I've got to stop spinning...
I just got off the phone with Joe. With Boyfriend. and we just had one of the most pointless conversations we've ever had. We both ran in circles about it: I said what I had been saying the whole time. He said what he had been saying the whole time. Like... broken records, each trying to play louder than the other. I have more of a headace than I did when I went into it.
But the subject matter is even more horrendous:
COLLEGE
I'm not that smart. Let's admit that. I'm more of a... heart person. I speak with my heart and with my feelings, but rarely with my brain. Thus my brain is not that exercised. So thus when I do use it, it's like having a 20 year experienced couch potato running in a 5k marathon:
Not that pretty.
The pursuit of a college, however, challenges me to use my brain and recall how my brain was used. For example, I have to examine my grades and see what college would except me. Let's have a look, shall we?
English 4 Lit. A.P. = C
Music Appreciation = A+
Physics 1 Honors = C-
PreCalculus A = D-
Theatre Practicum = A
Government Honors = C
The grades.
Not that pretty.
What I am most concerned about (as you might have guessed) is if what I choose will reflect what I love, what my heart tells me to pursue. That way if I do succeed in some form or another by touching other people (another crime of the heart), then I will have felt I chose the right way to go.
There are three ways:
English (a definite)
Music (my love)
Theatre (my talent)
I hate saying that I have a 'talent'... It's more of something I enjoy doing. Let me rephrase:
Theatre (.... enjoyed talent)
I must be honest with myself. Theatre is something I could work at. Something I could... perhaps reach out to others with. I could be a playwrit as well. I could be and do.... a lot of things, I guess.
But choosing a college makes me worry because that would narrow 'doing something' down to two things. Or even one. *Gulp*
My grades aren't that great so I opt to go to a convervatory where they accept best on abilities. I feel that my abilities lie with my Theatre world, though I don't particular have a 'passion' for it. Just a passing love. So then I go to the conservatory and feel shitty about getting a degree in Theatre, not in English or Music. I do, however, work on the side and make music and short stories... etc. Would that be bad? I guess I could do that. I would enjoy that because I could exclude myself and just work in my own little world. I'm sure if Joe or anyone else heard that, they would think "That's fucking ridiculous. How can you go into a field of work without ever getting to know people, Theatre especially? You've got to have lots of contacts and friends to get through that shit!"
And they're right. I don't fucking no anyone. If I went into Theatre, that would be the hardest thing for me to do... I don't know anyone... And maybe I don't right now because I'm here in Vegas, but... would I get to know people eventually?
I'm so torn over the whole thing, really. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I'm not exactly asking for someone to tell me what do to. I guess I just need to talk about it. And the best way for me to talk about things is just to write about... That's why the conversation with Joe and I was pretty harsh on my head and heart. We didn't get anywhere with it because I... didn't know what to say. I was honestly at a loss of words after a while because I would bring something up, and then be told exactly how I was wrong. Then I in turn would say how me being wrong is wrong. I'm not that much of a talker. I admit. I don't know if anyone, or how anyone could get that notion in their heads.
My classmate at school once told me
"Chris B., you are a joke. But you're awesome."
I took the compliment and threw it out the window. ( I don't take compliments very well.) And all I was left with was
Chris B., you are a joke."
And I thought to myself... I really am. I do so many strange things that people don't understand that people have just given up on understanding any of it. That's a good thing though. They shouldn't have to ponder over me at all. But... the comment really cut me down in the fact that... people don't take my craft seriously. I do things for a reason. I sit in front of vending machines for twenty minutes at a time choosing which soda I need to drink for a reason. People just don't understand that...
I guess people don't have to understand what they don't know right?
And if they don't know I have a craft in the first place, then happy fucking diddly for me. Cause then I don't have to deal with these people worried about
"Why does Chris look like he's starving himself? I should get him something to eat."
Or
"I'm worried that Chris is getting suicidal. The noose in his bag was not funny at all."
People can deal with more important things: Like themselves. Fuck, I'm worried more about others than I am with myself. Why? I don't matter in the whole fucking spectrum of things. I don't move mountains or start the domino effect... And if I tell myself this, then it will be true. That's why I'd rather not tell myself anything at all, but let myself come as I do....
