hillarious
I stole this from Shane's journal...I couldn't help but to copy it...
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I'm sure all of you, at one point or another, have wished you possessed the verbal prowess of which only I am capable. The bad news is that you can't, because you're not me. The good news is that you can still pretend you dabble in grammar naziism, one of the lesser-sought-after fields of elitism, because so few other people do. Simply follow my guide to becoming a grammatical authoritarian, and in no time you too will be putting people down for their inabilities to conform to your unique set of rules of English articulation.
1. Never admit that you're wrong
We all make errors of judgment from time to time. However, if someone calls you out on a mistake, you will be placed into a position which could either make or break your image as an all-knowing figure of proper diction. Remember -- Never, ever admit you made a mistake. Take the following situation, for instance:
You: "The penultimate irony here is that the lollipop wasn't really a fecal matter-flavored lollipop!"
Other guy: "If that's the penultimate irony, what's the final irony?"
You: "I beg your pardon?"
Other guy: "'Penultimate' means second to last, you pretentious fuckwad."
Now, you might think that in a situation such as this, there is no possible way to cover up your glaringly stupid misuse of the word "penultimate." Think again! Remember, rationalize every error you ever make. For instance, use cultural dictates in regards to the misuse of the word as justification for your use of the word. He won't know what to say.
You: "Of course I know that, however, I use the word 'penultimate' in such a fashion only because it has been so widely misused that it has been assimilated into modern English as over-emphasizing that the situation at hand is the final one. Check [insert obscure or non-existant dictionary or other periodical here] if you don't believe me."
The person who called you out will either be completely bewildered and concede to your ability to out-bullshit him or will simply say, "Um, yeah, that's ridiculous, you're justifying a misuse of the word based on that other people have misused it. That's not acceptable." Sure, he may be right, but no one else will buy what he's saying simply by virtue of your justification being so ridiculous and hard to understand that it must be true. Also remember, adding an obscure or non-existant reference by which to justify your errors always helps. After all, what is the person going to do? Find the periodical and call you out on that as well? I think not.
2. Invent grammatical rules based completely on opinion
Recall that grammatical rules ultimately came together as a result of an arbitrary decision of what is "proper" made by those that have gone before us in an attempt to oppress us and the ways we think. Since you're no better than those people, why not join in on the fun? Take, for example, the legendary pop/soda debate (I left "coke" out because people who think "coke" is applicable as a word describing more than just Coca-Cola are fucking backwards redneck idiots):
You: "'Pop' is the correct term."
Other guy: "No, 'soda' is."
You: "No, see, 'pop' is the only correct term because it and 'soda' both came from 'soda pop.' Clearly, 'pop' is the noun in this instance, and 'soda' is describing it -- Therefore, it must be an adjective. How can you drink an adjective? It makes no sense."
If someone calls you out about "soda" being a noun acting as a class modifier in this case, refer to rule 1 for advice.
It's apparent here that the rule you have just invented is that adjectives can never be used as nouns. There are clearly grammatical dictates in English that allow for the swapping of word types for nouns since the word itself as a word (rather than what the word does) is a noun, but chances are, your enemies will not know this. Your invention of obscure grammatical rules will surely strike fear into the hearts of your opponents.
3. Use the word "clearly" far more often than necessary
Clearly, you will appear as though you are clarifying your arguments by merely using this word. People will be afraid to admit that your points aren't obvious because it will cast them in a negative light by doing so.
More installments of this series will come with time, I assure you. Until then, remember to don a smug facial expression and keep your nose in the air!
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I'm sure all of you, at one point or another, have wished you possessed the verbal prowess of which only I am capable. The bad news is that you can't, because you're not me. The good news is that you can still pretend you dabble in grammar naziism, one of the lesser-sought-after fields of elitism, because so few other people do. Simply follow my guide to becoming a grammatical authoritarian, and in no time you too will be putting people down for their inabilities to conform to your unique set of rules of English articulation.
1. Never admit that you're wrong
We all make errors of judgment from time to time. However, if someone calls you out on a mistake, you will be placed into a position which could either make or break your image as an all-knowing figure of proper diction. Remember -- Never, ever admit you made a mistake. Take the following situation, for instance:
You: "The penultimate irony here is that the lollipop wasn't really a fecal matter-flavored lollipop!"
Other guy: "If that's the penultimate irony, what's the final irony?"
You: "I beg your pardon?"
Other guy: "'Penultimate' means second to last, you pretentious fuckwad."
Now, you might think that in a situation such as this, there is no possible way to cover up your glaringly stupid misuse of the word "penultimate." Think again! Remember, rationalize every error you ever make. For instance, use cultural dictates in regards to the misuse of the word as justification for your use of the word. He won't know what to say.
You: "Of course I know that, however, I use the word 'penultimate' in such a fashion only because it has been so widely misused that it has been assimilated into modern English as over-emphasizing that the situation at hand is the final one. Check [insert obscure or non-existant dictionary or other periodical here] if you don't believe me."
The person who called you out will either be completely bewildered and concede to your ability to out-bullshit him or will simply say, "Um, yeah, that's ridiculous, you're justifying a misuse of the word based on that other people have misused it. That's not acceptable." Sure, he may be right, but no one else will buy what he's saying simply by virtue of your justification being so ridiculous and hard to understand that it must be true. Also remember, adding an obscure or non-existant reference by which to justify your errors always helps. After all, what is the person going to do? Find the periodical and call you out on that as well? I think not.
2. Invent grammatical rules based completely on opinion
Recall that grammatical rules ultimately came together as a result of an arbitrary decision of what is "proper" made by those that have gone before us in an attempt to oppress us and the ways we think. Since you're no better than those people, why not join in on the fun? Take, for example, the legendary pop/soda debate (I left "coke" out because people who think "coke" is applicable as a word describing more than just Coca-Cola are fucking backwards redneck idiots):
You: "'Pop' is the correct term."
Other guy: "No, 'soda' is."
You: "No, see, 'pop' is the only correct term because it and 'soda' both came from 'soda pop.' Clearly, 'pop' is the noun in this instance, and 'soda' is describing it -- Therefore, it must be an adjective. How can you drink an adjective? It makes no sense."
If someone calls you out about "soda" being a noun acting as a class modifier in this case, refer to rule 1 for advice.
It's apparent here that the rule you have just invented is that adjectives can never be used as nouns. There are clearly grammatical dictates in English that allow for the swapping of word types for nouns since the word itself as a word (rather than what the word does) is a noun, but chances are, your enemies will not know this. Your invention of obscure grammatical rules will surely strike fear into the hearts of your opponents.
3. Use the word "clearly" far more often than necessary
Clearly, you will appear as though you are clarifying your arguments by merely using this word. People will be afraid to admit that your points aren't obvious because it will cast them in a negative light by doing so.
More installments of this series will come with time, I assure you. Until then, remember to don a smug facial expression and keep your nose in the air!