Too Much of a Good Thing
Want to know how to sound like the biggest asshole in America in 2011 at the height of a recession, record unemployment, rollbacks on women's and voter's rights, and a government fueled entirely by nastiness? I'll show you:
I'm a freelance illustrator and editor who gets to work from home, and I love what I do. I can go to the gym whenever I want, I get to take naps if I need to, and I get to read and draw pictures for money, and I am really, really good at it. Somehow, in one of the worst recessions in history--hell, it's practically a depression--business is booming. And all of this is making me miserable.
I didn't used to be very good about using my time wisely. Some of this is because I was just a born procrastinator. My teachers always said it was because I was too smart and I was bored in class. My doctor thinks I might be ADD. I just tend to think of myself lazy. And then, mix that up with depression, which makes me not want to do anything, and manic episodes, which make me not give a fuck, it's a wonder I'm not homeless.
Yet I persevered. And now, as I've got two illustrations due the first week in January, and an endless string after that, and a possible move to a new apartment sometime late winter/early spring, there is no rest in sight.
When my wife and I set up this working-from-home situation, the idea was, I'd supplement our income with the occasional edit and drawing, and use the rest of the time to cook, clean, do laundry, and pursue my hobbies--readin', writin', and doodlin'. When I was ill, I was never very good about accomplishing these things. Now that I am a lot better, I am not good at accomplishing these things. I have an excuse, but that doesn't matter to me, because I am not accomplishing these things. I love to cook, and I can't remember the last time I got to spend an afternoon in the kitchen. I (believe it or not) take a great deal of satisfaction out of cleaning and doing laundry, and now everything just clutters and piles up. I've started three different drawings, and they sit, unfinished, burning holes in two separate sketchbooks. Worst of all, I had great ideas to Home Game for LJ Idol; I've got an idea and some notes for every topic already posted, and they're still just ideas and notes. I've got all these itches to scratch, and I can't reach.
When I was depressed, I watched my creative desires drift away. When I was manic, I turned my back on my creative desires. Today, I'm running to keep up with two jobs I love, and those desires just can't seem to keep up with me. I'm so tired.
I know that I am not going through anything new. Hell, I know that I have been nothing short of blessed that I got to spend as much time with my hobbies over these last couple of years when so many have had to give them up a long time ago for a jillion reasons. And so, after a deep breath, I'll just put all these things into perspective and get back to work. Thus concludes my whine.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is how to sound like the biggest asshole in 2011.