I'm starting to think my conversation with Joe went in a circle because...
I'm just going in circles.
I'm just not going to think about it.
But the subject matter is even more horrendous:
COLLEGE
I'm not that smart. Let's admit that. I'm more of a... heart person. I speak with my heart and with my feelings, but rarely with my brain. Thus my brain is not that exercised. So thus when I do use it, it's like having a 20 year experienced couch potato running in a 5k marathon:
Not that pretty.
The pursuit of a college, however, challenges me to use my brain and recall how my brain was used. For example, I have to examine my grades and see what college would except me. Let's have a look, shall we?
English 4 Lit. A.P. = C
Music Appreciation = A+
Physics 1 Honors = C-
PreCalculus A = D-
Theatre Practicum = A
Government Honors = C
The grades.
Not that pretty.
What I am most concerned about (as you might have guessed) is if what I choose will reflect what I love, what my heart tells me to pursue. That way if I do succeed in some form or another by touching other people (another crime of the heart), then I will have felt I chose the right way to go.
There are three ways:
English (a definite)
Music (my love)
Theatre (my talent)
I hate saying that I have a 'talent'... It's more of something I enjoy doing. Let me rephrase:
Theatre (.... enjoyed talent)
I must be honest with myself. Theatre is something I could work at. Something I could... perhaps reach out to others with. I could be a playwrit as well. I could be and do.... a lot of things, I guess.
But choosing a college makes me worry because that would narrow 'doing something' down to two things. Or even one. *Gulp*
My grades aren't that great so I opt to go to a convervatory where they accept best on abilities. I feel that my abilities lie with my Theatre world, though I don't particular have a 'passion' for it. Just a passing love. So then I go to the conservatory and feel shitty about getting a degree in Theatre, not in English or Music. I do, however, work on the side and make music and short stories... etc. Would that be bad? I guess I could do that. I would enjoy that because I could exclude myself and just work in my own little world. I'm sure if Joe or anyone else heard that, they would think "That's fucking ridiculous. How can you go into a field of work without ever getting to know people, Theatre especially? You've got to have lots of contacts and friends to get through that shit!"
And they're right. I don't fucking no anyone. If I went into Theatre, that would be the hardest thing for me to do... I don't know anyone... And maybe I don't right now because I'm here in Vegas, but... would I get to know people eventually?
I'm so torn over the whole thing, really. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I'm not exactly asking for someone to tell me what do to. I guess I just need to talk about it. And the best way for me to talk about things is just to write about... That's why the conversation with Joe and I was pretty harsh on my head and heart. We didn't get anywhere with it because I... didn't know what to say. I was honestly at a loss of words after a while because I would bring something up, and then be told exactly how I was wrong. Then I in turn would say how me being wrong is wrong. I'm not that much of a talker. I admit. I don't know if anyone, or how anyone could get that notion in their heads.
My classmate at school once told me
"Chris B., you are a joke. But you're awesome."
I took the compliment and threw it out the window. ( I don't take compliments very well.) And all I was left with was
Chris B., you are a joke."
And I thought to myself... I really am. I do so many strange things that people don't understand that people have just given up on understanding any of it. That's a good thing though. They shouldn't have to ponder over me at all. But... the comment really cut me down in the fact that... people don't take my craft seriously. I do things for a reason. I sit in front of vending machines for twenty minutes at a time choosing which soda I need to drink for a reason. People just don't understand that...
I guess people don't have to understand what they don't know right?
And if they don't know I have a craft in the first place, then happy fucking diddly for me. Cause then I don't have to deal with these people worried about
"Why does Chris look like he's starving himself? I should get him something to eat."
Or
"I'm worried that Chris is getting suicidal. The noose in his bag was not funny at all."
People can deal with more important things: Like themselves. Fuck, I'm worried more about others than I am with myself. Why? I don't matter in the whole fucking spectrum of things. I don't move mountains or start the domino effect... And if I tell myself this, then it will be true. That's why I'd rather not tell myself anything at all, but let myself come as I do....
I'm starting to think my conversation with Joe went in a circle because...
I'm just going in circles.
I'm just not going to think about it.