(no subject)
This year is coming to a close and there are so many things Ive regretted doing this year.
Then again, there are so many things I'm glad that have happened to me.
These are some of the noteworthy things that are extremely important and have impacted my 2010.
It all started in February with the Blinkies, it soon became a huge part of my life. I think it'll be a part of me for the next few years, an assumption LOL. Soon became a perma op for izNotIncolors, happiest fan girl alive for about a month. LOL.
Every now and then Id fall into a bit of a depressive slump because I could just feel the original founders and loves from the Blinkies page drifting away from me.. after learning a few things the hard way, I never wanted to get close to anyone in this fandom in fear of losing them. The Blinkies are a huge part of my heart and I most likely wouldn't be the happy person I am today without them. For 2011 Id like to rebuild those relationships I feel like Ive lost, there is already one I'm confident in that is stable<3
March was a painful month, trying to put some pieces of my heart back together after an emotional beating I was facing. Ive honestly never forgiven that person for everything that happened. It's one of my deepest regrets I could have prevented back in January but I assumed it wouldn't hurt as much because we were best friends. I never knew I could be so wrong.
Restated my life on livejournal, from then on I was more active in commenting and asdfghjkl;
CAREY, KAT, YEONAH<3(: Like I need to say more. LOL. These are the best writers you will ever meet in the Triple S fandom, I swear. Despite whatever I got through, their updates make me the happiest on my f-list.
I also became close with Haley and Sally, though I was close with Sally before this when I had met Emilie through deviantart<3 Oh our skype calls and our deep talks in the summer<3 Will never forget those (:
April and May, 2 important dates in May and both of them were bittersweet. My fellow Triple S know what I'm talking about for one of them~
There's June and July, those months were a bit of a blur. I met Karen and Vy around June, Amanda and Naichee a month later (I have a separate story with them). Outside I was writing on their facebook walls mostly to be polite because whenever I came into contact with a Blinkie/Dreamer/StillNotfan Id try to make them feel welcome to the fandom. It felt like a duty to me for unexplained reasons, though it was not an obligation to become close friends with them. Vy was one of the first Blinkies I met that had asked for my aim and would talk to me often. I was surprised at first but of course I didn't complain. I got accustomed to i/ming her after school and flailing over seeing her at blogtv. Then came Karen who I soon couldn't go a day without talking to c:
Then the incident with Isaac getting mad at the 'fangirls who had called him out' on twitter and he posted something on tumblr which caused a lot of distress for some people involving Blinkies leaving the fandom. Quite stressful at the time but it calmed down after a while.
The story with Amanda and Naichee, it was kind of a depressing reason on how we became close. aha. I was under so much emotional stress some day in July because of this issue that I was dealing with (tied in with the Isaac fangirl issue). I had come in as a guest on Stephen's blogtv (Isaac being there made me feel uncomfortable at the time)and the tiny rational part of my head wanted to talk to someone and tell them everything so I just called out 1 name on the chatters list and asked them to pm me.
That name was nyappynoodles, who has asked if Id like to talk to her good friend Naichee as well. I did and became close with the 2 who had listened to my whole emotional wreck of a story and made me feel better even though I didn't have much to smile for. Thank you both, 204 comments on my very first wall post on Amanda's facebook<3 LOLOL.
August is that month of the year where I'm just depressed as fuck because the past is just something that wont leave me alone. Memories came back to haunt me, deaths and such kept invading me and coming back as nightmares.Collab for David's bithday (OH GOD WHAT A DISASTER. I HATED OH FOR A MONTH AFTER THAT) I had started to become even closer with Karen, Vy, Naichee and soon Gina (I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE I REMEMBER WHEN SHE CAME INTO THE PICTURE TT-TT) on skype. Our family was born. I was no longer afraid of becoming close and being abandoned.
If you remember up there when I said how I wasn't too comfortable getting close with Blinkies, yeah. These people changed it. I want them to be a part of my life forever.
September (oh how the months went by so quickly) school was starting and I was nervous out of my mind. I was losing time online with my family and was in dire need of fixing my sleeping pattern AHA. I think pretty much everyone was on the same boat at the time. SM town, hearing it on live audio stream (not legal, but you know LOL.) and my hopes are high that I'll be able to see them in New York. First of many collabs I had begun to participate in took place this month~ Lord, so much work. @___@
October was almost like any other Halloween month, spent it with my Blinkie family. Isaac's birthday!~ Did a collab with Vy and Gina c: mixed by Karen~<3 ehe. Rediscovered my Taylor Swift obsession after I followed a Swifty on twitter. Never regretted following her because she reminded my to preorder 2 copies of Speak Now (one for myself and a friend).
November, nothing special besides gaining weight. I spent most of it on skype with the blogtv fambam.Gina, Karen, and I did something stupid. We got over it. -cough favorite number -COUGHHHH-
MBC auditions, Isaac and Alan made it through the first round. btv family and I were so happy for them c:
It was a month of reflection for me. I kept thinking about how much of a person I had changed into. I had said bad things to people who had hurt my friend earlier on in the year, I still dislike them. I had a crush on someone who would never like me back the same way. My self esteem in music was low as ever. Most of these are negatives that Ive promised myself to change in the incoming new year.
December, here we are! I was anticipating Christmas with the family<3 Collab with my loves, Karen, Naichee, Gina :) Everyone was festive and cheery, a small part inside me was itching to start writing again but my inspiration flow kind of dried up. I'm hoping I can start again someday. Did some pretty stupid things in the past few days, remembered never to trust my gut and Ive been turning to some Daughtry, Fall Out Boy, and Plain White T songs I used to listen to. Good stress relievers and throwbacks.
2010, you were cruel to me.. aha. You brought me a lot of bull shit but you also gave me my Blinkies which mean the world to me.<3 You showed me who the true friends are, and it may be a bit late.. but you're starting to help me put my heart back together. I'm getting comfortable again and regaining trust with people I used to love and be so close with.
Something that hasn't changed at all in the past few years is my relationship with music. Through all the tears, the scars, the painful shit Ive gone through.. it's been there like a security blanket. It wont ever abandon me or leave me hanging like people do. While a part of myself was dead and in the ground I was able to dig myself out without causing people grief (if I was lucky) pulling my strength through these lyrics fueling the fire which were my emotions.
2010, you've taught me to let it out and not get caught up in myself anymore. Life isn't over yet. Let's start over with 2011.
I plan on more songwriting this year more than anything. That is my goal.