Lady, Sings the Blues So Well
Three cheers for the worst birthday ever.
Hip-hip
Dammit.
Hip-hip
Shit.
Hip-hip
Fuck.
Today was supposed to be a well planned out day... the first in a long time. Wake up at 7. Greet boyfriend at the door at 7:45. Eat lunch with him and my family at 11. Leave the house to drop off boyfriend at 4:45. Arrive at Brenden Theatres Staff Party at 5:45. Stay at party 'till 11. Watch 'Night at the Museum' in IMAX at 11 until the night forgot how to thrive. Morning would come. Sleep would come. Wake up at 2 o'clock the next day and enjoy the presents.
But alas, nothing ever turns out the way you plan.
Boyfriend calls to say that he is sick and cannot come. Brother leaves for work at 11:30. Lunch is ready to be engrossed upon at 11:50, when Father comes home. Birthday gifts are appreciated. DVDs all around. Sit in bed due to coldrr for six hours watching DVD's.
Fun. Fun. A rolled up fatty full of fucking fun.
In all honesty though, I guess it's alright. It's not boyfriend's fault he's sick. The poor thing actually more sick than I. I feel terrible the way his whole family including his grandmother got the virus which includes most of the unmentionables of being sick. Cole, his younger brother of 17 months... or so has it rreeaalll bad. 8 days long he has been sick with a virus that is only suppose to last for 10. His days are numbered...
The lunch just ran late. That's why my brother couldn't go. That's okay. I just hope he'll have fun at the party after he gots off of work which should be in (*sneeze*) an hour and a half or so.
The gifts included the 'Kill Bill' DVD set. A wonderful joy I look forward to enjoying. Reminds me of Nephilim. :-) A Kindergarten Cop DVD from my sister Rachel. We always use to watch that movie when we were growing up. A Wee Sing Silly Songs tape cassette. Another piece of merchandise from my childhood. Last but not least, the two seasons worth of 'Dead Like Me', an absolutely gorgeous show about death. It's actually quite comforting to be watching it as I lay here on my couch. And yes, I meant to write couch earlier. Sitting on my couch all day. I feel like a freakin' potato.
Anyways, HillTree called me this morning. That was a wonderful suprise :-) I had just been thinking about her the night before... then again I think I thought about all there is to think about the night before due to the fact that it took me three and a half hours to sleep. Then I slept for two. Woke up for another two and a half. Slept for an hour. I got three hours of sleep last night. That's probably why I feel like shit (dammit, fuck) today. My nose is pretty stuffy too... well it keeps running. That's all. Oh and this morning at 12:01 AM, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. This deeply, deeply disturbed me. It was just another fucking addition to the many reasons I couldn't fall asleep.
What does that mean that he called? It means he is still thinking about me, he still remembers me. I feel bad for the boy because when you get right down to it, he is dreaming dreams that I cannot fulfill. Cannot fulfill, will not fulfill, and will never fulfill... I've gotten over him. I've realized my relationship with him was just some crush and in reality, it meant nothing. There was no stability, companionship, or love at all. Well, I thought it was love... but it really was just a knife handed to me on a silver platter, a note written by it saying "This is for the itch you've been feeling in your wrist." I was killing myself for nothing... I am over it. I have to get over it... That way I can store those memories, feelings, and ... etc. I can take them then and deal with them in some other form.
For example, I saw Blank ( I know! I haven't mentioned that name in centuries) I saw Blank while I was working the podium at work. He passed by, gave me his ticket without so much as a glance, and I fumbled out the directions to his theatre... It had a bit more of an impact on me then meets the eye. I thought to myself after he passed "I've dealt with him and I've gotten over it. Now I need to take all that is left, organize, and then when it is painted into a picture (a blank portrait), I can bury the portrait and move on."
That's exactly what I did. I took out my pen like a sword from my sheath and wrote down exactly what I felt... It's too personal to mention now, but when it becomes what it is meant to become... And I feel it out with the feelings I had felt when it was all taking place, then and only then will I bury that portrait.
*sigh* So reflective on my birthday, aren't I? I have a lot of things going through my head right now... Thoughts about college and my questionable love for Theatre... well it's not questionable, but still is.... My thoughts about myself... and who I have grown to be over these past four years. Regret. Happiness. All in all, I guess it's been worth it. But still... there is and always will be an empty space that I will never be able to fill. And I feel like my age does not match up with my accomplishments. What have I done that is so deserving of thanks? I don't think I've done much for the world but ruin it... And I would like to change that around. I'm sure sane people would think the same.
I'm not saying I'm a plauge to human kind, but rather... I'm a disease in the way that I haven't done as much as I should have. Like a waste of time in everyone's hands...
It kills me a bit to even mention it (like another silver platter is being laid out on the couch), but... it's just the truth. And the truth is I have to do more for myself. Thus I will be able to do even more for everyone else. That's all I am honestly trying to do while I'm alive. Aren't you?
And lady says...
