Wow... look into my past
Master forwarded all of our old mails to me, as my repeated brilliant moves with the puter's meant that all of our early correspondence went "poof" in my files (thank GOD He has a good server to keep them on and the smarts to save them in 2 places and be redundant).
So i am reading them..and i feel so very very very good. Amazing.
i was open with Him- i was unshielded. It was before we actually MET- but we were already in sync, already had the Universe running interfearance for us to be together. i was.... well, it's been 4 years, and there isn't a thing that i would take back, not a thing that i wrote that isn't still just as pertinent.
i *hope* He won't mind that i share part of one of them. I'll italicize the old letter so my comments *now* are easy to read. And color code (anal retentive girl is in the building!).
From: I999shadow@aol.com
To: strong_eagle@hotmail.com
Subject: Friday heat- trying to finish the letter
Date: Fri, 30 May 2003 12:13:59 EDT
In a message dated 5/30/03 6:08:57 AM, strong_eagle@hotmail.com writes:
Good Morning!
Hope you came good for me!
My puter keeps freezing looses connection} so you may recieve more than one greeting
>More than one is always good... although i must admit last night i fell asleep before i got to cum..
>
>i owe you one.
>
>
>i realized last night that i called you Sir without permission..i am sorry and will be patient until i hear otherwise. Same with capitalizations... i tend to slide into liberties too easily. Please forgive.
>
>Thank you so much for all the time last night...esp. since you were doing single duty at home.
(this is in reference to us being on the phone for upwards of an hour the night before even though He was home alone with His 9 & 11 year olds).
>
>i was fantasizing about that first long private play date.... the getting to find out my weaknesses, poking at the hot spots, inhaling my scent, me hearing that *tone*... the way you say "meat"... the insistence.... the casual assurance as i am used...
i had forgotten until re-reading this that He had called me MEAT even before we met in person that day--- He began while we were learning of each other on the phone.
> Running Amuck..
> Amok can be very satisfying in a cabin in the mnts for 3 days with several bottles of wine, a trunk of food, and snow. It does not have to include happily ever after... just happy with the occasional amuck:)
THIS was a fantasy He gave me that first winter--- He took me away to Tahoe without telling me anything (except bring a coat- but hey! It was winter!). i will never forget the view of the snow off our bedroom balcony overlooking the mountains. That might have been the best vacation night of my entire life.
> The average amuck, by the way, lasts 24 hours and includes a certain amount of discussion as well as a great deal of satisfaction...
> When amocked regularly, most adult males report an increase enjoyment of life and a spring in their step:)
>
> Long old fantasy.. getting out of the car in the dark at the restaurant in the far end of the lot, and suddenly having my head slammed forward into the hood of the warm (clean) car hood as my Owner pulls up my skirt and fucks me without a sound, without a question.. his need immediate and complete within a few moments pleasure, the semen sliding down my things as i stand up afterwards and arrange my self to proceed in on his arm for dinner with friends.
Here is another rememberance of once we were together-- the semen thing in particular happened in the parking lot of a FAMILY style restaurant on a Sunday morning!
>
> Knowing that i am pet/property, and that at any moment- no matter how decorous, that hand could appear in my hair to pull me back, kiss me, slap me, force me to my knees to have my face fucked.. that is real. That is important.
>
>
> Remember those commercials that were for old spice with the tag line "Confidence is very sexy?". They were right. Confident men turn me on no end.. but not that arrogant thing- not that "i have an agenda and any woman- you- will fit just as nicely".. nope- those men all got the boot.
> It's that way of being confident from learning *me*, and me knowing that i can lean, can say anything, can divulge everything inside, and as long as i keep that respectful reminder of my place, i can be *everything* inside.
>
> To a lover/play partner/ dominant/ Master/Owner, i would rather die than ever either lie or even HIDE something inside me that i saw/ felt. Strangely, one of the great things i learned in the last 2 years was that the things that i *instinctual* thought were not things my partner wanted to hear were EXACTLY what he wanted to know- and needed to know.
i think that is one of those "flags" of a new submissve/slave- they are still thinking in vanilla about how gross things should be hidden, body ownership is still high, and they have not yet shed those social niceities.
> i hate to nitpick unless its like directions on how to do something (everyone has a certain way the towels get hung, or the knives get put away). But rules- especially in the D/s, M/s O/p area, are part and parcel of what we love about this-- the rituals, the thinks that keep this above and outside of mainstream vanilla relationships. The paying attention- the “giving†of one’s best efforts- are very important to me.
