GAH!
god damnit. people really piss me off. this world is filled with nothing but inconsiderate pricks who fuck around with people's emotions. it's funny because my depression kicks in at about this time and it lasts all fucking day. i amazed myself today. i actually got in the shower and fixed my hair and make-up. so maybe that's a start. i swear, this year has been nothing but shit so far, and we're only 10 days into the new year. it's soo great. 3 years of nothing but shit. and now another one. i'm tired of people being so fucked up. everyone in this world is selfish. they do what they want and what they need, and they don't care who they hurt or piss off while they do it. i wanna make a hit list. hahaha. i know that sounds stupid, but there's a few people i'd put on there, and then i'd hope and pray they would just fucking die. i don't understand people. maybe i'm weird or something. maybe i don't have that ability to understand another person. if that's so, i should be studied. i think i need therapy. i need someone to just bitch at, and cry to. i can't do that with friends, they judge or argue. i don't wanna argue, i just want someone to listen to me. no one listens, they hear, but they can't comprehend the words i say. my emotions are all out of control..i'm happy one minute, sad the next, then extremely pissed off. i can't control it, and no i'm not on my rag. i've just had it with everyone's shit. i can't take it anymore. everyday...same shit. it gets old real fast. sometimes i feel like...gah. i want to end it all. i think, maybe i should just become a fucking bitch, so people won't take me for granted, or take advantage of me. i've tried being nice, and caring. it doesn't get you anywhere. people see the niceness, and they think "hey, that's a good person to fuck over." so yea, fuck that shit. this weekend was shitty. the only cool part about it was i got new pants and a new bra. so yea, that's always good to get new clothes. today i wanted to like..run away. just fucking go. i'd leave my cell phone of course, that way no one would be able to contact me. i'd probably just leave with my credit card and a jacket. i keep blabbing like a little bitch, i know. no need to tell me. i can't help it, sue me. i need to get all of this shit out of my system. and what a better way to do it? no one pays attention to the shit i write anyway. i've had THREE panic attacks in the last month. THREE! so idk what's going on there. i had valume to take for it, but i took it all..so now i have to deal with the chest pain and the arm pain and the lack of breath. it sucks major balls. yea, i know i need to stop stressing and shit, but i CAN'T! no one understands that. i CANNOT stop, IDK what's wrong with me. lemme tell you something, i am afraid of the future. IDK where i'm gonna be. for all i know i'll be dead by then. i'm afraid of tomorrow, IDK how i'm going to feel or what i'm going to do..or what kind of bullshit is going to pop up. i hate living like this, but i can't stop. this is why, i think i need therapy, or a fucking mental hospital. one of those two. i'm going insane. i can feel it. i'm slowly losing my mind. people say "aww don't worry, things will get better." and what if they don't? what if everything slowly turns to shit, right before my eyes, and there's nothing i can do to save it. that'll be the day i die. sorry to say it, but yes. when that day comes, start planing to go to my funeral. i've been listening to alot of happy songs, and they all seem to either piss me off, or make me sad. i think it's because every song i listen to has a memory, and i get pissed or sad because i miss those memories. i know things will NEVER be the same. but the only thing i can do, it take it day by day, hoping and praying that things will turn around for me. i've been sleeping till about 12 or so...theni wake up and feel like shit. usually i just go back to bed. but i force myself to stay awake so i don't pull an all nighter. i'm tired of those little emo faggots who say "i hate my life, god hates me" blah blah blah, shut the fuck up, seriously. you don't know what a shitty life is, most of you have your parents spoil the shit out of you. that's why you all shop at hot topic. fucking idiots. jesus. want to know what a shitty like is like? take mine..but not from the present. take it from the day i was born. i've been through alot of shit. and look at me, i don't cut myself on a daily basis. i used to cut myself, but you try watching your grandfather die while you're holding his hand and reading his favorite prayer. go through that shit, and see if you don't cut yourself. my grandpa told me i was his little angel. i know he's turning over in his grave because of the shit i've done. i'm ashamed of myself. god, wtf am i doing with my life. look at me, sitting here like some kind of psycho path blabbing about shit that no one cares about. ha, it's funny how much shit one person can talk about when they're depressed. just don't make any decisions when you're depressed, you'll regret them. my thumb fucking hurts. i vut myself, it was an accident. i was opening a package for my mom, and the knife slipped. then BAM! my thumb wouldn't stop bleeding. i cut almost two layers of skin. so now, my thumb is all slanted on one side because if the missing layers of skin. fucking gross. my self-esteem isn't exactly "high." right now i'm going through a phase where i think no one wants me. the more i look at myself, they uglier i apper to myself. it's fucking weird. sometimes i'll just sit in the bathroom picking at myself, finding flaws that i hate. little things are starting to piss me off. the fact that i'm so lonely is pissing me off, and making me sad at the same time. everytimes i look at the TV or something i see love..and it pisses me off. valentines day is coming up. i don't even want to think about it. those kind of days get me depressed. last valentines me and charlie fought..this valentines me and charlie are not so good. so eh, valentines day can go to hell. i've just in it for the candy my mom buys me every year. i'm not even looking foward to my birthday. i'll have a car, big whoop. i'm gonna get a piercing. i'm addicted to that pain. idk what i'm gonna get pierced, but i hope it's something that hurts. someone told me to get that ear thing done, they said it hurts like a bitch. so i might just get that done. i'm trying to cut back on smoking. it's hard. i know i need to do it though. i can't fuck up my health anymore. i'm afraid if my health doesn't improve i'll end up in the hospital again. i need to go and see if my cyst has gone away.some fucking quack of a doctor told me i'd never be able to have kids, well fuck that! i've already had a misscarrage, so i know i can have kids. but eh, doctors don't know shit. anyways, i think this is where i'm going to stop. this little entry is way to long.