Friends....?
Just now, I've started thinking about something...
Joey is over at his best friend's house tonight. Her name is Alissa (always with an 'i'). Let me restate the recently stated sentence.
Joey is over at his BEST FRIEND'S house tonight.
I rolled around with the sentence in my head for a bit and came to thinking that... Wow. I don't have a best friend. :-| I may have people in my life that imitate the role very well, but in general compared to Joe's relationship with his best friend (in particular), I don't have anyone near as close... Besides Joe himself, of course. But that's a diffrent story. True my boyfriend Could be my best friend, but in this case, let's look over that for a bit.
So! A best friend. Do I have a best friend...?
At school, I would highly doubt it. I tend to find myself as a leech to a group. Never fitting out, never standing out. Just there and around, making comments and observing. Otherwise known as the 'boring' friend everyone avoids being alone with. "A group of three, perhaps, could be endured, but God have mercy upon the soul who stands alone with that man!" (I'm exagerrating, I promise.) Though I shall admit I have been close to someone from school before. Quite close though we never hung out as much as we should have. I hope she knows who she is. :-) Ms. L...
So that rules out school (for the most part). At home, my family is just... my family. My cousins and I are too far away from each other to ever know about the going-on's of each other's lives. My brother is... my brother. And my mother and father are... my parents. Just my parents. For now.
So that leaves...
Just me. Ha! That's funny, but not suprising. I am alone on a Friday night. I'm not at some party. I'm not out to dinner with Joey. I'm not even at the movies (which I can watch for free seeing as I work there)!
But then again, let me read to you what I have written.
"I'm not at some party."
That's probably because the mere thought of getting drink makes me wobbly. Plus most the people at those 'parties' are homophobic or imitate their homophobic friends out of fear. What a wonder it is to be a teenager! It's like a puzzle that consists of two pieces being cut into a hundred: we make it so complicated... Anywho. Moving on:
"I'm not out to dinner with Joey."
We don't go out as much as I wish we could. We're both quite busy, but we do talk on the phone quite alot. *the phone bill cha-ching's*
"I'm not even at the movies!"
I didn't have a ride. Plus I thought I would do some work tonight... which never happened. Oh well!
So there you go! I basically don't have any friends. I look back to these past years and found that I did have them once though. And each time I ran the other one away. Mark (E.) found out I was gay. And while I tried to strech out my wings as a gay man, he ran for... reasons I don't particularly know. Mark (F.) and I don't speak as much as we used to... I don't know why. The entire clan of senior theatre members are exactly that: their own clan. I think I have came too late with too many dollars short to ever be one of them.
I don't mind these situtations. But I just wonder why, why, why?
I look to myself for answers and find exactly that: myself. I ran these people away, didn't I?... *thinking* For the most part yes... I think in the end, my friendships just fall apart... Though I never know if this is so I can create new friendships or force myself into other things...
For example, in 8th grade my only friend was the book in my hand. I swear to you, it was. That was the only way I survived that year. I never fit in since 8th grade which I am grateful for. I've made a friend in books! How priceless such a treasure is...
I've made friends with my music as well. And my writing..... Oh dear me...
It's late... I'm getting tired.... I don't think I portrayed my point too well in this entry. I apologize.... But basically it's this:
I am alone for the reason that I find other friends.
I just had to realize I wasn't looking for a person.
I was looking for a word, a voice, a note, a song.
And I found them all...
Now they're my best friends...
So then answer me this:
How could I ever abandon my best friends for new (human) friends?
I can't. I couldn't...
I wouldn't.
Joey is over at his best friend's house tonight. Her name is Alissa (always with an 'i'). Let me restate the recently stated sentence.
Joey is over at his BEST FRIEND'S house tonight.
I rolled around with the sentence in my head for a bit and came to thinking that... Wow. I don't have a best friend. :-| I may have people in my life that imitate the role very well, but in general compared to Joe's relationship with his best friend (in particular), I don't have anyone near as close... Besides Joe himself, of course. But that's a diffrent story. True my boyfriend Could be my best friend, but in this case, let's look over that for a bit.
So! A best friend. Do I have a best friend...?
At school, I would highly doubt it. I tend to find myself as a leech to a group. Never fitting out, never standing out. Just there and around, making comments and observing. Otherwise known as the 'boring' friend everyone avoids being alone with. "A group of three, perhaps, could be endured, but God have mercy upon the soul who stands alone with that man!" (I'm exagerrating, I promise.) Though I shall admit I have been close to someone from school before. Quite close though we never hung out as much as we should have. I hope she knows who she is. :-) Ms. L...
So that rules out school (for the most part). At home, my family is just... my family. My cousins and I are too far away from each other to ever know about the going-on's of each other's lives. My brother is... my brother. And my mother and father are... my parents. Just my parents. For now.
So that leaves...
Just me. Ha! That's funny, but not suprising. I am alone on a Friday night. I'm not at some party. I'm not out to dinner with Joey. I'm not even at the movies (which I can watch for free seeing as I work there)!
But then again, let me read to you what I have written.
"I'm not at some party."
That's probably because the mere thought of getting drink makes me wobbly. Plus most the people at those 'parties' are homophobic or imitate their homophobic friends out of fear. What a wonder it is to be a teenager! It's like a puzzle that consists of two pieces being cut into a hundred: we make it so complicated... Anywho. Moving on:
"I'm not out to dinner with Joey."
We don't go out as much as I wish we could. We're both quite busy, but we do talk on the phone quite alot. *the phone bill cha-ching's*
"I'm not even at the movies!"
I didn't have a ride. Plus I thought I would do some work tonight... which never happened. Oh well!
So there you go! I basically don't have any friends. I look back to these past years and found that I did have them once though. And each time I ran the other one away. Mark (E.) found out I was gay. And while I tried to strech out my wings as a gay man, he ran for... reasons I don't particularly know. Mark (F.) and I don't speak as much as we used to... I don't know why. The entire clan of senior theatre members are exactly that: their own clan. I think I have came too late with too many dollars short to ever be one of them.
I don't mind these situtations. But I just wonder why, why, why?
I look to myself for answers and find exactly that: myself. I ran these people away, didn't I?... *thinking* For the most part yes... I think in the end, my friendships just fall apart... Though I never know if this is so I can create new friendships or force myself into other things...
For example, in 8th grade my only friend was the book in my hand. I swear to you, it was. That was the only way I survived that year. I never fit in since 8th grade which I am grateful for. I've made a friend in books! How priceless such a treasure is...
I've made friends with my music as well. And my writing..... Oh dear me...
It's late... I'm getting tired.... I don't think I portrayed my point too well in this entry. I apologize.... But basically it's this:
I am alone for the reason that I find other friends.
I just had to realize I wasn't looking for a person.
I was looking for a word, a voice, a note, a song.
And I found them all...
Now they're my best friends...
So then answer me this:
How could I ever abandon my best friends for new (human) friends?
I can't. I couldn't...
I wouldn't.