> while i can assist in topping, help my owner, or goof off with a friend, none of that in and of itself gets my clit wet...i really don't have a sexually dominant thing going. i LOVE having the right femtop play with me, and can share with another sub as well..
>Women... they have lovely nipples to suck, and wonderful curves to hug, deep breasts to lean into and fall asleep with, and wet, warm neither lips that feel so good against the tongue, fingers rubbing in them, sliding them to sweet release. i would die if i could never feel that again.
>For a while, i was sure that the sub toy heart had been so damaged that i couldn't ever let *go* with a man again...
>i still don't know how far i can travel down those old paths.
This was in reference to my previous (and first- and only other ) relationship in M/s scene- it had ended badly, and my personal world was heavily damaged (along with my finances... he still owes me i ended up being out FIVE THOUSAND dollars over the course of the 2 years-- yes, i did write it all down), and while i am NOW glad as hell that it happened... for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that i went from a NEWBIE that i don't think would have gravitated to Master into a mature slave that really understood both her heart AND the heavy commitment for life that i was making.
Now, looking back (hell, even then) i was grateful for the negotiation learning, the play, the dungeon time, the beginnings of sorting out the slave in me from the independent woman that had built up all those shells and walls and "fake outs". But i digress....
>i didn't know i HAD a toy in me when i got started in this...it is, in part, a creation of my ex, a making real of something inside me (like the velveteen rabbit) and i will always treasure that time when it happened, and pull away from the realities i lived through at the end..
>so...
> how do i say that part of me really wants to move slow so that i don't look like some easy slut, or mess up when part of me is hungry and tired of being alone and has hit that erotic spark and wants to dive in and ignore the protocols?
>Having to think and weigh things out and do that *game* stuff of vanilla land over small things is not something i want to do anymore.
i have learnt that i do not play casually, do not "date" well, and do not have a lot of "nicey-nice" in me. If it works, i am wanting to ROLL around in it. Totally.
>When something is on my mind, or a want or a need, i hope i can voice that (appropriately and with respect of course) without having to weight the pros and cons of what it might mean or do to a relationship. i want my partner to be secure enough that ego is not an issue.
OH God thank You , thank You , thank You for sending Master to me. 4 years and i don't have to screen my feelings, weigh someone else's possible replys, or worry about having to hide the things inside that have been screaming to get out my whole life (but afraid as all hell that they would be rejected, ignored, laughed at, misunderstood, forgotten, put away, sloughed off, undermined, used against me, told to others, not appreciated, not acted on... i dont censor myself with internal worries about how my brain will be received. i trust Him. i trust Him to know that my bad thoughts aren't mean, that my pain isn't stupid or dramatic overload, that my fears aren't childish or dangerous. i trust Him the way i never even trusted my mom (and if you knew me, you would know that as far as i am concerned, she was a saint and someone who loved me more than anything else, herself, my sister, anyone), and yes, it took about 3 years to finish punching through those trust levels (i won't say He and i are done-- couples find places and things inside them that they do not even KNOW they are carrying, and we backslide, and we protect people when we should let them see all of our bloody bits) with Master- but He has never let me down in our lives.
> D/s is of itself the most wondrous of relationships, the ebb and flow, both overt and covert of the PE. So much can happen between two in tuned people right under the noses of the most respectful settings. Sometimes that foreplay of inability to completely express in public is the *best* way to start an evening... or a weekend.
> i am careful about some things, and will always follow the "prime directive" (unless you say otherwise)- which is that the property's first job is to take care of the property for owner- even if that means pulling away from owner to do so, even if that means taking BACK authority when the property is in danger of emotional or mental pain beyond the reasonable point (which is the rule i had to invoke with my ex- i had to take back what i gave when i felt the beginnings of sub toy hearts death).
4 years later? i can't take back anymore. i kept that ability for about 2.5 years- at our public collaring ceremony, those 'bonds' dissolved, and sometime after that (who knows.... who knows where the time goes, who knows where my love grows?) i quit worrying about myself, future, etc.., started putting my thoughts into total service to MAster (yeah- even loving my son has become entwined in that, and God help me, i don't know how i could ever choose between them anymore-- that *used* to be so obvious, so simple... but luckily, my son -almost 14- also sees the changes in me, in how i am, and has 'casually' said things to the effect of "it's OK if we move out/if things change... you need to be loved").
