(no subject)
It's just that I was so certain that when you meet the right person, you drop your bullshit. Maybe that isn't the case or maybe it is. I don't know and there is a lot I don't know. But in between my bouts of not thinking about things, I’ve realized that no matter what, there is always some good to come of it. See, I tried to stop being the optimist, I really did. I wallowed, sobbed, and lamented. I walked up and down the shadiest streets I knew in the immediate area in the dark of course. And I got in my car and started to drive, to where, who knows, I have no where to go and no one to go to but I drove in the dark down streets I didn’t know until I realize that gas prices were to expensive for my whimsical or erratic behavior. But that good that I thought of (forget about the wallowing, because after all, a good cry is just that, good, and a moment of doubt and pain is just a moment and moments pass and I guess a cheerful, sorrowful soul like me deep down loves to be miserable so much because I know that a good, miserable cry is the start of something else) the good was that there were things that I didn’t believe in, things I mocked before, and I’m sorry now. I’m sorry that I let it get out of hand. It’s just that when you are surrounded by people who mock, mock their friends for their thoughts, actions, beliefs, and worse! they call that jest out of friendship! when are surrounded by that, you tend to get carried away. You make excuses for their behavior, “Oh, they must be kidding, because I must be a likeable person with true thoughts, worthwhile actions, and strong beliefs, and they must really like me so it is all just in fun” to later, “Well, maybe they have a point” to “Well, I really feel this way but I’m just going to keep that to myself” and before you know it you are gone and you aren’t yourself and that’s it, that’s carried away. All that was good about you, good because it was true, has been belittled and you find yourself believing that there is no good, nothing sacred that is, that it all should be mocked or treated in jest, and, now this sounds dramatic but not really a far leap when you’ve lived life, you honest to goodness believe that there is nothing to believe in and there is nothing you can do to change it. And I guess I let myself believe all that and sometimes I still do. And maybe I will realize one day that I don’t have to take that and well, and something. Because no matter what happens, I believe now in over the top things. Maybe I just need to do something dramatic before that new found hope is beaten out of me.
And it seems so silly now but the thing that had me so torn up is that Lisa is leaving, she got the job at Hospice that she wanted and now it seems that everyone, the TSM, the DM, and a little bit from Lisa herself, really want me to take over the store. And they have made it clear that they plan on interviewing other candidates as a formality, but that the store is mine if I take it. And that made me feel trapped. But the thing is, I don’t have to take it. I was so convinced from the get-go, and I told the TSM this rather bluntly, that I’d been screwed before, having to play the role of store manager without getting paid for it etc, and if Lisa left and wasn’t replaced promptly, I would give my notice before I let myself be taken advantage like that again. And when I heard about her new job, I was convinced that if I didn’t take the store, I would be screwed because I would have to do the job anyway until the position was filled so I would be foolish not to take the promotion. And in the back and forth drama of that and other bs that isn’t worth getting into, I, again, got carried away and I guess forgot that I do have a choice in the matter. So, I’m not sure if I can count this as it, but it is BIG and I’m pretty sure it is good for me, I’m not taking the store. And it may be a little foolish but I’m not taking the promotion, the better benefits, the extra pay, none of it. And I just have to keep believing that that is the right thing to do right now. And on the pro con list (of course there was a pro con list…) I thought well, hey, I’m not doing anything better right now, but the truth is, I wouldn’t be doing anything better if I took it so I guess that is that. Now I just need to keep doing what I’m doing. I know the next few weeks will suck. I’m looking at a lot of overtime and I am taking on more tasks but when it’s all settled, if I don’t get recognition for taking on all that I have already taken on in the last couple of days never mind what I know is coming (oh and of course by recognition I mean a raise, naturally) then I put my notice in and work some other crappy job. I sure will miss the discount but honestly, how much lingerie does one girl really need? (Jeesh, my honest answer to that isn’t worth writing here…)
I ramble, this is why I don’t write here as often as I used to. I need to leave never-never land? In the end, does Peter Pan ever grow up? I think Wendy had to get old without him… I wonder if she found happiness after she moved on? She must have had regrets, but… regrets don’t kill us… do they?
And it seems so silly now but the thing that had me so torn up is that Lisa is leaving, she got the job at Hospice that she wanted and now it seems that everyone, the TSM, the DM, and a little bit from Lisa herself, really want me to take over the store. And they have made it clear that they plan on interviewing other candidates as a formality, but that the store is mine if I take it. And that made me feel trapped. But the thing is, I don’t have to take it. I was so convinced from the get-go, and I told the TSM this rather bluntly, that I’d been screwed before, having to play the role of store manager without getting paid for it etc, and if Lisa left and wasn’t replaced promptly, I would give my notice before I let myself be taken advantage like that again. And when I heard about her new job, I was convinced that if I didn’t take the store, I would be screwed because I would have to do the job anyway until the position was filled so I would be foolish not to take the promotion. And in the back and forth drama of that and other bs that isn’t worth getting into, I, again, got carried away and I guess forgot that I do have a choice in the matter. So, I’m not sure if I can count this as it, but it is BIG and I’m pretty sure it is good for me, I’m not taking the store. And it may be a little foolish but I’m not taking the promotion, the better benefits, the extra pay, none of it. And I just have to keep believing that that is the right thing to do right now. And on the pro con list (of course there was a pro con list…) I thought well, hey, I’m not doing anything better right now, but the truth is, I wouldn’t be doing anything better if I took it so I guess that is that. Now I just need to keep doing what I’m doing. I know the next few weeks will suck. I’m looking at a lot of overtime and I am taking on more tasks but when it’s all settled, if I don’t get recognition for taking on all that I have already taken on in the last couple of days never mind what I know is coming (oh and of course by recognition I mean a raise, naturally) then I put my notice in and work some other crappy job. I sure will miss the discount but honestly, how much lingerie does one girl really need? (Jeesh, my honest answer to that isn’t worth writing here…)
I ramble, this is why I don’t write here as often as I used to. I need to leave never-never land? In the end, does Peter Pan ever grow up? I think Wendy had to get old without him… I wonder if she found happiness after she moved on? She must have had regrets, but… regrets don’t kill us… do they?