(no subject)
rock bottom....
I realized that something was seriously wrong (oh, you think so??) when I was able to cry about others' depression but not my own. When I realized that I was so emotionally numb that I could not mourn for the tragedies of my life, and that just as I have been void of joy, I have been void of sadness and of the healing power of tears. Sometimes it feels good to cry, you know.
There is a point that you come to, when you are seriously clinically depressed, and you realize that if you don't get help, if you don't make some change, if you don't find a way to pull yourself out of the (seemingly bottomless) hole you are in, that you will die.
It's funny, most of my life I was focused on exactly that, life -- and oh how different it is to be living as if you are dead, to be wishing you were dead, and yet somehow managing to continue living, day after miserable day.
All living creatures have, I think, some sort of built in survival mechanism that keeps them afloat even during their darkest hours. I have had this survival instinct very strongly, through my most painful days. Is it perpaps thus doubly painful that this instinct should falter now.
I do not post this because I seek consolation. Consolation is free and easily obtained when you are a pretty girl with a warm hole...and furthermore, it's not about validation from others. Validation from others means nothing when my own self-worth is close to nil.
I was raised too independently to be able to cling to others (though I have, for brief moments, done even this), and although my friends and family can offer their help till they are blue in the face, in the end it of little use.
See, I have to be able to live on my own, I have to be able to be happy and successful on my own, I have to be lit from within as I once was.
I have often thought that I am both blessed and cursed -- fated to live out the extremes of human emotion, to experience the full range of existance, both highs and lows. I don't doubt for a moment that this is true...and it does, admittedly, give me some small sliver of comfort.
I can't tell you how differently I view the world now. The view from above and the view from below are more disparate than most of you could possibly imagine. When I was riding on the crest of life I did not realize all I had, I took so much for granted, I was so blissful and yet so ignorant of all that I had. Now I realize that all those things, while they are just as meaningless now as they were then, are so vitally essential, and that as empty and artificial and socially constructed as they maye be, I cannot live without them, I cannot begin to have a normal, healthy human existance in their absence.
The small part of me that is still (almost irrepressibly) optmistic whispers 'If you have hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up.' Perhaps part of me will be wise enough to understand this and take solace in it. It is terribly ironic to have so much wisdom and have it be so useless.
Do not worry about me. I worry about myself plenty as it is. But please, if you are happy, if your life is going well, if you are on the upswing...hold onto that. Realize that it is precious and fragile and that it can all be lost very swiftly, if you misplace your feet even a few times along the journey of life. Try to like yourself and if you are so lucky as to love yourself, keep doing so for as long as you can.
I love you.... each one of you... more than you could possibly know... and as much as I possibly can.
I realized that something was seriously wrong (oh, you think so??) when I was able to cry about others' depression but not my own. When I realized that I was so emotionally numb that I could not mourn for the tragedies of my life, and that just as I have been void of joy, I have been void of sadness and of the healing power of tears. Sometimes it feels good to cry, you know.
There is a point that you come to, when you are seriously clinically depressed, and you realize that if you don't get help, if you don't make some change, if you don't find a way to pull yourself out of the (seemingly bottomless) hole you are in, that you will die.
It's funny, most of my life I was focused on exactly that, life -- and oh how different it is to be living as if you are dead, to be wishing you were dead, and yet somehow managing to continue living, day after miserable day.
All living creatures have, I think, some sort of built in survival mechanism that keeps them afloat even during their darkest hours. I have had this survival instinct very strongly, through my most painful days. Is it perpaps thus doubly painful that this instinct should falter now.
I do not post this because I seek consolation. Consolation is free and easily obtained when you are a pretty girl with a warm hole...and furthermore, it's not about validation from others. Validation from others means nothing when my own self-worth is close to nil.
I was raised too independently to be able to cling to others (though I have, for brief moments, done even this), and although my friends and family can offer their help till they are blue in the face, in the end it of little use.
See, I have to be able to live on my own, I have to be able to be happy and successful on my own, I have to be lit from within as I once was.
I have often thought that I am both blessed and cursed -- fated to live out the extremes of human emotion, to experience the full range of existance, both highs and lows. I don't doubt for a moment that this is true...and it does, admittedly, give me some small sliver of comfort.
I can't tell you how differently I view the world now. The view from above and the view from below are more disparate than most of you could possibly imagine. When I was riding on the crest of life I did not realize all I had, I took so much for granted, I was so blissful and yet so ignorant of all that I had. Now I realize that all those things, while they are just as meaningless now as they were then, are so vitally essential, and that as empty and artificial and socially constructed as they maye be, I cannot live without them, I cannot begin to have a normal, healthy human existance in their absence.
The small part of me that is still (almost irrepressibly) optmistic whispers 'If you have hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up.' Perhaps part of me will be wise enough to understand this and take solace in it. It is terribly ironic to have so much wisdom and have it be so useless.
Do not worry about me. I worry about myself plenty as it is. But please, if you are happy, if your life is going well, if you are on the upswing...hold onto that. Realize that it is precious and fragile and that it can all be lost very swiftly, if you misplace your feet even a few times along the journey of life. Try to like yourself and if you are so lucky as to love yourself, keep doing so for as long as you can.
I love you.... each one of you... more than you could possibly know... and as much as I possibly can.