Does that freak me out? Nope. It USED TO- it was this alien concept (sort of like the first time i figured out that i LIKE rough sex... the first time i ran head long into the fact that i wasn't a submissve (which seemed safe and sane in my head... a description of an attitude with a partner) and was a slave heart (which screamed abuse and abandonment of my feminist agenda and a lack of self respect and a doormat mentality and all kinds of negative horrors... foolish me!)... the first time i realized that i wasn't afraid every moment about the future, about being safe and taken care of in my old age.... (i recently realized that i have to write up a power of medical attorney again.... my spouse has NEVER been my choice- he has misinterpreted every thing i ever wanted... Aspbergers apparently is the base cause of that... so for my whole adult life my best friend Teri had that. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 5 years ago...and we thought we would lose her- God also stepped in there and saved her- she was so far along her odds were less than 1%, but she is 100% today... but she is also under that pressure and possibly might not be here... so i am rewriting it so that Master has that power-- He knows exactly what i want, and i trust Him with my life-- literally!)....
So, i wonder, how many people in the WORLD are so safe inside that they don't need to worry about that stuff, that they don't constantly ask for info and double check their retirement funds and panic over where they will end up? i am blessed.... i know, in my heart, that all that is destiny.
> For me, personally (although i have hear it from a LOT of women), when i am the responsible fuck up/ have pissed my Owner off, the worst possible punishment is to be shunned and not spoken to.
> It hurts more than anything.
> It makes it impossible for me to *do* anything to fix things, as well as making me feel so AWESOMELY alone that i might as just well not exist. Its a wiping out of security, a removal of protection when most men do that.. because they physically pull away as well.
> The best way i ever read that a couple worked that out was that he would physically hold/stroke her- he would refuse to talk about it while upset, but they could watch television or other non-specific stuff. He got the mental cool down time, but she did not feel abandoned.
>
> a dear member of my leather family wrote this on another list about her heart:
> >>>.i recently posted about finding a partner through the internet...and for me that is the time to learn about the other person...to look at each others politics, goals, and kinks - to see if there is enough common ground...because, alas, i am a very sexual being...and once in the presence of one who's chemistry stands up to mine, all is lost...i am theirs, at least until i wake up and realize that's all there was... So, for me..slow dating, courtship rituals, seduction, even...all amount to nothing if i am in your presence and you turn me on...for that reason alone, even though i have listed many others, i need the "courtship" to happen before we actually meet. Note: this is not to say that is all the other stuff seems like it might work, that the chemistry will work - it doesn't, not even most of the time..last count: 15 first dates, one Master...course that's all i need. happily enslaved,
>alison<<<<
Alison and i have been through a lot together these last 4 years.... Her (now) husband and Master and i have spent time together, and they have mutated their lives to work around his dysfunctional ex spouse and 2 kids with no power from the courts, finances falling,, and a host of other things-- yet she loves him more now, and he loves her. Things were damned dark for them for a while-- so instead of doing the 'smart' thing, they jumped head long into each other's hearts... so far, so good. can't ask better than that.
> she and i have that in common- the "knowing" when we are in the presence of one we are going to belong to.
> i look forward to enhancing Your life (and XXX's... all of us) - and my own in that process. i look forward to the moment when You feel free to let Your needs totally loose upon me without fear or calculation or worry or thought- and i look forward to hearing Your voice again, and reading Your next letter to me, and feeling Your breath on my skin in the dark.
> Damn- don't want much, do i?
> Well- that's the morning's thoughts.
> Today i am going to the DMV for a new license, the bank for the bills, return videos, pick son up slightly early from school so i can make a 2pm nail appt, help him with homework, water the yards, laundry, clean bathroom, check on hamster (who's room took 1.5 hours to clean yesterday), vacuum the boys room, and take a look at what i can do tonight...
>
> i was really happy and surprised to hear that DA was overnighting with her boy last night... it never occurred to me that you both are so good at this that she can take off on weeknights and you are the single parent...i love that. Its a respect, a fairness, a sharing that i also get from my spouse, and very very few people have understood it. They look at me funny when i tell them that i can take off overnight (or longer occasionally), and the boys have the house to themselves.
