem harsh, but they're actually a compliment because I don't waste my time critiquing writers whom I don't think are really talented.
And with that throat-clearing out of the way...
If the other scenes you're setting up involve Susan,, you need to tease out the Susan/Regina affinity much more graphically. This is more of a setup for a relationship between Gerard and Regina. Maybe that was your intent? But if so, then the whole "And that's how Gina met her best friend," feels coy. (I get that the TV show How I Met Your Mother has popularized the whole notion of narratives whose ostensible point is a mere footnote to the actual action, but I'm not sure that approach works in written narrative.)
If Regina is so unworldly -- or other-worldly -- that she doesn't know what date rape is, it seems unlikely that she'd take such umbrage at breakfast table rudeness. For me, this doesn't ring true. Other readers may well have a different reaction.
Plus, there are a lot of word choices in this that are pushing me out of the room:
violated by puberty... Ouch! Particularly given the date rape subtext of the story.
Regina's physical condition was more pristine than his... "Pristine" means in something's original condition, so this sentence really makes no sense at all.
The strange metamorphosis of "Regina" into "Gina" in the last sentence -- I get that hte subtext is the intimate nature of the friendship that is about to grow up between Susan and Regina, but it has the effect of making this reader wonder, "Gina? Who the fuck is Gina? Did I miss a character somewhere?"
And with that throat-clearing out of the way...
If the other scenes you're setting up involve Susan,, you need to tease out the Susan/Regina affinity much more graphically. This is more of a setup for a relationship between Gerard and Regina. Maybe that was your intent? But if so, then the whole "And that's how Gina met her best friend," feels coy. (I get that the TV show How I Met Your Mother has popularized the whole notion of narratives whose ostensible point is a mere footnote to the actual action, but I'm not sure that approach works in written narrative.)
If Regina is so unworldly -- or other-worldly -- that she doesn't know what date rape is, it seems unlikely that she'd take such umbrage at breakfast table rudeness. For me, this doesn't ring true. Other readers may well have a different reaction.
Plus, there are a lot of word choices in this that are pushing me out of the room:
violated by puberty... Ouch! Particularly given the date rape subtext of the story.
Regina's physical condition was more pristine than his... "Pristine" means in something's original condition, so this sentence really makes no sense at all.
The strange metamorphosis of "Regina" into "Gina" in the last sentence -- I get that hte subtext is the intimate nature of the friendship that is about to grow up between Susan and Regina, but it has the effect of making this reader wonder, "Gina? Who the fuck is Gina? Did I miss a character somewhere?"
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