On being stuck in a hearing world..
It kinda frustrates me sometimes. I was four when I lost a good chunk of my hearing, and I could already speak and read fairly well, thanks to my mother relentlessly teaching me with flashcards. I wish I had been taught ASL from an early age...I feel like I'm straddling two worlds-the d/Deaf & the hearing world. I sound like a hearing person, but I don't hear as well as the average person and sometimes it shows. And then there's the fact that I am given the expectations to hear as well as a hearing person, or to function as well as a hearing person, and am treated differently all the while. Some people start enunciating their words at me, or they yell, or they just assume I'm completely deaf and start gesturing at me, expecting me to understand their clumsy gestures, and responding with either pity or frustration. I HATE that. I hate pity. Being hard of hearing isn't the great, grand tragedy that most hearing people think it is. I don't remember hearing in both ears. I don't remember not having a hearing aid. I don't even remember the exact moment where I lost most of my hearing. I'm not missing out on anything. I'm not sad about the fact that I have to wear a hearing aid to communicate effectively with others. I'm just frustrated about the fact that I feel stuck between the d/Deaf and the Hearing world, and that I'm missing out on so much of the d/Deaf world, and d/Deaf culture because I was never taught ASL as a child, and what little ASL I was taught is starting to slip from my memory. I don't know any d/Deaf people so I never get to practise. I also can't afford ASL classes.
Sometimes I wanna just take my hearing aid out and then go about in the world as a mostly d/Deaf person, but then my lack of skill at ASL becomes starkly noticeable. Then I remember that a good chunk of the Deaf community in Moncton gathers at Champlain Mall on Friday evenings and I really want to go, because it's PERFECT for learning new signs and getting more practise. THEN I start to imagine myself being nervous and flustered and making an ass of myself because that's happened so many times in the past at Deaf Camp, at the ASL class I used to go to, and when I was in high school and went to the APSEA building in Halifax to meet other d/Deaf & hard of hearing people nearly every year until I was about seventeen. I really do know JUST enough ASL to make basic conversation, but I often forget it when I'm put on the spot. I get awkward and start speaking or writing notes back and forth because that's what I'm used to.
I want to MOVE from this and LEARN ASL fluently so I can feel less stuck and less frustrated and less inept in the hearing world. d/Deaf culture/history is so awesome and I want to be a part of it. But what if I'm not even accepted within the d/Deaf community because I function too well as a hard of hearing person, or of I speak too well, or something? I doubt myself. I get insecure. I don't know what to do, how to move past this...
Damn this lump in my throat.
Sometimes I wanna just take my hearing aid out and then go about in the world as a mostly d/Deaf person, but then my lack of skill at ASL becomes starkly noticeable. Then I remember that a good chunk of the Deaf community in Moncton gathers at Champlain Mall on Friday evenings and I really want to go, because it's PERFECT for learning new signs and getting more practise. THEN I start to imagine myself being nervous and flustered and making an ass of myself because that's happened so many times in the past at Deaf Camp, at the ASL class I used to go to, and when I was in high school and went to the APSEA building in Halifax to meet other d/Deaf & hard of hearing people nearly every year until I was about seventeen. I really do know JUST enough ASL to make basic conversation, but I often forget it when I'm put on the spot. I get awkward and start speaking or writing notes back and forth because that's what I'm used to.
I want to MOVE from this and LEARN ASL fluently so I can feel less stuck and less frustrated and less inept in the hearing world. d/Deaf culture/history is so awesome and I want to be a part of it. But what if I'm not even accepted within the d/Deaf community because I function too well as a hard of hearing person, or of I speak too well, or something? I doubt myself. I get insecure. I don't know what to do, how to move past this...
Damn this lump in my throat.