My darling son actually LOVES it when i am gone now--- no rules! He gets away with murder (although lately he has actually been acting more responsibly than i thought possible-- going to bed by 10- not sneaking up to watch TV, doing his HOMEWORK even if i am not home breathing down his neck, reading again, getting up without screaming fits..... Master in our lives has helped him sooo much too!).
> Folsom, that is the "roll in it" time for me.... living the life 24/7 for upwards of 5 days with community... addressing everyone with protocols as needed, keeping on the symbols of my status, wearing only the minimum clothing needed for social preservation, and walking proudly through my family- the larger leather family- with my heart openly showing where my cunt and my mind are.
NOW, 4 years later, i have somehow passed through the 'veil' from scene person to leadership to... who knows. But i walk that way all the time, think that way all the time (being vanilla HURTS to try to stay in t he fake-ness of it, the false mask social perameters biting at me and showing me such hypocracy that i do it in small doses now)... i slip seemlessly between my gay leather friends, National leadership, local politics, our little boutique group--- i have no idea how it happened, no reason to think i am different or better or worse or know more... but something changed, and everything is just easy now. It's Master probably-- it's my slave heart having found home.
> The first year i went, and worked, both my ex and i were volunteers so we could get in free....(i love doing things and we aren't dirt poor, but its unfair of me to not do my best to keep the costs of what i do down... part of why i buy great clothes- since spouse loves them too- but not too many toys).i did a lot of work in advance, but XXX signed up for dungeon work and missed all the classes Sat... he was really upset about that, but he didn't think the job through. Sunday i had lots of free time until bus loading, and we were doing good until i got heat stroke..
> i wont be recovering from that ever again... the docs say once you have that, your thermostat is forever suspect, and you need to be very careful to not sit in hot tubs too long, or be out in heat without help/backup... cause you never know when the over-heat will hit and you will shut down.
> Last year, i had everything ready, moved in Thurs, and got it all organized so we could spend Thur-Fri-sat and sun there at hotel, but we were already close to the end and tensions ran high...
> i had all day Fri to just have fun, check in with folks, and my people ran things like clockwork, so i was helping out with other issues, running interference so people could do things without interruptions from a problem we had, and trying to make master as happy as possible under the strain.
> Sat i had the whole day free, but he had plans to stick with his new toy so he missed me being interrogation dummy when they asked me to for a class in am (she was demo for caning class and he wanted to take her there... i was kewl with it), but then the day deteriorated.
> Sun with the buses i do have to get up early and make sure they get off on time, and once at Folsom (i always ride the last bus up) i have walkie talkie and "direct" the stuff long distance... its not very intrusive, but it is distracting if you want to have total attention all the time..
> This year i will have it even further refined... so that there is nothing i have to show up for other than Sun am (and some special entertainment's i am personally handling) ....and when needed, i am free... and when not needed, i will do what i do best- fill in, pitch hit, fix immediate problems... i am very good at a "roving o-ordinator" status, making sure things are OK, seeing problems and fixing them on the fly... and we have more of a team this year and less of a dictatorship.
> Pirates... taking what we want... outside the law... living on our own on the high seas and the wild places.... thieves and cut throats with our own code that no one but our own band need know. i love this.
> Well. i am sure i have bent your ear more than enough.. and so i will leave now.. get on with my other mail, my day, phone calls, and taking care of business... so that tonight i can goof...and plan for Sunday morning.
>
>hugs to you
>shadow
>
Well, that is my past-- from even BEFORE i laid eyes on Him, when i was still trying to put into words what i needed. Before i even KNEW what i needed really. Right now, i have to maintain things, take care of my family as service to Master, work on moving forward for us. Handle MAsT when He isn't around... enjoy Southern Cross, laugh at all the political machinations of the petty power mongers around here (the bay area is a hot bed of people trying to BE someone--- but since they have no souls, they will never get that place... the ex pres of smO found that out--- she put herself up as the Queen- and now can't show her face since we found out how she mangled the org. and hid it behind walls of secrecy and power grabbing).
My present is losing weight (about 8 lbs in the last month) cleaning house (i will have that done in 5050), steering my son though Jr. High (he is getting GOOD at understanding himself, my darling boy), finances (hey- who needs money when you have love?), and taking care of Master no matter where He is or what He is doing... even the psychic energy of morning hugs when i wake up are important.
My blogspot top entry says that (Clip of Beatles singing "She Loves You").