"I can sing this song so blue
That you will cry in spite of you
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder"
Hip-hip
Dammit.
Hip-hip
Shit.
Hip-hip
Fuck.
Today was supposed to be a well planned out day... the first in a long time. Wake up at 7. Greet boyfriend at the door at 7:45. Eat lunch with him and my family at 11. Leave the house to drop off boyfriend at 4:45. Arrive at Brenden Theatres Staff Party at 5:45. Stay at party 'till 11. Watch 'Night at the Museum' in IMAX at 11 until the night forgot how to thrive. Morning would come. Sleep would come. Wake up at 2 o'clock the next day and enjoy the presents.
But alas, nothing ever turns out the way you plan.
Boyfriend calls to say that he is sick and cannot come. Brother leaves for work at 11:30. Lunch is ready to be engrossed upon at 11:50, when Father comes home. Birthday gifts are appreciated. DVDs all around. Sit in bed due to coldrr for six hours watching DVD's.
Fun. Fun. A rolled up fatty full of fucking fun.
In all honesty though, I guess it's alright. It's not boyfriend's fault he's sick. The poor thing actually more sick than I. I feel terrible the way his whole family including his grandmother got the virus which includes most of the unmentionables of being sick. Cole, his younger brother of 17 months... or so has it rreeaalll bad. 8 days long he has been sick with a virus that is only suppose to last for 10. His days are numbered...
The lunch just ran late. That's why my brother couldn't go. That's okay. I just hope he'll have fun at the party after he gots off of work which should be in (*sneeze*) an hour and a half or so.
The gifts included the 'Kill Bill' DVD set. A wonderful joy I look forward to enjoying. Reminds me of Nephilim. :-) A Kindergarten Cop DVD from my sister Rachel. We always use to watch that movie when we were growing up. A Wee Sing Silly Songs tape cassette. Another piece of merchandise from my childhood. Last but not least, the two seasons worth of 'Dead Like Me', an absolutely gorgeous show about death. It's actually quite comforting to be watching it as I lay here on my couch. And yes, I meant to write couch earlier. Sitting on my couch all day. I feel like a freakin' potato.
Anyways, HillTree called me this morning. That was a wonderful suprise :-) I had just been thinking about her the night before... then again I think I thought about all there is to think about the night before due to the fact that it took me three and a half hours to sleep. Then I slept for two. Woke up for another two and a half. Slept for an hour. I got three hours of sleep last night. That's probably why I feel like shit (dammit, fuck) today. My nose is pretty stuffy too... well it keeps running. That's all. Oh and this morning at 12:01 AM, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. This deeply, deeply disturbed me. It was just another fucking addition to the many reasons I couldn't fall asleep.
What does that mean that he called? It means he is still thinking about me, he still remembers me. I feel bad for the boy because when you get right down to it, he is dreaming dreams that I cannot fulfill. Cannot fulfill, will not fulfill, and will never fulfill... I've gotten over him. I've realized my relationship with him was just some crush and in reality, it meant nothing. There was no stability, companionship, or love at all. Well, I thought it was love... but it really was just a knife handed to me on a silver platter, a note written by it saying "This is for the itch you've been feeling in your wrist." I was killing myself for nothing... I am over it. I have to get over it... That way I can store those memories, feelings, and ... etc. I can take them then and deal with them in some other form.
For example, I saw Blank ( I know! I haven't mentioned that name in centuries) I saw Blank while I was working the podium at work. He passed by, gave me his ticket without so much as a glance, and I fumbled out the directions to his theatre... It had a bit more of an impact on me then meets the eye. I thought to myself after he passed "I've dealt with him and I've gotten over it. Now I need to take all that is left, organize, and then when it is painted into a picture (a blank portrait), I can bury the portrait and move on."
That's exactly what I did. I took out my pen like a sword from my sheath and wrote down exactly what I felt... It's too personal to mention now, but when it becomes what it is meant to become... And I feel it out with the feelings I had felt when it was all taking place, then and only then will I bury that portrait.
*sigh* So reflective on my birthday, aren't I? I have a lot of things going through my head right now... Thoughts about college and my questionable love for Theatre... well it's not questionable, but still is.... My thoughts about myself... and who I have grown to be over these past four years. Regret. Happiness. All in all, I guess it's been worth it. But still... there is and always will be an empty space that I will never be able to fill. And I feel like my age does not match up with my accomplishments. What have I done that is so deserving of thanks? I don't think I've done much for the world but ruin it... And I would like to change that around. I'm sure sane people would think the same.
I'm not saying I'm a plauge to human kind, but rather... I'm a disease in the way that I haven't done as much as I should have. Like a waste of time in everyone's hands...
It kills me a bit to even mention it (like another silver platter is being laid out on the couch), but... it's just the truth. And the truth is I have to do more for myself. Thus I will be able to do even more for everyone else. That's all I am honestly trying to do while I'm alive. Aren't you?
And lady says...
"I can sing this song so blue
That you will cry in spite of you
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder"