Full Circle
Pairing: Broken Tegopi, Tegomass
Rating: Not exactly pg, but I'm pretty sure you're gonna read it out of curiosity anyway. please
Genre: Angst, romance
Word count: 2,368 (one shot)
Warnings: Actual scandals mentioned (only one specified), not officially beta'd
“Ryo and I are quitting NewS. He can’t manage being in two groups, I want to go solo. I’m busy with activities as it is; it’s the best for all of us.” There was a collective gasp from the rest of the group, Tegoshi clenching his fists as he wills the tears not to fall from his eyes. One mistake had caused the world around him to crumble and drag his group mates down with it, and he would have to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. The young man could never forgive himself for letting it all come this far.
~
“Yuya, I love you so much…” breathy moans escape Yamashita’s mouth flowing with the rhythm at which he pulled in and out of his lover. “Massu-“the man’s eyes blow wide open as the name flew from his lips; he knew it was too late to take it all back. His lover pulled away, as if scalded by the all too familiar name.
“Are you cheating on me with Masuda?” the fine line in voice between anger and disappointment, for the name of said person hit far too close to home.
“I’m not. I swear, Pi please… I love you!” he pleaded, voice cracking on the word love. He hadn’t cheated, not on the one person he’d admired his entire career. Yet deep down a part of him had snagged on his best friend’s name, and that was the only thing that felt right about all this. ~
The older man had stopped appearing in shows with NewS, busying himself with his own activities for the very purpose of avoiding Tegoshi. He told his members that he would be leaving a few months later. Playing it off as work related, though it had become apparent that his reasons for the decision ran much deeper than he admitted, thousands of NewS fans mourned at the announcement made public. The remaining members of the group, they worked harder than and as passionately as they could to bring their rise from the ashes.
Tegoshi still could not tell Massu, not when they were just building themselves up again. They couldn’t afford any more emotional trauma or tension amongst them. Erasing all emotion from his heart was the only suitable thing to do, the responsible thing as he forced himself to grow up and accept things as they had become because of him.
~
The night before their first concert as a group of four, Tegoshi’s nightmares had finally gotten the best of him. He didn’t know if you could consider it a nightmare if it really had happened before, but it knocked the breath out of him nonetheless.
“Yamashita I’m sorry! Please, if you leave me fine… but don’t leave NewS.”
“I can’t live with myself seeing you both every day, not when you clearly love him.”
The painful part of it was that it was all true. Yamashita was the idol, the inspiration, the rival. While Massu was his best friend, the one he had formed a subgroup with; they sang love songs to each other for a living.
He woke up drenched in sweat and shaking, Massu on the side of his bed worriedly grasping his hand and rubbing circles on the back of it with his thumb.
“Are you sick Yuya? How bad was your dream? I can call manager-san if you-“
“It’s my fault, all my fault Massu! Pi left because of me and … I-“
“Yuya. It isn’t your fault. That’s just how fate worked out.”
The older man’s voice made him stop, though he was still visibly shaken from the chill and sweat covering his body. How could Massu possibly understand the guilt he felt of nearly jeopardizing all their careers? Tegoshi knew it was his entire fault for breaking the hearts of the fans and making them hate Pi for leaving them. He saw the comments and backlash he received every time the latter even mentioned his former band mates; whether he mentioned them or not, Yamashita would always lose.
“Just stay with me Takahisa. Please? I can’t sleep alone, not again.” The younger of the duo pleaded, voice quiet and shaking as he uses the older man’s first name. He said it as if it were the most precious word in the world, the name feeling too secure in his mouth to let it go; to let him go. This wasn’t the Tegoshi he knew, for he was far too vulnerable compared to his usual spoiled rotten self that knew how to get what he wanted; though this time it was more of a need of Massu’s presence than a want.
So nodding slightly in the dark, Massu could only oblige and get under the covers. He was face to face with his friend, their breaths intermingling in the shared space between them; not that it was the first time they had shared a bed… but now it felt so different. Wrapping his arms around Tegoshi’s smaller figure, he doesn't have any words to portray the comfort he wants to give so badly to his friend. The still quiet is just enough for Tegoshi to hear Massu’s heartbeat, breathing in time to it as he gives into the strong arms protecting him from the nightmares. Silently he swears to himself that is the last time he’ll ever depend on his friend for this again, he could not fall any farther for the older man.
~
He tries to force the tears from falling, but how could he when they were singing a song about moving forward from the mess that had been the past year? Being determined as he is, Tegoshi can keep his voice in check and nearly perfect throughout nearly the whole performance. That is till his last solo line of the song; the breaks in his voice make him want to die under the lights of the stage.
I was coming to a standstill
This is not the end
It’s the end of hesitation, face forward and try to challenge myself
Of course it could be played off because of the emotion in the performance affecting all the members, but he can’t live it down. Not when Massu gathers them all together as the end the song and puts an arm around him; he puts the last of his breath into the song and breaks away from the other three. NewS could be united and strong as four, but Tegoshi was sure that he needed to learn to be strong on his own two feet; no matter who he would hurt in the process.
~
Tegoshi kept count of all the girls he slept with, married, underage, anyone that could possibly get ruined by a scandal. Of course Johnny-san and the higher ups were able to sweep most of it under the rug, but his fellow members had tried to scold and punish him on occasion. At this point though, his reputation as a womanizer increased and they eventually gave up on him so long as he didn’t do anything that could get him arrested. Though Massu kept his thoughts to himself, he felt almost scarred every time a new lover of Tegoshi would pop up in the news.
“Momona. Seriously Tegoshi?” the girl was young, bound to make such a rookie mistake and ruin her career by being carelessly seduced by a Johnny and drinking underage.
“Why does it matter to you Masuda?” Tegoshi’s voice almost indifferent to the scandal he’s become involved with this time around.
“It matters because I know being called D-list is enough to drive you mad, and I’m done with you doing this to yourself!”
There’s an uncomfortable silence as Tegoshi walks out the room, slamming the door hard enough to make Massu cringe from the sound.
Tegoshi doesn’t bother going any farther, sliding his back against the other side of the door and sitting on the ground; face cradled in between his hands and choking back a sob. Of course he feels guilty for the marriages he’s ruined, the girls he’s slept with, but he had done something so much worse than all of those things. He could never shake the image of Yamapi’s eyes as he had done the ultimate betrayal he could possibly commit. The difference between all those girls and the older man was that Yamashita loved him. The pain Tegoshi inflicted on him was far worse than anything else he had done in his entire life.
A knock from the other side of the door pulls him from his thoughts, straightening up, but not standing from his spot on the floor.
“Tegoshi. I know you’re there, please talk to me. I’m sorry I yelled earlier… I know it’s your body and you’re allowed to do whatever you want with it; but I know this isn’t you. Let me help you.” His voice is soft, as if he were approaching a small animal and not wanting to scare it away.
The door doesn’t open, but he could hear Tegoshi breathing deeply as he tries to calm his heart from fluttering madly in his chest from the ache.
“Takahisa.” He hadn’t used the name since that night a year ago.
“Ne?”
“I didn't love any of them.”
“I know, Yuya. So why did you get involved with them?”
For a while, the younger man couldn't answer. How could he when there was no real justification for his actions?
“I've done worse things Massu; I was unfaithful to Pi.” He almost chokes on the name, but nonetheless he finally says it. The screams that punctuated his nights ever since that point in his life, they were finally put into the words he had put off for so long. Perhaps he hadn't cheated on him (physically), but in his heart he had definitely betrayed Yamashita’s feelings by silently pining for his best friend’s heart.
Tegoshi falls backwards and hits the floor hard; Massu had opened the door and looked down at the younger man with glassy, anger filled eyes.
“How could you? That man loved you with all his heart and you threw that away like it was nothing!” Massu’s usual calm demeanor now shattered and replaced with an anger that the younger had never seen from the other man.
“All this time, I thought it was my entire fault that he’d left, but no! I’m only partially to blame Yuya… but why?” after realizing what Massu had confessed, Tegoshi sits up and is more alert to his surroundings than he’s been in months.
“Massu, what did you do?” choosing his words carefully, he knows this situation could swing quite a few ways; all of which except one could lead to hell breaking loose in that room.
Running a hand through his hair, Massu tries not to break down right then and there.
“Tegoshi, you are the most spoiled, selfish individual I've ever had the privilege to know. You’re complex but somehow I always seem to understand and know when to let it go because you’re you. You don’t know how to face your fears head on, but you know when to call for help when you end up trying anyways-“
“Tell me something I don’t know, Massu.” If the situation hadn't held so much gravity, he would've sounded sarcastic.
“I love you.” He replies quickly, “I always have and I fucking told Yamashita that, so I thought that’s why he left us.” the tips of his ears reddened, now it was clear that the older man was angry at himself, for confessing and implying that he indeed still loved his friend. It was too late to bottle it all up, but now it was out in the open.
The air was thick, and it felt like an eternity as Tegoshi searches for the words to respond. He fails and decides to bring in actions, as words are far too troublesome to stumble over. He grabs the man by the face with both hands, crashing his lips onto slightly chapped ones. It’s an awkward one, but he pulls away just as quickly to look Massu in the eyes long enough and say what’s needed to be said all the whole time.
“Takahisa, I cheated on him with my heart. I betrayed his feelings by loving you, that’s why I've been blaming myself all this time. I love you, I've never stopped and now I don’t intend to now that I know you feel the same.” For once in his life, he felt sure about the words coming out of his mouth, his heart.
“Do you forgive yourself, Yuya?” the question catches him off guard, but it’s something Massu needs an answer to nonetheless.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever fully forgive myself…”
“Neither can I, but we have to try. Otherwise we’ll never be happy.” He’s pained as he says it, but he knows the first step to bringing everything full circle is to start fresh.
“I’m done regretting though; I've been doing it every night, hour, minute of my life since then. I want to be happy again Massu! You make me happy, loving you makes me happy.” He’s clinging to Massu now, as if letting him go will make him disappear into thin air. He doesn't want to lose love, not again. Tegoshi knows he’s an egotistical little shit, but for Massu he would change all of that.
“Yuya, you’re happiness is all I ever want in my life. There is nothing more beautiful than your smile, and if I’m the one to give it to you… even better.” He holds the younger close, inhaling the scent of hibiscus from the shampoo he’s used for years. It smelled not of sweet flowers, but of home.
“I’m not that selfish Takahisa, but I feel exactly the same.”
Looking down at the younger, he sees everything with new eyes. Maybe this was the true feeling of starting fresh, feeling complete.
“Aishiteimasu, Takahisa.” Now he was sure this was the right feeling, that’s all he ever wanted to hear from younger man for the rest of his life.
“Aishiteimasu, Yuya.”
Things were finally starting to come full circle again.
A/N: Ever since Pi and Ryo left NewS, I've definitely strayed from the fandom. After literally catching up on everything in the past 2 years over the course of less then a week... I'm hooked and binging on all the music like no other. People have gotten to write their feelings about it, and this kind of helped me swallow the pill I've been avoiding for a while. I'm hoping I'll get around to writing more for this fandom because I've missed it like crazy. Songs I played while writing this were Why, Full Swing, and Ai Nante. Not in that particular order, but I'd like to hope it'll give you a feel of what I was trying to get down. :) I know the end is a bit rushed, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! In my mind, I feel it might've been better to leave the state of their relationship a bit open ended and leave it to the readers discretion what they wanted to believe, but I couldn't bring myself to change it. Hah.