(no subject)
So, I don't really update that often, but I thought I would for a change. I dunno why I never write, I guess I just don't feel theres anything that needs to be said here. I hardly talk to anyone on my friends list anyway, and I doubt any of them read this, not that I care...so I guess the only person that would read this and it have any meaning would be Jessica, but she already knows everything I think and feel as it is.
Anyway, before i ramble too much. I wish that there were at least SOME job opportunities here besides Mcdonalds and factories. There just doesn't seem to be anything where you can go, start at the bottom, and have a career at some point in life. That scares the shit out of me, really. I've always had this feeling that I'm never gonna amount to anything, and its my worst nightmare. I've been basically unemployed for far too long, and I want a job that I can really depend on being there that I can get some roots in. Maybe its a lot to ask but I think its reasonable. Other than that little tid-bit I guess life is ok. Things with Jess are pretty good, I love her more and more each day. Sometimes I feel like we're married, but not because of bad things, just how we interact with each other and the things we do and say. I like it, it makes me feel so comfortable. I really hope to be with her forever. I know thats like a little kiddie thing to say, something 14 year olds write in a note to their crush, but I'm 23 and I really mean it. I don't like the dating game, I don't like basically being a slut to find a mate, and besides all that, I'm very happy, the happiest I've ever been, and thats pretty damn good if you ask me. I've got what I feel is perfect. Lately though, I feel like she's been pretty put off by me because I make her spend money. It makes me feel like shit that the remote possibility of her thinking I'm mooching off of her is happening. I just wanna lay down and not move when I think about upsetting her, or making her feel bad. I'm trying my hardest to not spend ANY of her money, and above all else, I'd rather have my own to spend so she didn't have to spend any at all.
Uhh, my brother was gone to Texas for a week and a half, and I have to say I haven't had such a good week in a long time. It was nice to not have someone bitching, taking over the entire house, and thinking everything is their way. My mom actually didn't bitch at me one time while he was gone, but the very day he comes back all she does is bitch at me for things I cannot control and most importantly, I have no involvement with. It absolutely makes me feel like shit, to the point of just wanting to cry. Yes, I'm a grown ass man and I cry. I have no shame admitting it. A person can only take shit that they don't deserve for so long before it just starts to break them down. I passed that point months, years ago. I feel no joy at home when my brother is here. I'm bitter, snappy, and just hate being disturbed but when we're not in the same house, I feel awesome :) I dunno, on one hand, I feel like I need to look after my brother because if I don't he'll be lost, but on the other hand I feel like I have put my own life on hold to make everyone elses better for too long now. I have to stop things at some point and live for myself instead of my brother and sometimes my mom. I'll always do whatever my mom needs me to do but I think the best thing that could ever happen to me would be moving out and having my own space and life. I bet it would feel like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders after I got over the initial homesickness if there was any. I lost the urge to write now, so uhh...bye bye.
Anyway, before i ramble too much. I wish that there were at least SOME job opportunities here besides Mcdonalds and factories. There just doesn't seem to be anything where you can go, start at the bottom, and have a career at some point in life. That scares the shit out of me, really. I've always had this feeling that I'm never gonna amount to anything, and its my worst nightmare. I've been basically unemployed for far too long, and I want a job that I can really depend on being there that I can get some roots in. Maybe its a lot to ask but I think its reasonable. Other than that little tid-bit I guess life is ok. Things with Jess are pretty good, I love her more and more each day. Sometimes I feel like we're married, but not because of bad things, just how we interact with each other and the things we do and say. I like it, it makes me feel so comfortable. I really hope to be with her forever. I know thats like a little kiddie thing to say, something 14 year olds write in a note to their crush, but I'm 23 and I really mean it. I don't like the dating game, I don't like basically being a slut to find a mate, and besides all that, I'm very happy, the happiest I've ever been, and thats pretty damn good if you ask me. I've got what I feel is perfect. Lately though, I feel like she's been pretty put off by me because I make her spend money. It makes me feel like shit that the remote possibility of her thinking I'm mooching off of her is happening. I just wanna lay down and not move when I think about upsetting her, or making her feel bad. I'm trying my hardest to not spend ANY of her money, and above all else, I'd rather have my own to spend so she didn't have to spend any at all.
Uhh, my brother was gone to Texas for a week and a half, and I have to say I haven't had such a good week in a long time. It was nice to not have someone bitching, taking over the entire house, and thinking everything is their way. My mom actually didn't bitch at me one time while he was gone, but the very day he comes back all she does is bitch at me for things I cannot control and most importantly, I have no involvement with. It absolutely makes me feel like shit, to the point of just wanting to cry. Yes, I'm a grown ass man and I cry. I have no shame admitting it. A person can only take shit that they don't deserve for so long before it just starts to break them down. I passed that point months, years ago. I feel no joy at home when my brother is here. I'm bitter, snappy, and just hate being disturbed but when we're not in the same house, I feel awesome :) I dunno, on one hand, I feel like I need to look after my brother because if I don't he'll be lost, but on the other hand I feel like I have put my own life on hold to make everyone elses better for too long now. I have to stop things at some point and live for myself instead of my brother and sometimes my mom. I'll always do whatever my mom needs me to do but I think the best thing that could ever happen to me would be moving out and having my own space and life. I bet it would feel like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders after I got over the initial homesickness if there was any. I lost the urge to write now, so uhh...bye bye.