Our Universe
Well, i wish i had years to just sit and ponder, caress the possibilities and think out the logical endgames of all these questions and options in M/s.
But i don't.
So to be short, there was this line (two really) from dear Kaya's blog lj that went
" Maybe the fault then is in the slave beginning to think "it's OUR universe"? As if she has some part in how the universe is ran? I know I do that.. and it's a long fall down on my ass too..lol"
and this one
"And it's not just that we, as slaves/submissives/whatever, are different, but that we then also lose sight of the fact that nothing going on IN the relationship is because of *us*.. it's because of the Rule Maker. "
Those 2 lines show up something very often overlooked--- that while we are TWO people who are attracted to each other because they share the same view of WIITWD, and while no relationship is totally molded by just one side (because the other side is influenced to one extent or the other by the partner), we as slaves are not always remembering that THE DOMS make the rules, make the framework, steer the boat and it's our job to hang on and fly right.
Slaves/subs/etc.'s are there because of a power exchange. We have power-- but not the direction power of being in charge or making decisions (and while i am SURE there is someone out there that feels to their core that they are a slave even though they are totally in charge of the relationship and make all the decisions and their partner is going along, that is not my view of it and won't be addressed on my lj). We are seeking guidance, support, growth, a place to serve, shelter- a million and one things. We are the part that influences how Dominants might act/react- depending on the Dominant. But we are not there because we have created this dynamic and then invited the Dominant partner to join us in it- usually, it is the other way around.
What i think happens is that there is a LOT of "topping from the bottom" going on-- influence peddling of the subservient variety, nudging the Master, whining, and/or attempting to take back some level or amount of power.
And most never even view it as that.
But if there is a decision that has been made, and (short of seeing that it is detrimental to the goals the Domainant party has in mind) the slave partner then bridles against it and *acts* upon those feelings, they are, to one extent or another, topping from the bottom. Steering the ship of state.
Now, maybe, being that we are human, the bottom feels adrift and is pushing for attention and rules...
well, while they might have a valid feeling, and they might have a way to get that feeling addressed, doing so by pushing or acting out or manipulating is trying to make the decisions and run the relationship. It is taking back of power. It is not what most M/s (and quite a few D/s) relationships are formed as.
Most of the good ones DO have a way for the slave part to bring up their issues.
Sometimes, (i hate this, but HE loves it so this is the way it is for us) the bottom can write or talk or send a pigeon any time they want. But that does NOT mean that they will definitely get ANY response at all- often, not even acknowledgment that the post/mail/note has been READ! It's a B I T C H.
So sometimes, when i am chaffing under a rule, or hating decisions that keep us apart, or feeling all pissy about not getting to have something, i can tell Him.
And He listens, and then He begins to talk about something else.
What He DOES with the information is His business, and that includes ignoring my desires or complaints completely and just drifting along His merry way. i signed on for that. i BEGGED and dreampt of that. So now, i have to suffer the down side of that, that this relationship is NOT about catering to me and allowing me to mold it day to day for what i perceive as my needs.
HE decides my needs, HE molds the thing, and when we get 10 more years down the line, we will be at a place that i cannot fathom today- because i am not in charge.
It is fun to get one's way sometimes, but if that becomes some kind of norm, the original need- a M/s relationship, a TPE, a D/s Power Exchange--- that goes away. It gets killed or buried or lost or stolen or set aside or undermined or shaken, and eventually one or both parties look at each other and say "this is not what i envisioned long ago- and i don't WANT this".
So, if one is a PE person and a submissive or slave that has given up the steering, then the biggest struggle might well be giving up the steering every single day, over and over.
Slaves might make just one decision- that of accepting the collar, but we spend a lot of time remembering to let go of the wheel.