(no subject)
It's just that, where ever you go, there you are. That's what I said to her. Because she had called me on being a hypocrite and if I was going to be called that, then I damn well better say something to deserve it. So I told her that where ever she went, there she would be. And I know this to be true. I've gone enough places to know this to be true. But what about where I go you go? Where I go thee go? I wish I didn't think that was true. Because then it wouldn't ache to think about. I've been tearing through books, no time to think. I walk down to the water at night and read until I can't focus on the words and then I think until it takes my breath away and I read again. Literature that I've wanted to read for years, new authors I never read before, works by authors I only glanced at before, nonfiction pieces pertaining to sociology and such, fluff sci-fi fantasy, philosophy... And I've started cleaning and organizing the apartment again as if I care. And I've made a couple friends here and I've gone out with them and I joke with them and I'm doing very well at my job though that means little to some it still means something to me. But I'm trailing off on tangents because I am tired and can't sleep, my point was I am a hypocrite but not because I don't want Kate to move. I'm a hypocrite because I want her to acknowledge things in herself that I can't quite get to in me yet.
It's hard, really hard to go out into the world and put on a smile and say that I'm going to make the most of it when everyone else says that there is nothing to made of it. Always. And it's hard to give so much to make everyone happy or ease everyone's load and still smile. And it's hard to be mocked, constantly, for looking for the beauty and wonder in the world. I wish that there was someone who I could explain to about the swan I saw in the middle of the night, later even, alone, out on the water that was so dark because all the stars were eaten up by the clouds, and some how this swan quietly glides right by where I am on the pier and I wish there were someone in the world who I could tell that to who wouldn't roll their eyes at me and mock me but who would say, "You must have felt so special to have seen that". Maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely. But it is easier to mock. But I'm sad too, inside in ways that are just dark masses and hurt and things that weigh you down, but I don't put that on anyone else. I put on that smile, make the most of it, and try to help others make more of theirs. And where ever you go there you are. So whatever. And I realize I feel sad now and tomorrow I will smile and be better so whatever goes.
It's hard, really hard to go out into the world and put on a smile and say that I'm going to make the most of it when everyone else says that there is nothing to made of it. Always. And it's hard to give so much to make everyone happy or ease everyone's load and still smile. And it's hard to be mocked, constantly, for looking for the beauty and wonder in the world. I wish that there was someone who I could explain to about the swan I saw in the middle of the night, later even, alone, out on the water that was so dark because all the stars were eaten up by the clouds, and some how this swan quietly glides right by where I am on the pier and I wish there were someone in the world who I could tell that to who wouldn't roll their eyes at me and mock me but who would say, "You must have felt so special to have seen that". Maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely. But it is easier to mock. But I'm sad too, inside in ways that are just dark masses and hurt and things that weigh you down, but I don't put that on anyone else. I put on that smile, make the most of it, and try to help others make more of theirs. And where ever you go there you are. So whatever. And I realize I feel sad now and tomorrow I will smile and be better so whatever goes.