Only Cute When You're Angry
Last night while trying to bring myself over the brink I was visciously shut down by a partner in crime. The back of my head symphathized with the poor bastard and kept swatting at me to leave him alone. The other half got so mad, it took images of angry sex to finish my business. For the next hour or so I lay there stewing in this pot of nothing but F-bombs and anger for reasons that were known, but unknown to me, and the more I thought about violent things, the angrier I'd become. I finally couldn't stand not letting someone know I was angry and wrote a three text message describing my feelings of madness to the very shutter downer of sexy things and immediately felt a small bit better. It went something like this:
"I am so F******* angry right now. I can't even sleep I'm so ******* mad. Why in seven ****s am I so ******* mad?! **** its been like this all day! I feel like I'm seriously losing it. I'm tired of being angry but I would like nothing more than to turn something into a violent bloody red heap on the floor sniveling and begging me to stop beating its ******* brains out. I just want to stop being ****** off and violently angry, because nobody seems to notice just how ******* mad I am."
I was still choking on angry bile, but felt a bit better now that somebody knew I wanted to kill something.
When I finally woke up this morning around 6ish, I felt relatively rested and not drowsy but still a smidgen bitter. I also woke to find a text that said in response to my blood-curdling texts of violence, "...and hot! Holy hell! But that can't be healthy!".... I was an inch away from saying, "DUH?"
So here we are at the epitome of the anger where now I'm praying for my period to stop so I can go back on my happy pills and find a little corner to roll up into before I murder someone in my anger like Cain. I remember Paul and his mentioning, "My heart wants to do your (God's) will, but my body is saying otherwise..." While most of the time I'm relatively in control and can count my blessings and watch whats left of my mouth (It should've been completely burned off by now if I'd lived in a Jewish Community). Yesterday was not one of those days. For a myriad of reasons, but for the most part, I've been able to stuff that crap down and semi-enjoy life. Right now I'm getting counsel (or the equivalent of being kicked in the pants) by another buddy who just likes to give me black and white scenarios that don't make me feel ANY better about my situation, which promptly leads me to derailing the conversation to someone eles's problems. I'm finding I like to deal with those more than my own, because my own seem so much bigger than their's.
On a happier note, I'm losing business left and right which may prompt me to HAVE to find another job regardless of whether I want it or not. I like to call it being an optimistic pessimist. Its like looking for a unicorn or bigfoot - improbable, but possible! I'm also stuck on that whole Hot comment left by my partner in crime. Hot..? Reread that text one more time.
This brings up the question, Why the hell does everyone think I'm so damn cute when I'm angry?
"I am so F******* angry right now. I can't even sleep I'm so ******* mad. Why in seven ****s am I so ******* mad?! **** its been like this all day! I feel like I'm seriously losing it. I'm tired of being angry but I would like nothing more than to turn something into a violent bloody red heap on the floor sniveling and begging me to stop beating its ******* brains out. I just want to stop being ****** off and violently angry, because nobody seems to notice just how ******* mad I am."
I was still choking on angry bile, but felt a bit better now that somebody knew I wanted to kill something.
When I finally woke up this morning around 6ish, I felt relatively rested and not drowsy but still a smidgen bitter. I also woke to find a text that said in response to my blood-curdling texts of violence, "...and hot! Holy hell! But that can't be healthy!".... I was an inch away from saying, "DUH?"
So here we are at the epitome of the anger where now I'm praying for my period to stop so I can go back on my happy pills and find a little corner to roll up into before I murder someone in my anger like Cain. I remember Paul and his mentioning, "My heart wants to do your (God's) will, but my body is saying otherwise..." While most of the time I'm relatively in control and can count my blessings and watch whats left of my mouth (It should've been completely burned off by now if I'd lived in a Jewish Community). Yesterday was not one of those days. For a myriad of reasons, but for the most part, I've been able to stuff that crap down and semi-enjoy life. Right now I'm getting counsel (or the equivalent of being kicked in the pants) by another buddy who just likes to give me black and white scenarios that don't make me feel ANY better about my situation, which promptly leads me to derailing the conversation to someone eles's problems. I'm finding I like to deal with those more than my own, because my own seem so much bigger than their's.
On a happier note, I'm losing business left and right which may prompt me to HAVE to find another job regardless of whether I want it or not. I like to call it being an optimistic pessimist. Its like looking for a unicorn or bigfoot - improbable, but possible! I'm also stuck on that whole Hot comment left by my partner in crime. Hot..? Reread that text one more time.
This brings up the question, Why the hell does everyone think I'm so damn cute when I'm angry?