Good morning Thursday!!!
Thank you God, mom, and Master.
(thank you again for the great pic!!!)
So i am reading them..and i feel so very very very good. Amazing.
i was open with Him- i was unshielded. It was before we actually MET- but we were already in sync, already had the Universe running interfearance for us to be together. i was.... well, it's been 4 years, and there isn't a thing that i would take back, not a thing that i wrote that isn't still just as pertinent.
i *hope* He won't mind that i share part of one of them. I'll italicize the old letter so my comments *now* are easy to read. And color code (anal retentive girl is in the building!).
From: I999shadow@aol.com
To: strong_eagle@hotmail.com
Subject: Friday heat- trying to finish the letter
Date: Fri, 30 May 2003 12:13:59 EDT
In a message dated 5/30/03 6:08:57 AM, strong_eagle@hotmail.com writes:
Good Morning!
Hope you came good for me!
My puter keeps freezing looses connection} so you may recieve more than one greeting
>More than one is always good... although i must admit last night i fell asleep before i got to cum..
>
>i owe you one.
>
>
>i realized last night that i called you Sir without permission..i am sorry and will be patient until i hear otherwise. Same with capitalizations... i tend to slide into liberties too easily. Please forgive.
>
>Thank you so much for all the time last night...esp. since you were doing single duty at home.
(this is in reference to us being on the phone for upwards of an hour the night before even though He was home alone with His 9 & 11 year olds).
>
>i was fantasizing about that first long private play date.... the getting to find out my weaknesses, poking at the hot spots, inhaling my scent, me hearing that *tone*... the way you say "meat"... the insistence.... the casual assurance as i am used...
i had forgotten until re-reading this that He had called me MEAT even before we met in person that day--- He began while we were learning of each other on the phone.
> Running Amuck..
> Amok can be very satisfying in a cabin in the mnts for 3 days with several bottles of wine, a trunk of food, and snow. It does not have to include happily ever after... just happy with the occasional amuck:)
THIS was a fantasy He gave me that first winter--- He took me away to Tahoe without telling me anything (except bring a coat- but hey! It was winter!). i will never forget the view of the snow off our bedroom balcony overlooking the mountains. That might have been the best vacation night of my entire life.
> The average amuck, by the way, lasts 24 hours and includes a certain amount of discussion as well as a great deal of satisfaction...
> When amocked regularly, most adult males report an increase enjoyment of life and a spring in their step:)
>
> Long old fantasy.. getting out of the car in the dark at the restaurant in the far end of the lot, and suddenly having my head slammed forward into the hood of the warm (clean) car hood as my Owner pulls up my skirt and fucks me without a sound, without a question.. his need immediate and complete within a few moments pleasure, the semen sliding down my things as i stand up afterwards and arrange my self to proceed in on his arm for dinner with friends.
Here is another rememberance of once we were together-- the semen thing in particular happened in the parking lot of a FAMILY style restaurant on a Sunday morning!
>
> Knowing that i am pet/property, and that at any moment- no matter how decorous, that hand could appear in my hair to pull me back, kiss me, slap me, force me to my knees to have my face fucked.. that is real. That is important.
>
>
> Remember those commercials that were for old spice with the tag line "Confidence is very sexy?". They were right. Confident men turn me on no end.. but not that arrogant thing- not that "i have an agenda and any woman- you- will fit just as nicely".. nope- those men all got the boot.
> It's that way of being confident from learning *me*, and me knowing that i can lean, can say anything, can divulge everything inside, and as long as i keep that respectful reminder of my place, i can be *everything* inside.
>
> To a lover/play partner/ dominant/ Master/Owner, i would rather die than ever either lie or even HIDE something inside me that i saw/ felt. Strangely, one of the great things i learned in the last 2 years was that the things that i *instinctual* thought were not things my partner wanted to hear were EXACTLY what he wanted to know- and needed to know.
i think that is one of those "flags" of a new submissve/slave- they are still thinking in vanilla about how gross things should be hidden, body ownership is still high, and they have not yet shed those social niceities.
> i hate to nitpick unless its like directions on how to do something (everyone has a certain way the towels get hung, or the knives get put away). But rules- especially in the D/s, M/s O/p area, are part and parcel of what we love about this-- the rituals, the thinks that keep this above and outside of mainstream vanilla relationships. The paying attention- the “giving†of one’s best efforts- are very important to me.
