I want ambition!
Okay, this is kinda weird. Most people have ambitions to be president, or a multimillionaire, or something similar. My ambition right now is to have ambition.
Not that I'm lazy right now, but given my choices, I'd rather sit back and relax then really put forth a ton of effort on something. Which sounds bad, but I search for freelance work on a pretty constant basis, and I work hard on the assignments I do get.
But there's an upper limit, some glass ceiling of ambition, if you will, that stops me from really really going the extra mile. Part of it is that I get tired, that I feel I need to rest pretty often. I think part of it is also that, well, since my downward spiral and consequent escape, I'm still emotionally strung out. Yes, it has been a few years, but in that time I've gotten laid off, moved, switched professions...I still feel sometimes like I want to rest for a year or so, just do something really stable and boring.
Still, I'm starting to feel that if I keep waiting, nothing is going to happen. I need to jump-start my ambition to have ambition, my wanting to want, to borrow a title from the podcast Pseudopod. I really want to get my ambition back to do things, not to just sit around.
How do I do it, though? Usually, wanting something is easy--you figure out what you want, determine what you need to achieve it, then continue to work until you get what you want, which can range from a pack of gum to becoming the President. But how do you get your desire back? I know how to say "I want to buy a car/house." I don't know how to get my ambition up to get to that point. It's like recognizing there's a hole you can't see or feel, you can only recognize the lack of something there. How do you go about filling it in?
Not that I'm lazy right now, but given my choices, I'd rather sit back and relax then really put forth a ton of effort on something. Which sounds bad, but I search for freelance work on a pretty constant basis, and I work hard on the assignments I do get.
But there's an upper limit, some glass ceiling of ambition, if you will, that stops me from really really going the extra mile. Part of it is that I get tired, that I feel I need to rest pretty often. I think part of it is also that, well, since my downward spiral and consequent escape, I'm still emotionally strung out. Yes, it has been a few years, but in that time I've gotten laid off, moved, switched professions...I still feel sometimes like I want to rest for a year or so, just do something really stable and boring.
Still, I'm starting to feel that if I keep waiting, nothing is going to happen. I need to jump-start my ambition to have ambition, my wanting to want, to borrow a title from the podcast Pseudopod. I really want to get my ambition back to do things, not to just sit around.
How do I do it, though? Usually, wanting something is easy--you figure out what you want, determine what you need to achieve it, then continue to work until you get what you want, which can range from a pack of gum to becoming the President. But how do you get your desire back? I know how to say "I want to buy a car/house." I don't know how to get my ambition up to get to that point. It's like recognizing there's a hole you can't see or feel, you can only recognize the lack of something there. How do you go about filling it in?