pity.
I feel like shit.
I'm supposed to be studying for exams right now. Tomorrow's exams. Pre-Calculus and Physics, both of which I have 'F's in. I don't think, even if I had a 75%, that I would go up to a 'D'... i dont know... I... just don't like it. Physics, I can work on. but pre-calc... it's not my area... i shouldn't have taken the class.
I just feel like. I'm not going anywhere. Every choice I make is wrong, and I can't figure out things for myself. I feel... no, I am so indecisive when it comes to decisions that I see other's make so easily. They can make up their minds. They know where they're heading... or at least have a general sense of direction where they should be going. I have one too... but because of my utter-fucked-up-retarded nature, I realized I have chosen path's that... are not what I want in my life. Am I auditioning for theatre colleges (make that singuar) just because I'm apparently skilled in acting? Do I really love acting?... Not as much as I love music. I thought it would be wise to pursue because I have a better chance at succeeding in it... Not that success is what I'm thinking about, but I would want to earn a living... And being an actor is, I've heard, a tough job... All signs point to this: I am a weak person. How am I to fight through crowds of other people and expect to be listened to?... I... I'm expected to do other things in addition which I know I can't do.
So why am I even doing it?
I'm not just questioning my future. I'm questioning my self-worth, my ability to make a future, and if I even deserve a future. My life is going in every direction I don't want it to... Maybe that's because
I'm not going in any direction at all.
I'm here. Rotting. While everyone else... I am rotting. And I hate myself so much sometimes that I'm blind too. I'm supposed to be staying positive through these next few months. It's hard sometimes. It really is...
I can't even write anymore. I feel my writing is pointless too. Not that anyone here should tell me "It's not pointless!" Refuting the arguement doesn't help. And I mean that writing... isn't what it use to be...
I dwell on the past too much too. Another one of my major faults. And I compare myself to people I shouldn't. My boyfriend. He's got his whole life planned already... for the most part. I don't even have tomorrow, exam day, figured out.
I am fucking pathetic.
*pity party*
I'm supposed to be studying for exams right now. Tomorrow's exams. Pre-Calculus and Physics, both of which I have 'F's in. I don't think, even if I had a 75%, that I would go up to a 'D'... i dont know... I... just don't like it. Physics, I can work on. but pre-calc... it's not my area... i shouldn't have taken the class.
I just feel like. I'm not going anywhere. Every choice I make is wrong, and I can't figure out things for myself. I feel... no, I am so indecisive when it comes to decisions that I see other's make so easily. They can make up their minds. They know where they're heading... or at least have a general sense of direction where they should be going. I have one too... but because of my utter-fucked-up-retarded nature, I realized I have chosen path's that... are not what I want in my life. Am I auditioning for theatre colleges (make that singuar) just because I'm apparently skilled in acting? Do I really love acting?... Not as much as I love music. I thought it would be wise to pursue because I have a better chance at succeeding in it... Not that success is what I'm thinking about, but I would want to earn a living... And being an actor is, I've heard, a tough job... All signs point to this: I am a weak person. How am I to fight through crowds of other people and expect to be listened to?... I... I'm expected to do other things in addition which I know I can't do.
So why am I even doing it?
I'm not just questioning my future. I'm questioning my self-worth, my ability to make a future, and if I even deserve a future. My life is going in every direction I don't want it to... Maybe that's because
I'm not going in any direction at all.
I'm here. Rotting. While everyone else... I am rotting. And I hate myself so much sometimes that I'm blind too. I'm supposed to be staying positive through these next few months. It's hard sometimes. It really is...
I can't even write anymore. I feel my writing is pointless too. Not that anyone here should tell me "It's not pointless!" Refuting the arguement doesn't help. And I mean that writing... isn't what it use to be...
I dwell on the past too much too. Another one of my major faults. And I compare myself to people I shouldn't. My boyfriend. He's got his whole life planned already... for the most part. I don't even have tomorrow, exam day, figured out.
I am fucking pathetic.
*pity party*