> while i can assist in topping, help my owner, or goof off with a friend, none of that in and of itself gets my clit wet...i really don't have a sexually dominant thing going. i LOVE having the right femtop play with me, and can share with another sub as well..
>Women... they have lovely nipples to suck, and wonderful curves to hug, deep breasts to lean into and fall asleep with, and wet, warm neither lips that feel so good against the tongue, fingers rubbing in them, sliding them to sweet release. i would die if i could never feel that again.
>For a while, i was sure that the sub toy heart had been so damaged that i couldn't ever let *go* with a man again...
>i still don't know how far i can travel down those old paths.
This was in reference to my previous (and first- and only other ) relationship in M/s scene- it had ended badly, and my personal world was heavily damaged (along with my finances... he still owes me i ended up being out FIVE THOUSAND dollars over the course of the 2 years-- yes, i did write it all down), and while i am NOW glad as hell that it happened... for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that i went from a NEWBIE that i don't think would have gravitated to Master into a mature slave that really understood both her heart AND the heavy commitment for life that i was making.
Now, looking back (hell, even then) i was grateful for the negotiation learning, the play, the dungeon time, the beginnings of sorting out the slave in me from the independent woman that had built up all those shells and walls and "fake outs". But i digress....
>i didn't know i HAD a toy in me when i got started in this...it is, in part, a creation of my ex, a making real of something inside me (like the velveteen rabbit) and i will always treasure that time when it happened, and pull away from the realities i lived through at the end..
>so...
> how do i say that part of me really wants to move slow so that i don't look like some easy slut, or mess up when part of me is hungry and tired of being alone and has hit that erotic spark and wants to dive in and ignore the protocols?
>Having to think and weigh things out and do that *game* stuff of vanilla land over small things is not something i want to do anymore.
i have learnt that i do not play casually, do not "date" well, and do not have a lot of "nicey-nice" in me. If it works, i am wanting to ROLL around in it. Totally.
>When something is on my mind, or a want or a need, i hope i can voice that (appropriately and with respect of course) without having to weight the pros and cons of what it might mean or do to a relationship. i want my partner to be secure enough that ego is not an issue.
OH God thank You , thank You , thank You for sending Master to me. 4 years and i don't have to screen my feelings, weigh someone else's possible replys, or worry about having to hide the things inside that have been screaming to get out my whole life (but afraid as all hell that they would be rejected, ignored, laughed at, misunderstood, forgotten, put away, sloughed off, undermined, used against me, told to others, not appreciated, not acted on... i dont censor myself with internal worries about how my brain will be received. i trust Him. i trust Him to know that my bad thoughts aren't mean, that my pain isn't stupid or dramatic overload, that my fears aren't childish or dangerous. i trust Him the way i never even trusted my mom (and if you knew me, you would know that as far as i am concerned, she was a saint and someone who loved me more than anything else, herself, my sister, anyone), and yes, it took about 3 years to finish punching through those trust levels (i won't say He and i are done-- couples find places and things inside them that they do not even KNOW they are carrying, and we backslide, and we protect people when we should let them see all of our bloody bits) with Master- but He has never let me down in our lives.
> D/s is of itself the most wondrous of relationships, the ebb and flow, both overt and covert of the PE. So much can happen between two in tuned people right under the noses of the most respectful settings. Sometimes that foreplay of inability to completely express in public is the *best* way to start an evening... or a weekend.
> i am careful about some things, and will always follow the "prime directive" (unless you say otherwise)- which is that the property's first job is to take care of the property for owner- even if that means pulling away from owner to do so, even if that means taking BACK authority when the property is in danger of emotional or mental pain beyond the reasonable point (which is the rule i had to invoke with my ex- i had to take back what i gave when i felt the beginnings of sub toy hearts death).
4 years later? i can't take back anymore. i kept that ability for about 2.5 years- at our public collaring ceremony, those 'bonds' dissolved, and sometime after that (who knows.... who knows where the time goes, who knows where my love grows?) i quit worrying about myself, future, etc.., started putting my thoughts into total service to MAster (yeah- even loving my son has become entwined in that, and God help me, i don't know how i could ever choose between them anymore-- that *used* to be so obvious, so simple... but luckily, my son -almost 14- also sees the changes in me, in how i am, and has 'casually' said things to the effect of "it's OK if we move out/if things change... you need to be loved").
Does that freak me out? Nope. It USED TO- it was this alien concept (sort of like the first time i figured out that i LIKE rough sex... the first time i ran head long into the fact that i wasn't a submissve (which seemed safe and sane in my head... a description of an attitude with a partner) and was a slave heart (which screamed abuse and abandonment of my feminist agenda and a lack of self respect and a doormat mentality and all kinds of negative horrors... foolish me!)... the first time i realized that i wasn't afraid every moment about the future, about being safe and taken care of in my old age.... (i recently realized that i have to write up a power of medical attorney again.... my spouse has NEVER been my choice- he has misinterpreted every thing i ever wanted... Aspbergers apparently is the base cause of that... so for my whole adult life my best friend Teri had that. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 5 years ago...and we thought we would lose her- God also stepped in there and saved her- she was so far along her odds were less than 1%, but she is 100% today... but she is also under that pressure and possibly might not be here... so i am rewriting it so that Master has that power-- He knows exactly what i want, and i trust Him with my life-- literally!)....
So, i wonder, how many people in the WORLD are so safe inside that they don't need to worry about that stuff, that they don't constantly ask for info and double check their retirement funds and panic over where they will end up? i am blessed.... i know, in my heart, that all that is destiny.
> For me, personally (although i have hear it from a LOT of women), when i am the responsible fuck up/ have pissed my Owner off, the worst possible punishment is to be shunned and not spoken to.
> It hurts more than anything.
> It makes it impossible for me to *do* anything to fix things, as well as making me feel so AWESOMELY alone that i might as just well not exist. Its a wiping out of security, a removal of protection when most men do that.. because they physically pull away as well.
> The best way i ever read that a couple worked that out was that he would physically hold/stroke her- he would refuse to talk about it while upset, but they could watch television or other non-specific stuff. He got the mental cool down time, but she did not feel abandoned.
>
> a dear member of my leather family wrote this on another list about her heart:
> >>>.i recently posted about finding a partner through the internet...and for me that is the time to learn about the other person...to look at each others politics, goals, and kinks - to see if there is enough common ground...because, alas, i am a very sexual being...and once in the presence of one who's chemistry stands up to mine, all is lost...i am theirs, at least until i wake up and realize that's all there was... So, for me..slow dating, courtship rituals, seduction, even...all amount to nothing if i am in your presence and you turn me on...for that reason alone, even though i have listed many others, i need the "courtship" to happen before we actually meet. Note: this is not to say that is all the other stuff seems like it might work, that the chemistry will work - it doesn't, not even most of the time..last count: 15 first dates, one Master...course that's all i need. happily enslaved,
>alison<<<<
Alison and i have been through a lot together these last 4 years.... Her (now) husband and Master and i have spent time together, and they have mutated their lives to work around his dysfunctional ex spouse and 2 kids with no power from the courts, finances falling,, and a host of other things-- yet she loves him more now, and he loves her. Things were damned dark for them for a while-- so instead of doing the 'smart' thing, they jumped head long into each other's hearts... so far, so good. can't ask better than that.
> she and i have that in common- the "knowing" when we are in the presence of one we are going to belong to.
> i look forward to enhancing Your life (and XXX's... all of us) - and my own in that process. i look forward to the moment when You feel free to let Your needs totally loose upon me without fear or calculation or worry or thought- and i look forward to hearing Your voice again, and reading Your next letter to me, and feeling Your breath on my skin in the dark.
> Damn- don't want much, do i?
> Well- that's the morning's thoughts.
> Today i am going to the DMV for a new license, the bank for the bills, return videos, pick son up slightly early from school so i can make a 2pm nail appt, help him with homework, water the yards, laundry, clean bathroom, check on hamster (who's room took 1.5 hours to clean yesterday), vacuum the boys room, and take a look at what i can do tonight...
>
> i was really happy and surprised to hear that DA was overnighting with her boy last night... it never occurred to me that you both are so good at this that she can take off on weeknights and you are the single parent...i love that. Its a respect, a fairness, a sharing that i also get from my spouse, and very very few people have understood it. They look at me funny when i tell them that i can take off overnight (or longer occasionally), and the boys have the house to themselves.
My darling son actually LOVES it when i am gone now--- no rules! He gets away with murder (although lately he has actually been acting more responsibly than i thought possible-- going to bed by 10- not sneaking up to watch TV, doing his HOMEWORK even if i am not home breathing down his neck, reading again, getting up without screaming fits..... Master in our lives has helped him sooo much too!).
> Folsom, that is the "roll in it" time for me.... living the life 24/7 for upwards of 5 days with community... addressing everyone with protocols as needed, keeping on the symbols of my status, wearing only the minimum clothing needed for social preservation, and walking proudly through my family- the larger leather family- with my heart openly showing where my cunt and my mind are.
NOW, 4 years later, i have somehow passed through the 'veil' from scene person to leadership to... who knows. But i walk that way all the time, think that way all the time (being vanilla HURTS to try to stay in t he fake-ness of it, the false mask social perameters biting at me and showing me such hypocracy that i do it in small doses now)... i slip seemlessly between my gay leather friends, National leadership, local politics, our little boutique group--- i have no idea how it happened, no reason to think i am different or better or worse or know more... but something changed, and everything is just easy now. It's Master probably-- it's my slave heart having found home.
> The first year i went, and worked, both my ex and i were volunteers so we could get in free....(i love doing things and we aren't dirt poor, but its unfair of me to not do my best to keep the costs of what i do down... part of why i buy great clothes- since spouse loves them too- but not too many toys).i did a lot of work in advance, but XXX signed up for dungeon work and missed all the classes Sat... he was really upset about that, but he didn't think the job through. Sunday i had lots of free time until bus loading, and we were doing good until i got heat stroke..
> i wont be recovering from that ever again... the docs say once you have that, your thermostat is forever suspect, and you need to be very careful to not sit in hot tubs too long, or be out in heat without help/backup... cause you never know when the over-heat will hit and you will shut down.
> Last year, i had everything ready, moved in Thurs, and got it all organized so we could spend Thur-Fri-sat and sun there at hotel, but we were already close to the end and tensions ran high...
> i had all day Fri to just have fun, check in with folks, and my people ran things like clockwork, so i was helping out with other issues, running interference so people could do things without interruptions from a problem we had, and trying to make master as happy as possible under the strain.
> Sat i had the whole day free, but he had plans to stick with his new toy so he missed me being interrogation dummy when they asked me to for a class in am (she was demo for caning class and he wanted to take her there... i was kewl with it), but then the day deteriorated.
> Sun with the buses i do have to get up early and make sure they get off on time, and once at Folsom (i always ride the last bus up) i have walkie talkie and "direct" the stuff long distance... its not very intrusive, but it is distracting if you want to have total attention all the time..
> This year i will have it even further refined... so that there is nothing i have to show up for other than Sun am (and some special entertainment's i am personally handling) ....and when needed, i am free... and when not needed, i will do what i do best- fill in, pitch hit, fix immediate problems... i am very good at a "roving o-ordinator" status, making sure things are OK, seeing problems and fixing them on the fly... and we have more of a team this year and less of a dictatorship.
> Pirates... taking what we want... outside the law... living on our own on the high seas and the wild places.... thieves and cut throats with our own code that no one but our own band need know. i love this.
> Well. i am sure i have bent your ear more than enough.. and so i will leave now.. get on with my other mail, my day, phone calls, and taking care of business... so that tonight i can goof...and plan for Sunday morning.
>
>hugs to you
>shadow
>
Well, that is my past-- from even BEFORE i laid eyes on Him, when i was still trying to put into words what i needed. Before i even KNEW what i needed really. Right now, i have to maintain things, take care of my family as service to Master, work on moving forward for us. Handle MAsT when He isn't around... enjoy Southern Cross, laugh at all the political machinations of the petty power mongers around here (the bay area is a hot bed of people trying to BE someone--- but since they have no souls, they will never get that place... the ex pres of smO found that out--- she put herself up as the Queen- and now can't show her face since we found out how she mangled the org. and hid it behind walls of secrecy and power grabbing).
My present is losing weight (about 8 lbs in the last month) cleaning house (i will have that done in 5050), steering my son though Jr. High (he is getting GOOD at understanding himself, my darling boy), finances (hey- who needs money when you have love?), and taking care of Master no matter where He is or what He is doing... even the psychic energy of morning hugs when i wake up are important.
My blogspot top entry says that (Clip of Beatles singing "She Loves You").
Good morning Thursday!!!
Thank you God, mom, and Master.
(thank you again for the great pic!!!)